for about the next eight seconds then I'm telling you. It will be a secret no longer. Know how I've been saying that I'm just coming apart at the seams and lashing out and being impulsive? More than normal, I guess? Well yesterday was my new psych's third and last attempt to make some effort to help me (by my rule, not his). Well, when I first went to him he asked me if I'd ever been diagnosed with these two particular disorders then sort of dropped it. He's done nothing and so at this appointment I kind of wasn't a nice, pleasant, helpful patient. Actually, at one point I asked him if he was fucking nuts for asking me that and went on some rant. Heh, oops. See, I work at this hospital so I tried not to come off as an ass. Oops too late.
It would seem that in addition to the bipolar (which I'm used to), his initial suspicions were correct... I have officially been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. No, that does not mean I am on the borderline of having numerous personalities - although I'm sure if I did they'd all suck right about now. Please feel free to do an internet search on a reputable site (NIMH, NAMI, etc) if you are interested. I didn't add a link because you may have different info/sites wherever you are or depending on the search engine you use. Anyway, he told me again that part of my downfall is that I am highly intelligent and try to put everything in it's place because I understand the basis or the disorder/disease processes. Unfortunately I can't exactly play dumb with this. This is what I do for a living, I can't pretend to not know it. From what I've read thus far, it really seems to fit for the most part. I did need for him to explain certain facets because I was kind of offended by some of the things I read...lol. Sorry, but I find that funny. Anyway, it gives me someplace to start. If I don't get help with this soon, I will at the very least make an unwitting attempt at destroying everything.
There are meds. The first one he went to might not be for me. It is a mood-stabilizer and technically in the anti-psychotic classification. *sigh* The side effects may keep me from taking it. There are some things I simply won't risk. I'd like to start the meds like, three weeks ago so to speak, but I have to research this. Thankfully I have plenty of resources. I'll let you know.
I do have a certain amount of anger because I have been asking for help because of this for years now and it just keeps getting worse. At first, I think we figured it was phases of the bipolar but this was somehow different. I'm hoping we're on the right track. I'm worn out from this.
He also offered to have me voluntarily committed. No shit. I told him no because I wouldn't be at all cooperative or attend groups, etc. He told me I'm right not to go then as it wouldn't work without my participation. If it stays bad and I decide I need help and wish to cooperate, he will write the orders. I figure I'd have to really fuck something up as a wake-up call to agree to it. I know me - I'll lie right to their faces. I'll tell them about how poor LiVEwiRe has just been short on sleep and high on stress and life has been throwing curveballs but I apologize for my behavior and have already learned some great coping skills here, k'thanksbye. Yep, sadly I'm a world-class liar when I want to be. So what's the point? I self sabotage, I suppose. And what I'm after now is to heal. So if the time comes that I crack and have another whackjob episode while trying to get meds on track and get things calm, then I may have to go. Which doesn't really phase me one way or another - I work in a hospital with a psych ward that I visit several times a day. In that way, there is no fear of the unknown. Plus, when I was diagnosed with bipolar I was in an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) four hours every M, W, F for a month. I mean, people I know already think I'm nuts, so what's the difference? I just keep thinking, man, I really don't want to have my period when I'm there...
So you see, nothing is ever easy when dealing with any mental illness. There are layers upon layers to peel back. It is a process I wouldn't wish on anyone, and keep in mind, it is almost as difficult for those living with, caring for, or spending time with the person that has the mental illness. Do you know how hard it was to have my mother look me in the eye and tell me she was afraid of me? The ensuing guilt escalates things so it's like, lather, rinse, repeat. Anyway, the secret is out.
4 comments:
Girl, I've been wondering how to respond to this one. But then, I reasoned, this is massive for you, to be so honest about the BPD, and to actively have the diagnoses, even if the meds are somewhat of a thorney issue.
I think I sruggled initially to respond, because you are just you to me. Livewire. Smart, funny and opinionated, but with a warm heart at the centre.
The label may make the symptoms easier to treat and understand. But they don't take away the girl. And the girl shouldn't need to be committed to deal with this, particularly as you so eloquently know the score, and know the regime and the potential outcome.
I can't imagine what it's like to have your mother say that to you. It must be so hard to take. But mother's are rarely guilt free, which sounds harsh, and it maybe some of that projected back at you. But I've lived with more than one person at various stages of mental illness (and have been severely depressed myself at one point). Its not easy for anyone, not the sufferer, not the carer. Doesn't stop the love though. doesn't stop me regcognising their unique, special qualities.
