And to be honest, I'm scared. Just another step in unravelling the mystery of my adverse drug reaction from 10 months ago.
Tomorrow I am set to have a treadmill stress test. I've had one before, so I know what to expect, but at the time I had it done, the problem was not cardiac related ~ now it is. So I'm trying to remain calm over the fact that they are actually trying to induce the problem. Apparently the ADR caused PVCs and Non-Sustained Ventricular Tachycardia. Which means... who knows. It all started with the ADR, so it is somehow linked to that. I'm already nervous, and few medical tests make me nevous ~ especially ones I've already had. Plus... being that I already need a knee replacement (bone on bone), I'm not sure which will freak out first - my knee or my heart, lol. I kind of have to laugh.
So I've taken my sedative to sleep tonight. I will get up and take a shower, get to the hospital, check to make sure the drugs are NOT expired in the emergency crash cart (I work there, I can do things like that) and basically tell them, 'ok kids, get this shit done. Now.' Later in the week I have an echocardiogram, CT scan and labwork, all for follow up on the ADR.
Next month I file paperwork with the FDA regarding my ADR, and possibly with the drug company. I sense an increase in sedatives will be in order. When I think about what has gone on, and knowing I have to go back to recount the details just makes me sick.
It is not lost on me that I made it through and am still here to basically gripe about the aftermath. Not all people are so lucky when they have reactions like this. I came closer than I care to think to being one of those people, so even though I may need to blurt it out here, somewhere safe, I'm still grateful.
Monday, April 09, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
I called my boss out, nicely of course
But I think he took offense. All of a sudden he has my review scheduled for tomorrow... lol. You know what? I don't want to, but if I lose my job, well, I've been bitching about it anyway.
If you know me, you soon learn that I will tolerate alot. Until I won't. Often there is no warning. Dick around with me for seven years and push a step further and yeah, it won't be pretty. But kudos to me for not doing any name calling, screaming, direct finger pointing, or outright accusing. I did elude to the fact that half of the problem is him, and keep in mind that I love my Director, but he has permitted the majority of our staff to walk all over him and refuses to get it under control. He's like the parent that wants to 'be friends' with their kid. Now, I'm getting taken advantage of and so I called him out on it. In my 'I am Switzerland' way where I lay out the scenario, make observations and then step back. I spoke fact only.
Yep, I pissed him off. Per his words, 'As it would happen, I've got your review scheduled for tomorrow.' Oooof course you do. Oh well. We have screaming matches every couple of years and we're due. Meh. Did I mention that I wasn't even at work today? Ha.
If you know me, you soon learn that I will tolerate alot. Until I won't. Often there is no warning. Dick around with me for seven years and push a step further and yeah, it won't be pretty. But kudos to me for not doing any name calling, screaming, direct finger pointing, or outright accusing. I did elude to the fact that half of the problem is him, and keep in mind that I love my Director, but he has permitted the majority of our staff to walk all over him and refuses to get it under control. He's like the parent that wants to 'be friends' with their kid. Now, I'm getting taken advantage of and so I called him out on it. In my 'I am Switzerland' way where I lay out the scenario, make observations and then step back. I spoke fact only.
Yep, I pissed him off. Per his words, 'As it would happen, I've got your review scheduled for tomorrow.' Oooof course you do. Oh well. We have screaming matches every couple of years and we're due. Meh. Did I mention that I wasn't even at work today? Ha.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Mercury* can kiss my ass
The past week and a half has been crazy. Gram in the ER three times, well, four, sort of, hospitalized as an inpatient, and now in for testing on Monday. I've had plans to go to Toronto this weekend and I chose to cancel them because of her situation. By no means is it dire, but at almost 91 years old, anything can become dire at the drop of a hat. I chose to stay, but I'm still upset about missing my much needed couple days away. It was my choice, though. Not looking for an award, but I couldn't leave her. Some would say that I should have continued with my plans and set some boundaries, but she's almost 91. She's sick and scared. I'm bitter and angry over various things in my life, I can just add my last minute cancelation to that list, lol. In truth, it will just fade and blend in with the rest of the things that didn't pan out that I no longer worry about, you know? If she needed me and I wasn't here, that is something that I couldn't just file away.
Mercury has hijacked my life once again. It's like Murphy's Law times, well, alot. Dude, I'm not sure what it is that I've done to you Mercury, but for the past year and a half or so you've been kicking my ass in your retrograde phases. I feel it two to three weeks going into it and the equivalent after the final retrograde date. The same way people swear they can 'sense' a full moon, I can definitely feel when Mercury is retrograde. It is worse than PMS rolled together with a full moon and a B grade dark comedy movie's depiction of how many twisted ways things can be fucked up. In some ways, I just have to laugh. If I had these kind of odds on the flip side, I'd have won the lottery, a new car, etc, etc. So it is comical. In a sick way, lol. But I'm REALLY feeling singled out. Apparently that energy is zapping me and I can't hide. I've never, in all my life, been this sensitive to it until recently. I've been affected, but never this strongly. Even other people have asked me - what's going on with you? To which I just reply, Mercury, and walk away.
