The whole headshrinkers group and associated entourage. They ask you questions. Uncomfortable ones. After my recent emotional rape, I just cannot give them any more. The things they want to know may be important along the way, and you know what? If we get to that point, I'll let you in on the truth. Until then, pardon me for being guarded. You meet them and 15 minutes later they are dissecting you. Most questions I lunge at... 'so, do you have a history of alcohol abuse?'... Oh fuck yeah, I was at the bar 6 of 7 nights downing an average of 18 beers and lets say, 6-8 shots. See, I have no problem with that. That is important to them understanding me and then essentially pigeonholing me into a category. It's their job, I can't be angry. But some things they don't deserve to know. Not yet. Not to use against me.
So today was my first appointment with the therapist that is a specialist in BPD. Turns out she kind of isn't a specialist by her response when I told her that's what the IdiotDoc told me. WTF. Seriously?!?! I have no idea if I'm going back. I've got to call the insurance company in the morning. And she said she makes her own diagnosis(es)... so that means how long seeing her just to start at the beginning?! How many fucking mental health professionals does it take to get a goddamned diagnosis?!?! All you have to do is go by the guidelines in the DSM IV. Do you fit this axis? Then you've got it - whatever 'it' is. Christ on a fucking bike - you'd think I was asking you to come up with a solution for peace in the middle east!
Still feeling fragile. Still feeling broken. But my normal shell of anger and general *pissyness is beginning to reform. And I need sleep.
*Yes, technically pissiness should be spelled with and 'i' but I think it looks funny. Actually it looks funny both ways but I chose the lesser of two evils, visually speaking.
2 comments:
doctors fucking suck. they don't know shit. we are ultimately responsible for our own diagnosis and care. been there done that. all i can say to you my friend, is that you cannot give up. no matter how much life sucks sometimes and how tired you are of it all. keep fighting for what you know. there are people who have your back. xoxo.
Kate - It's a harsh lesson when you realize the people you are brainwashed into putting your trust into aren't capable or deserving of that trust. Now there are amazing docs, I just happen to have found one that really fucked with me. I remember all the stuff you went through, well, you talking about it. Somtimes we just have to stand up and say 'step aside jack-off, it's MY turn now. Thanks ... ;)
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