Thanks for being so forthright. You're more than a label, a definition of a condition, a range of synapses in the brain. You're you, and the you that we all come back to say hi to, because we like your wry humour in the face of all the shit thrown your way.
take care m'rag doll dear (it's the hair on the photo makes me think that!).
GD x
GD - Thank you so much for that. Your comment was just perfect. And you know, it's funny how you say that I'm still me beyond this diagnosis. That is something that I started wondering about - when I start getting treatment, how much will I change? For a moment, it really bothered me, then I realized that no one is diagnosed with BPD b/c of POSITIVE symptoms. It is the negativity and life altering destruction of relationships that do a person in. Those are things I'd like to fix and I'm rather sure I can keep all the negativity I want, lol. I've thought about the drug therapy and I am pretty sure I'm going to pass on the first med that was prescribed. The side effects of any med in that classification are horrendous. My current therapist says that is part of the BPD talking - saying you want help then turning it away. I pretty much told her to fuck off - I have at least a handful of risk factors that could drop me where I stand or exacerbate present conditions. Or make me diabetic, and some of these things don't just stop when you stop the meds. Great, isn't it? So I'll opt for the other med. Besides, this is to help me while I get going with this targeted therapy (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) so that I don't feel so awful. Two things come to mind. 1) I'm pretty sure I'd feel awful if I died because my already slow heart just slowed and ceased beating. And 2) I've made it through almost 40 years of having this build and the point is... I made it. I must have one fierce set of cojones, which doesn't mean I'm not a wreck inside, it just means that I think I can hold out a little longer without taking the Meds of Death! I'll take the regular antidepressant that was their second choice. Doing what I do, I inspect every drug that I have to take. I'm not opposed to meds, just ones that have a great potential to harm me or kill me. Then there are my drug allergies. Yeah, I'm fussy like that. Yes, it was horrible to hear my mother say that but I just sighed, b/c I knew it to be true. I'm guilty of causing that. And then I thought about how my gram must feel. That's around the time I wanted to sink my car in the lake. I never got angry, I was ashamed. Which I really shouldn't be b/c none of it was intended and I've been seeking help for years and no one could diagnose me properly. No one can truly understand how tortured I feel (or anyone in a similar situation) at times and truthfully, I hope no one ever has to feel that. I think I cried when I realized that I've been hurting them, and frightening them. That is huge and a terrible burden to carry. I know I can still be me, it is just a bit scary not knowing what will be altered. You know what it is like then to be on both ends of the spectrum when it comes to mental health. No matter where you are, it's not where you want to be. For all you experienced, done and given of yourself, I would hope your times of dealing with such things are over. Thank you again; I found strength in your words.
I like the rag doll thing.... hehe so if you're GD am I RD? ;)
For what it's worth, I think you're quite right in being picky with the meds you take. Take it from one who has taken some at various times with some unexpected and unwanted side-effects.
And GD is quite correct - having a diagnosis doesn't change who you are. But how great that you have that now, a definite Think to work on. That's how I felt when I finally dragged myself off to my GP and got an official diagnosis when I was falling apart. I mean, I knew I was depressed, but it helped somehow to know that a medical professional saw it, recognized it, measured it and started helping me to fight it. It's like putting a face on the enemy.
OK well I can see I am a little behind now and have your latest post still to read.
And then will go check out those sites you mentioned.
Terri - You're right, it is about putting a face on the enemy. Then you know what you're dealing with and it isn't just circling round and round in your head and consuming your life unchecked. Interestingly my psych's assistant called me today to set up an appt. I never set it up b/c I didn't have a schedule yet (for work) and because I figured he wanted to see me 4 weeks AFTER I started the meds, not 4 weeks from the time we discussed it... So I told her to tell him that I was turning down the first med. He may think it will have a higher success rate but I have numerous (valid) reasons why I should NOT take it and requested the other med. I also told her I wanted to start at the lowest dose possible. She said, 'oh, well it looks as if he already has it written out for 30mg' to which I politely said, 'well I'm sure it won't be too much trouble for him to rewrite it for a 20mg dose'. I'll stop and get that Wednesday then make my appointment. And no matter what diagnosis I have, I'm still a bit of control freak and even moreso when it comes to meds - and I know you can identify there! =)
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