To work on a few websites I had to join Twitter. Remind me again... what is the point of Twitter? Damned time waster is what it is. I've had it for a few weeks and have 'tweeted' (ugh, sounds so stupid) maybe a dozen things. Point. Less.
Never did get to skip through blogland last time ~ sometime this weekend, if more shit isn't thrown in my path. Now if you'll excuse me, my Klonopin and Baileys cocktail is making me want to crawl in bed.
* applies to retrograde phase and pre/post time frames only
~
Mercury has hijacked my life once again. It's like Murphy's Law times, well, alot. Dude, I'm not sure what it is that I've done to you Mercury, but for the past year and a half or so you've been kicking my ass in your retrograde phases. I feel it two to three weeks going into it and the equivalent after the final retrograde date. The same way people swear they can 'sense' a full moon, I can definitely feel when Mercury is retrograde. It is worse than PMS rolled together with a full moon and a B grade dark comedy movie's depiction of how many twisted ways things can be fucked up. In some ways, I just have to laugh. If I had these kind of odds on the flip side, I'd have won the lottery, a new car, etc, etc. So it is comical. In a sick way, lol. But I'm REALLY feeling singled out. Apparently that energy is zapping me and I can't hide. I've never, in all my life, been this sensitive to it until recently. I've been affected, but never this strongly. Even other people have asked me - what's going on with you? To which I just reply, Mercury, and walk away.
To work on a few websites I had to join Twitter. Remind me again... what is the point of Twitter? Damned time waster is what it is. I've had it for a few weeks and have 'tweeted' (ugh, sounds so stupid) maybe a dozen things. Point. Less.
Never did get to skip through blogland last time ~ sometime this weekend, if more shit isn't thrown in my path. Now if you'll excuse me, my Klonopin and Baileys cocktail is making me want to crawl in bed.
* applies to retrograde phase and pre/post time frames only
~
Monday, March 12, 2012
The best laid plans...
So when I took this position in the oncology pharmacy I knew I would be doing work with greater risk involved (all around), a 50% reduction in hours and a 0% increase in wage. The program was on shaky ground and to provide a buffer, I drafted a letter of condition when I was offered the position... if the program failed, I could return to the main pharmacy with my seniority and keep everything the same. I signed it. My boss signed it. The VP of Human Resources signed it. I like to cover things.
Today there was an email that the VP of HR is resigning. Well. There goes that. Funny thing is, I don't know if I want to go back to where I was. That place is madness due to lack of direction. Just to mention, the oncology pharmacy pulled in -$900,000 last year; and we were only open five months. Yep, they claim we caused a loss of almost a million dollars, so it isn't looking too solid. Bit of a conundrum, no?
Friend of mine works here... I'm intrigued and tempted. Oh, and they are hiring.
Today there was an email that the VP of HR is resigning. Well. There goes that. Funny thing is, I don't know if I want to go back to where I was. That place is madness due to lack of direction. Just to mention, the oncology pharmacy pulled in -$900,000 last year; and we were only open five months. Yep, they claim we caused a loss of almost a million dollars, so it isn't looking too solid. Bit of a conundrum, no?
Friend of mine works here... I'm intrigued and tempted. Oh, and they are hiring.
Well, I WAS being quiet...
You know, shit is just weird. Time is flying by yet somehow it drags.
And what the fuck is this bullshit about brooms standing upright? Seriously? How do you know your broom didn't stand on end two weeks ago before all this solar storm shit? That's right - you have no fucking clue because you never thought to try it then, did you?! And yes, of course I tried it. I have no idea what you are supposed to do though, so it tipped. If it would have remained upright, I would have tossed it outside and locked the door behind it... I used to be scared to death of this scene from The Sorcerer's Apprentice in Fantasia. Hmmm, apparently I still am. Anyway.
So. I had to dust off the cobwebs when I got back here. Hard to believe six weeks have passed since I was here. Long and short of it? Just fucking tired. I am getting over bronchitis, dealing with my first 'at fault' car accident (very minor, no one hurt, but car repairs), working some overtime, fitting in lots of doc appointments, FINALLY got the fucking heart monitor... *sigh*. Two weeks left and I've been reacting to both types of electrode pads... my skin is burned and abraded and there is not a thing I can do about it. Other than take the leads off, which is NOT about to happen until I run out of places to put them. Suppose I should be grateful that I am not waif-like and that I have some surface area to work with. ;)
I'm also working on a couple of websites just transferring information, however, I will be contributing articles in the near future. Soon I will be putting up links and asking you to take a peek. Nothing major, just fan sites for The Trews... the kind that are information based and not all gushing. Shows, reviews, photos, contests ~ that sort of thing. But it would be nice if you'd take a peek whenever I get my scattered self up to speed enough to post them. I will be seeing them for two shows in Toronto in less than two weeks!
