Have you ever felt something so strongly that it all but grates every nerve ending? Have you ever wanted it to be true more than anything you have ever known only to have reality and doubt swoop in from unseen heights and perch on your idealism like a raptor eyeing its prey. You know it is only a matter of time before you are caught but in a way, that only seems to heighten the feeling. After all, what happens when you are found out? Yeah, I don't know either; I suppose it is a mixture of feelings really. Could it be that the thing you felt so strongly about comes to fruition and you are content in your blissful euphoria? Sure. Could it be that your most vulnerable of identities gets gutted from your body, pissed on, then shoved back in... then revealing that shame would no doubt increase your capacity for a breakdown 15 fold? Yeah, I thought so.
Could you perhaps be a little more specific? I mean, I want to know which line to get in here. There are things that everyone is faced with at one time or another in their life that really tests their constitution. I'm beginning to think that I have been miserably failing these little tests along the way because here I sit once again... on a dark stage, lights shining brightly toward me with nothing more than chewing gum, velvet Mary-Janes and a sandwich bag with which to protect, amuse, or clothe myself throught the interrogation. Does anyone have the instruction manual to this life? I think my dog ate mine a long time ago and I am no where near as clever as MacGyver.
Truly, it is not so bleak as I have made it sound. I simply begin to feel so... exposed. The shoes are on my feet, the gum is wedged in my clenched jaws, which leaves one small sandwich bag to do many jobs and cover a whole lot of territory. Is there a way to trust in what you feel enough so that you can toss away that little bag of tricks? Maybe a risk is just a risk and that's all there is to it. Maybe setting yourself up for the possibility of a painful response shows a faith in yourself equal to that which you are willing to wager on. No matter what, I'm keeping the Mary-Janes...
I've got no idea but it gives me something to think about; how much of a disservice are you doing to yourself by trying to protect yourself from everything that is important to you? Sometimes I just dont know where these thoughts come from - so I'm going to end this post here.
Exit stage right: Snaps gum, saunters in velvet shoes... baggie unwaveringly clinging to naked, swaying posterior...
~
3 comments:
Ah yes. Another vague and mysterious post. I like how you generalize these feelings, because it makes it easier to relate to them without putting it in the context of someone else's situation.
"baggie unwaveringly clinging to naked, swaying posterior"
Now that's a line to leave an indelible mark on the reader ;o)
Skrambled... vague and mysterious does sound better than weird and pointless...lol. I do that for 2 reasons: as you said, it can fit to the reader, not just me. Second... sometimes it is too scary to boldly write it out. Oh, and I'm just a little odd sometimes too. That makes 3. =)
Carpathian... what can I say? As long as you don't feel the need to poke out your mind's eye after that description, then we're ok. And yes... it would be quite a sight...lol.
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