I've been enjoying my Lake Erie Monsters quite a bit lately, both with games and charity events. Attended two separate charity events and had the opportunity to meet and talk with some of the players. I could have talked to all of them if I chose, but really, that would've been like an assembly line and I preferred actually having the time to talk with some, not just walk by all of them, essentially. This coming weekend I have back to back games on Friday and Saturday nights. I am not a St. Patrick's Day bar-goer. That is amateur night 2.0 (New Year's Eve being the original...) and I don't suffer drunken fools well. So instead, hockey is it ~ they are painting the ice green, after all!
Will have to spend some time tomorrow cruising around blogland - for now it is lights out. Besides, that whole broom thing is starting to freak me out. That means I'm in need of sleep.
And what the fuck is this bullshit about brooms standing upright? Seriously? How do you know your broom didn't stand on end two weeks ago before all this solar storm shit? That's right - you have no fucking clue because you never thought to try it then, did you?! And yes, of course I tried it. I have no idea what you are supposed to do though, so it tipped. If it would have remained upright, I would have tossed it outside and locked the door behind it... I used to be scared to death of this scene from The Sorcerer's Apprentice in Fantasia. Hmmm, apparently I still am. Anyway.
So. I had to dust off the cobwebs when I got back here. Hard to believe six weeks have passed since I was here. Long and short of it? Just fucking tired. I am getting over bronchitis, dealing with my first 'at fault' car accident (very minor, no one hurt, but car repairs), working some overtime, fitting in lots of doc appointments, FINALLY got the fucking heart monitor... *sigh*. Two weeks left and I've been reacting to both types of electrode pads... my skin is burned and abraded and there is not a thing I can do about it. Other than take the leads off, which is NOT about to happen until I run out of places to put them. Suppose I should be grateful that I am not waif-like and that I have some surface area to work with. ;)
I'm also working on a couple of websites just transferring information, however, I will be contributing articles in the near future. Soon I will be putting up links and asking you to take a peek. Nothing major, just fan sites for The Trews... the kind that are information based and not all gushing. Shows, reviews, photos, contests ~ that sort of thing. But it would be nice if you'd take a peek whenever I get my scattered self up to speed enough to post them. I will be seeing them for two shows in Toronto in less than two weeks!
I've been enjoying my Lake Erie Monsters quite a bit lately, both with games and charity events. Attended two separate charity events and had the opportunity to meet and talk with some of the players. I could have talked to all of them if I chose, but really, that would've been like an assembly line and I preferred actually having the time to talk with some, not just walk by all of them, essentially. This coming weekend I have back to back games on Friday and Saturday nights. I am not a St. Patrick's Day bar-goer. That is amateur night 2.0 (New Year's Eve being the original...) and I don't suffer drunken fools well. So instead, hockey is it ~ they are painting the ice green, after all!
Will have to spend some time tomorrow cruising around blogland - for now it is lights out. Besides, that whole broom thing is starting to freak me out. That means I'm in need of sleep.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Trews in UK beginning February 6th for five shows
The Trews are heading back to the UK in a week to play the Next Big Thing festival as well as a few other dates. Show info and ticket links below:
Feb. 6 - The Garage (London) http://www.facebook.com/events/199826013436575/
Feb. 7 - The Temple Room (Birmingham) http://www.facebook.com/events/112084318908038/
Feb. 8 - The Captain Rest (Glasgow) http://www.facebook.com/events/354925264532945/
Feb. 11 - Gasworks (Bradford) http://www.facebook.com/events/317023411673744/
Feb. 12 - Clunty 2 (Newcastle) http://www.facebook.com/events/300897796622985/
Pass this on to any friends in the UK... these guys are worth the show - I promise you. You can also access the show list from their site: http://www.thetrewsmusic.com/ ~ listen to their latest and check out some older videos.
Feb. 6 - The Garage (London) http://www.facebook.com/events/199826013436575/
Feb. 7 - The Temple Room (Birmingham) http://www.facebook.com/events/112084318908038/
Feb. 8 - The Captain Rest (Glasgow) http://www.facebook.com/events/354925264532945/
Feb. 11 - Gasworks (Bradford) http://www.facebook.com/events/317023411673744/
Feb. 12 - Clunty 2 (Newcastle) http://www.facebook.com/events/300897796622985/
Pass this on to any friends in the UK... these guys are worth the show - I promise you. You can also access the show list from their site: http://www.thetrewsmusic.com/ ~ listen to their latest and check out some older videos.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Also, need opintions on a tablet...
I want to get a tablet but I will not be relying on it too heavily... looking at getting one no larger than 7" and preferably kind of cheap. I know it won't be used much, so why spend $350 on one?? I might occasionally use it as an eReader, but it's primarily to keep up with email during travel or at work (since the bastards have blocked the majority of email servers...). So really, I can keep the pricepoint pretty low. Camera possible, music storage great - that's a big one. Internal memory is flexible if there is a card slot.
What experiences have any of you had with brands, wifi/3G, adding apps, ease of use, etc. I don't want to just buy blindly. Anything anyone can offer? For the amount of time I'd be using it, I even thought of buying a used one, which I can still get a warranty on. Thoughts?
What experiences have any of you had with brands, wifi/3G, adding apps, ease of use, etc. I don't want to just buy blindly. Anything anyone can offer? For the amount of time I'd be using it, I even thought of buying a used one, which I can still get a warranty on. Thoughts?
I'm having 'comment' issues.... help? Please?
No matter what I do or how many times I put my email address in my profile to get notified of any comments, it just doesn't work. I've deleted it, saved it, re-added it, saved it... still nothing. Ok, well it worked on ONE comment. (Woohoo.... hold me back!) Oh yeah, and I get notifications if I leave a reply in the comments, just no notification from anyone else. Seriously, what gives? Any suggestions?
Monday, January 23, 2012
I'm still having great difficulty with my decision last week...
but this made me smile. The Trews cover Aerosmith's 'Last Child'... and kick some ass. I might do the 6+ hour drive to Toronto to go see them in 2 months. If I keep giving myself something to look forward to, it gives me goal markers and I really need that. Plus, they make me happy. Few things do.
Five UK dates now - but I'm quite sure I won't be going that far.
Five UK dates now - but I'm quite sure I won't be going that far.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
So I stand to let you down, here, alone...
R.I.P. Mister
(originally Starbuck)
~4/27/2009 - 1/19/2012
We surely had a dysfunctional relationship but we loved each other. I put 'Little Buddy' in with you so you never have to be alone. I know how you hated to be alone. I can still remember when you and Little Buddy were the same size. So small, you were.
I'm just so sorry ~ I couldn't fix you. I tried and I failed.
Goodbye my little boy.
~
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
So I have this post I want to write, but this isn't it...
I have a post I have teetering on the edge of my brain but I just haven't had the chance to put fingers to keys. This will be short and sweet. Well, short.
For years I dealt with an odd symptom that no one could seem to diagnose. Eight and a half months off of lithium and the mysterious symptom is gone.
Those little pale pink bastards.
In fairness, they literally saved my life when I hit a wall. And perhaps the lives of some people around me ~ I was out of control.
But now I wonder... I've been off meds this long and have not gone batshit crazy. Part of me can't help but wonder about my diagnosis. But I won't dwell, I have more to worry about than words linked to a diagnosis code for billing purposes...
For now, I will be thankful for the absence of the mystery symptom.
(Back soon with a real post!)
For years I dealt with an odd symptom that no one could seem to diagnose. Eight and a half months off of lithium and the mysterious symptom is gone.
Those little pale pink bastards.
In fairness, they literally saved my life when I hit a wall. And perhaps the lives of some people around me ~ I was out of control.
But now I wonder... I've been off meds this long and have not gone batshit crazy. Part of me can't help but wonder about my diagnosis. But I won't dwell, I have more to worry about than words linked to a diagnosis code for billing purposes...
For now, I will be thankful for the absence of the mystery symptom.
(Back soon with a real post!)
Monday, January 16, 2012
The Trews - Two additional UK shows added for February, 2012
Adding to this post, there are now two new dates for anyone in the UK that is interested:
http://www.thetrewsmusic.com/tour/196/
The Captain Rest 185 Great Western Rd Glasgow ~ Wednesday, February 8, 2012 at 9:00 PM
http://www.thetrewsmusic.com/tour/197/
The Clunty 36 Lime Street, Ouseburn, Newcastle upon Tyne, Sunday, February 12, 2012 at 8:00 PM
Here's another link I came upon... seems there is a 5th show now.
Please pass this info along to any friends you may have in the area and ask them to do the same. I'd appreciate it and I guarantee they will attend a fantastic show!
http://www.thetrewsmusic.com/tour/196/
The Captain Rest 185 Great Western Rd Glasgow ~ Wednesday, February 8, 2012 at 9:00 PM
http://www.thetrewsmusic.com/tour/197/
The Clunty 36 Lime Street, Ouseburn, Newcastle upon Tyne, Sunday, February 12, 2012 at 8:00 PM
Here's another link I came upon... seems there is a 5th show now.
Please pass this info along to any friends you may have in the area and ask them to do the same. I'd appreciate it and I guarantee they will attend a fantastic show!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Begin the 17 hour countdown...
I've begun to like this song more and more (lyrics below)... amazing harmonies in this acoustic version. Worth a listen for sure.
So it's mid January and NOW the winter weather advisories and lake effect snow starts. No worries. I'm not missing this show.
Leave the ghosts that are holding you back;
Bury them in a paper bag;
Put 'em down in an unmarked grave
You'll be damned when your mother finds out;
You're not the girl that she once knew now;
You're going to finally find your own way
You deserve the best, you should expect nothing less
We could live in bliss, if you just say yes
On a night like this, life can change with a kiss
If you don't second guess and you go with it
And you sing your heart out, sing your heart out
Drive them blues away
Sing your heart out, sing your heart out, you got more to say
I got a car and some money to spend
We could run with the best of them
If you let me steal you away
Sing your heart out, sing your heart out
Drive them blues away
Sing your heart out, sing your heart out, you got more to say
You're my motorcycle mama and I love you like no other
Meet me out by the old highway…
Think of me as a helping hand, nothing more nothing less than that
We could sing all your hardships away
You deserve the best, you should expect nothing less
We could live in bliss, if you just say yes
On a night like this, life can change with a kiss
If you don't second guess and you go with it
And you sing your heart out, sing your heart out
Drive them blues away
Sing your heart out, sing your heart out, you got more to say
Sing your heart out, sing your heart out, you got more to say
You're my motorcycle mama and I love you like no other
Meet me out by the old highway…
So it's mid January and NOW the winter weather advisories and lake effect snow starts. No worries. I'm not missing this show.
Leave the ghosts that are holding you back;
Bury them in a paper bag;
Put 'em down in an unmarked grave
You'll be damned when your mother finds out;
You're not the girl that she once knew now;
You're going to finally find your own way
You deserve the best, you should expect nothing less
We could live in bliss, if you just say yes
On a night like this, life can change with a kiss
If you don't second guess and you go with it
And you sing your heart out, sing your heart out
Drive them blues away
Sing your heart out, sing your heart out, you got more to say
I got a car and some money to spend
We could run with the best of them
If you let me steal you away
Sing your heart out, sing your heart out
Drive them blues away
Sing your heart out, sing your heart out, you got more to say
You're my motorcycle mama and I love you like no other
Meet me out by the old highway…
Think of me as a helping hand, nothing more nothing less than that
We could sing all your hardships away
You deserve the best, you should expect nothing less
We could live in bliss, if you just say yes
On a night like this, life can change with a kiss
If you don't second guess and you go with it
And you sing your heart out, sing your heart out
Drive them blues away
Sing your heart out, sing your heart out, you got more to say
Sing your heart out, sing your heart out, you got more to say
You're my motorcycle mama and I love you like no other
Meet me out by the old highway…
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Said the writer...
'This world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel'.
~ Horace Walpole (1717-1797)
Indeed.
~ Horace Walpole (1717-1797)
Indeed.
Monday, January 09, 2012
There's this place I go, yet I've never been there
Most likely because it isn't real. And if it is real, then I'm tuning into some seriously weird shit when I sleep.
For years, there's this place that I return to when I sleep. Not just a building, but I have a basic knowledge of direction, freeways (and associated exits), neighborhoods, smaller ethnic neighborhoods with fantastic eclectic hispanic shops and old, narrow streets. The coffee shop is attached to a gas station... a Shell, I believe. There is only a half counter but I can go there for coffee, even late at night at the edge of this one hispanic neighborhood.
It would seem that I enjoy this particular neighborhood. Being a tall redhead, I'd imagine I'd stick out like a sore thumb, yet I always find myself browsing the little shops there, happy as can be, barely able to contain my desire to go to the next block, then the next. There are people, but I interact with few. Most of them are unremarkable and I couldn't tell you anything about them. Just walking around there makes me feel happy, comfortable and completely at ease. Other than the one sunny day that I was getting off of a bus at the main intersection. And there on the corner was a shop with a full glass storefront. Shelf after shelf of very colorful dildos were on display in the entire window - had to have been at least two hundred. Heh, I remember thinking, 'wow, well that's new!' No one seemed to even give it a second thought. (Kind of like the chocolate boobs/penises displayed in Belgian chocolate shop windows.)
I find it odd that I keep going back to this place; especially lately. It's nowhere I've been yet I seem to know it intimately. I've done this before, going to different places where I keep building on it until it's akin to vacationing in the same place. Things are familiar yet you don't have full details. But you always seem to know the proper direction to go. This last time I missed an exit and knew precisely where to turn around to get back to where I needed to be.
When I wake up often depleted of energy it would not be hard for me to entertain the idea that I actually had been somewhere. To this place where I seem to be drawn repeatedly.
Perhaps when we are so disillusioned with our own world, we create another. Some do it with gaming, some with dissociative behavior; apparently I keep a very detailed travel guide in my head.
For years, there's this place that I return to when I sleep. Not just a building, but I have a basic knowledge of direction, freeways (and associated exits), neighborhoods, smaller ethnic neighborhoods with fantastic eclectic hispanic shops and old, narrow streets. The coffee shop is attached to a gas station... a Shell, I believe. There is only a half counter but I can go there for coffee, even late at night at the edge of this one hispanic neighborhood.
It would seem that I enjoy this particular neighborhood. Being a tall redhead, I'd imagine I'd stick out like a sore thumb, yet I always find myself browsing the little shops there, happy as can be, barely able to contain my desire to go to the next block, then the next. There are people, but I interact with few. Most of them are unremarkable and I couldn't tell you anything about them. Just walking around there makes me feel happy, comfortable and completely at ease. Other than the one sunny day that I was getting off of a bus at the main intersection. And there on the corner was a shop with a full glass storefront. Shelf after shelf of very colorful dildos were on display in the entire window - had to have been at least two hundred. Heh, I remember thinking, 'wow, well that's new!' No one seemed to even give it a second thought. (Kind of like the chocolate boobs/penises displayed in Belgian chocolate shop windows.)
I find it odd that I keep going back to this place; especially lately. It's nowhere I've been yet I seem to know it intimately. I've done this before, going to different places where I keep building on it until it's akin to vacationing in the same place. Things are familiar yet you don't have full details. But you always seem to know the proper direction to go. This last time I missed an exit and knew precisely where to turn around to get back to where I needed to be.
When I wake up often depleted of energy it would not be hard for me to entertain the idea that I actually had been somewhere. To this place where I seem to be drawn repeatedly.
Perhaps when we are so disillusioned with our own world, we create another. Some do it with gaming, some with dissociative behavior; apparently I keep a very detailed travel guide in my head.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
I lived the lyrics of a bad country song today...
And have I mentioned that I'm not a fan of country music?
Sparing you the details, I'll just say that once it started, the momentum picked up until I just wasn't sure what to do. Although, I had options.
Option One: Throw child-like tantrum on the floor. This actually seemed like a decent idea because not only was I not getting what I wanted, I wasn't getting what I needed. That's where the real problem came in. As I was considering the tantrum (and how germy the floor was) something else went quite wrong and I went from frustrated-but-holding-it-together mode to Insta-Pissy-Bitch. Because now things are just all fucked up. Justthatfast. Which brought about...
Option Two: Scream in this person's face. A tantrum was no longer a good match but justlikethat I wanted to unleash some verbal fury. Starting around the 4:20 mark below is a good example of precisely how I felt. I wanted to blow back a bitch's hair. (Helpful hint: Hit play, pause it and let it load - skip to 4:20 and watch for a dozen or so seconds. Maximum. **More than that and I cannot guarantee you will ever be the same...)
Option Three: Get up, walk away. Sit in car in shock and cry. Not the sobbing kind, just the 'I'm twelve kinds of fucked and oh, silly me, with no lube ~ time to bend over and grab my ankles' kind of fucked. The kind of crying that comes with absolute resolve over the fact that you are, in fact, fucked. Just those quiet tears that keep rolling down while you sort of snivel and whimper from both shock and feeling utterly spent from taming the beast (refer to Option Two visual).
Option Four: Drive home at a speed that would impress Marty McFly and try to physically outrun the shitfest. This option is shortlived because the idea of having to pay for a speeding ticket on top of being in the lubeless place I'm already in is simply not overly appealing to me. Then I really would cry. Then I'd have to go back to Option One.
Option Five: Encounter several other things within the hour that add two to three solid verses to the aforementioned country song which causes me to scrutinize every item in the vicinity giving serious consideration to which ones would make the loudest, most satisfiying crunching noises when I beat them to a pulp. Annihilation of innocent objects is always a fantastic option, but I had enough work to do and knew that I didn't want to clean up even more of a mess. Because that would really, really piss me off.
Option Six: Do not speak to anyone and consider curling into a ball on the bed. Having a solid cry sounds good, but after even more verses to this country song are formed and reworded, I find I don't even have the energy to cry. Apparently it was my week to piss off the gods.
Option Seven: Suck it up, buttercup. And while I was at it, I sucked down a glass of wine. It's not like the Rosso was going to drink itself, now, was it? And here I am. No further ahead and still facing everything I was before, just a bit calmer. Which is good because this pissy bitch is in need of some sleep. Everything can continue to suck tomorrow, but for now, I'm done with this day.
** When I saw this video years ago, it scared the hell out of me. (Oh yes, to be sure, I had lots of hell in me... most of it gone once I saw that video. True story I tell you.) I lived in fear of catching a glimpse of that thing and every time I heard Aphex Twin, I removed it from my presence. Or I ran. Seriously, that did some major damage. So I kind of warned you and if you had any sense, you caught a glimpse and stopped it. Or maybe you just aren't as big of a sissy as I am. (Remember, I hate things that are humanoid: dolls, puppets, dummies, mannequins, clowns, gaping mouthed morphing alien freaks. You know. Things like that.) I will probably not sleep worth a damn having seen that... but it was just the perfect description of how I felt. My apologies if that video just earned you six months on a psych couch.
Sparing you the details, I'll just say that once it started, the momentum picked up until I just wasn't sure what to do. Although, I had options.
Option One: Throw child-like tantrum on the floor. This actually seemed like a decent idea because not only was I not getting what I wanted, I wasn't getting what I needed. That's where the real problem came in. As I was considering the tantrum (and how germy the floor was) something else went quite wrong and I went from frustrated-but-holding-it-together mode to Insta-Pissy-Bitch. Because now things are just all fucked up. Justthatfast. Which brought about...
Option Two: Scream in this person's face. A tantrum was no longer a good match but justlikethat I wanted to unleash some verbal fury. Starting around the 4:20 mark below is a good example of precisely how I felt. I wanted to blow back a bitch's hair. (Helpful hint: Hit play, pause it and let it load - skip to 4:20 and watch for a dozen or so seconds. Maximum. **More than that and I cannot guarantee you will ever be the same...)
Option Three: Get up, walk away. Sit in car in shock and cry. Not the sobbing kind, just the 'I'm twelve kinds of fucked and oh, silly me, with no lube ~ time to bend over and grab my ankles' kind of fucked. The kind of crying that comes with absolute resolve over the fact that you are, in fact, fucked. Just those quiet tears that keep rolling down while you sort of snivel and whimper from both shock and feeling utterly spent from taming the beast (refer to Option Two visual).
Option Four: Drive home at a speed that would impress Marty McFly and try to physically outrun the shitfest. This option is shortlived because the idea of having to pay for a speeding ticket on top of being in the lubeless place I'm already in is simply not overly appealing to me. Then I really would cry. Then I'd have to go back to Option One.
Option Five: Encounter several other things within the hour that add two to three solid verses to the aforementioned country song which causes me to scrutinize every item in the vicinity giving serious consideration to which ones would make the loudest, most satisfiying crunching noises when I beat them to a pulp. Annihilation of innocent objects is always a fantastic option, but I had enough work to do and knew that I didn't want to clean up even more of a mess. Because that would really, really piss me off.
Option Six: Do not speak to anyone and consider curling into a ball on the bed. Having a solid cry sounds good, but after even more verses to this country song are formed and reworded, I find I don't even have the energy to cry. Apparently it was my week to piss off the gods.
Option Seven: Suck it up, buttercup. And while I was at it, I sucked down a glass of wine. It's not like the Rosso was going to drink itself, now, was it? And here I am. No further ahead and still facing everything I was before, just a bit calmer. Which is good because this pissy bitch is in need of some sleep. Everything can continue to suck tomorrow, but for now, I'm done with this day.
** When I saw this video years ago, it scared the hell out of me. (Oh yes, to be sure, I had lots of hell in me... most of it gone once I saw that video. True story I tell you.) I lived in fear of catching a glimpse of that thing and every time I heard Aphex Twin, I removed it from my presence. Or I ran. Seriously, that did some major damage. So I kind of warned you and if you had any sense, you caught a glimpse and stopped it. Or maybe you just aren't as big of a sissy as I am. (Remember, I hate things that are humanoid: dolls, puppets, dummies, mannequins, clowns, gaping mouthed morphing alien freaks. You know. Things like that.) I will probably not sleep worth a damn having seen that... but it was just the perfect description of how I felt. My apologies if that video just earned you six months on a psych couch.
Monday, January 02, 2012
The Trews come to the UK, February 2012
If anyone in the UK can make either of these shows... GO! The links take you to the band site and you can listen to each song on the latest album in full as well as purchase tickets. Check out previous releases on You Tube. They are phenomenal live! I'd almost say better live... I've added a video (I did not record this) from the Buffalo, NY, show that I went to. I'll be seeing them here again in just under two weeks!
http://www.thetrewsmusic.com/tour/193/
The Trews at The Garage in London, , GB Monday, February 6, 2012 at 9:30 PM
http://www.thetrewsmusic.com/tour/194/
The Trews at The Temple Room @ hmv Institute, Birmingham – Tuesday 7th February 2012
http://www.thetrewsmusic.com/tour/193/
The Trews at The Garage in London, , GB Monday, February 6, 2012 at 9:30 PM
http://www.thetrewsmusic.com/tour/194/
The Trews at The Temple Room @ hmv Institute, Birmingham – Tuesday 7th February 2012
Sunday, January 01, 2012
Pimping out a couple of blogs... very rare!
The girls are just wrong... each in their own special way. Oh, how I love them.
Go, check them out. I command you!
Ahem.
Raeleigh Jane
annnnnd
My Complete Lack of Boundaries
They are some serious nutters. But in a fun way. Raeleigh has the sharpest wit and ElPoo is like a silly BFF. Really, go check out these blogs.
~
Go, check them out. I command you!
Ahem.
Raeleigh Jane
annnnnd
My Complete Lack of Boundaries
They are some serious nutters. But in a fun way. Raeleigh has the sharpest wit and ElPoo is like a silly BFF. Really, go check out these blogs.
~
Saturday, December 31, 2011
This is surely a first... the snow got lost.
Now, just to be clear, I am perfectly fine with this. I do not miss adjusting my life for weather one single bit. We've had maybe an inch of snow so far this year. It's cooling down now, but for my region, it's been downright balmy.
Of course, all of this is supposed to change starting tomorrow night... when lake effect snow is scheduled to rear it's ugly hydra head. Did I mention that I was fine without all of this? For the first time, I've learned that mud is perfect for the holidays. No need for the white stuff.
Generally lake effect snow is found where cold air (thanks Canada!) is forced over warm, open water. (Once Lake Erie freezes, the threat of lake effect snow is pretty much gone, but we still get our collective asses kicked.) In addition to the Great Lakes region, there are a few other places like the Great Salt Lake, Japan, Scandinavia, and Korea, but it is limited as to where it occurs. As they say, it's location, location, location. Which totally make me wonder why my Sonata (Korean) is only sold with one standard wiper blade, which is a wimpy summer blade. Look, Korea, I'm ON to you... I KNOW you get the same stuff we do, so what gives?!?! And aftermarket winter blades don't fit properly. So really, why are you holding out in the wiper blade department?
I might need to keep this in mind. If I have a possible move in my future, this is a useful piece of information. Although thundersnow is uber cool, I am rather sure I could live without that, too.
Of course, all of this is supposed to change starting tomorrow night... when lake effect snow is scheduled to rear it's ugly hydra head. Did I mention that I was fine without all of this? For the first time, I've learned that mud is perfect for the holidays. No need for the white stuff.
Generally lake effect snow is found where cold air (thanks Canada!) is forced over warm, open water. (Once Lake Erie freezes, the threat of lake effect snow is pretty much gone, but we still get our collective asses kicked.) In addition to the Great Lakes region, there are a few other places like the Great Salt Lake, Japan, Scandinavia, and Korea, but it is limited as to where it occurs. As they say, it's location, location, location. Which totally make me wonder why my Sonata (Korean) is only sold with one standard wiper blade, which is a wimpy summer blade. Look, Korea, I'm ON to you... I KNOW you get the same stuff we do, so what gives?!?! And aftermarket winter blades don't fit properly. So really, why are you holding out in the wiper blade department?
I might need to keep this in mind. If I have a possible move in my future, this is a useful piece of information. Although thundersnow is uber cool, I am rather sure I could live without that, too.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
You've got such a pretty smile (revisited)*
It's a shame the things you hide behind it... [Jude]
The girl sat alone at the table; close enough that her elbows gained stability from the thick glass top yet far enough to keep her legs free from inadvertently kicking the base of it. Head tilted forward, hands clamped over her ears, the tears flowed in hot saline trails, ultimately coming to rest in asymmetrical pools of moist, shimmering light on the surface below. In that moment, there was less fear, more disbelief. Either way she knew this was all her doing. Hers were the only shoulders this surreal burden would come to rest upon.
When the reason for this morphing new reality became clear, she knew she was the only one to blame. Recollection reminded that she was always one to feel alot and often rather intensely. Occasionally that build up required an outlet of sorts and resulted in conversations with others that would, with a little luck, temporarily ease her internal conflict, if even for a moment. But the day eventually came when she simply couldn't do it any longer - this sharing of herself, admitting her deepest, most fragile feelings - this sense of burdening others. A vow was made: no more.
From that moment on she'd kept it all in. Until now.
When she sat down to balance her checkbook, as always, she found her mind wandering. It wasn't painful, really; just a peculiar, slithery sensation that caused her to brush absently at her ear. When the slight movement caught her eye she could not quite make sense of what she was actually seeing. Letters. Everywhere. Piling and tumbling as if the typeset tray from an old printing press had capsized; on the table, her lap, the floor...
Immediate shock gave way to curiosity and she saw it wasn't just letters; there were words, followed by sentences. She knew them. Intimately. These were the words she vowed to hold in endlessly. With that thought the literary flood gates opened and the words stacked high, partially occluding her view. Windows cracked, doors bulged and she had no idea how or when this would end. Her hands went instinctively to her ears to stop this uninvited deluge but that only rerouted them through her nose.
Her head shook side to side in denial with that realization but the motion only caused the words to slip in her tears and collide with one another with soft thuds and audible crunches. Now she knew why she never balanced her checkbook.
~
And this is what I wrote here on September 1, 2005. Creativity has been staunched of late, so I figured a repost would be acceptable.
The girl sat alone at the table; close enough that her elbows gained stability from the thick glass top yet far enough to keep her legs free from inadvertently kicking the base of it. Head tilted forward, hands clamped over her ears, the tears flowed in hot saline trails, ultimately coming to rest in asymmetrical pools of moist, shimmering light on the surface below. In that moment, there was less fear, more disbelief. Either way she knew this was all her doing. Hers were the only shoulders this surreal burden would come to rest upon.
When the reason for this morphing new reality became clear, she knew she was the only one to blame. Recollection reminded that she was always one to feel alot and often rather intensely. Occasionally that build up required an outlet of sorts and resulted in conversations with others that would, with a little luck, temporarily ease her internal conflict, if even for a moment. But the day eventually came when she simply couldn't do it any longer - this sharing of herself, admitting her deepest, most fragile feelings - this sense of burdening others. A vow was made: no more.
From that moment on she'd kept it all in. Until now.
When she sat down to balance her checkbook, as always, she found her mind wandering. It wasn't painful, really; just a peculiar, slithery sensation that caused her to brush absently at her ear. When the slight movement caught her eye she could not quite make sense of what she was actually seeing. Letters. Everywhere. Piling and tumbling as if the typeset tray from an old printing press had capsized; on the table, her lap, the floor...
Immediate shock gave way to curiosity and she saw it wasn't just letters; there were words, followed by sentences. She knew them. Intimately. These were the words she vowed to hold in endlessly. With that thought the literary flood gates opened and the words stacked high, partially occluding her view. Windows cracked, doors bulged and she had no idea how or when this would end. Her hands went instinctively to her ears to stop this uninvited deluge but that only rerouted them through her nose.
Her head shook side to side in denial with that realization but the motion only caused the words to slip in her tears and collide with one another with soft thuds and audible crunches. Now she knew why she never balanced her checkbook.
~
And this is what I wrote here on September 1, 2005. Creativity has been staunched of late, so I figured a repost would be acceptable.
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