I don't want to talk about it. I recall the Indigo Girls saying something of the sort in a song years ago. The thing is, if I don't, this will all slowly kill me. Or perhaps not so slowly.
It has been a rough week. I found a letter from a guy that I had been so close to at one time. He was my first. And by that, I don't mean sex. Not that it matters but we never engaged. By first I mean he was the first guy I trusted. Well, after I learned that they shouldn't be trusted. We were inseperable until he moved to NYC. Anyway, this letter. He talked about seriously thinking about marriage, with me. To know his history, that means so much even now. But we were 19. Both of us had experienced things that any person beyond our years should never have to and there we were, two broken people that met in a new city within hours of our arrival. Finding this letter shook me for a multitude of reasons. I think I could find him through a website where some of his work (he's an artist) was featured but I don't think I can. Not now. If you knew everything, you'd understand.
But that was only a primer. I was going through the same box where I found this letter and found something else that has had me upset. Whew. I found a long forgotten letter and with it, two photos of the person who'd penned it. I saw the photos first; it had been so long that it took me too long to realize that it was my baby's father. It was all another tragedy in a long line. Like I said, I don't speak of these things. But to have him there looking at me sent me on a spiral of 'what if's. There are far too many and none of them played out. I wasn't prepared to see his face nor to imagine the other I never saw.
So the next day this is all circling in my head like vultures and I realize that I'd better watch every move I make lest I be too hasty. I can't often trust myself. Rightly so. All I can tell you is that clothing modification becomes old after a while. I've gone underground, so to speak. Oh sure, I'm strangely well-adjusted in some areas and am a star employee but what no one knows is that while I pleasantly carry on my responsibilities there is something very dark going on behind my eyes. For as much as I struggle to rise above, I also force myself to feel as much pain as possible, as if feeling it once makes it go away. It never does. It never has. But I keep trying. I'm becoming more creative but the bloodletting still goes on.
I know some of this is vague. Perhaps I'm the only one that knows what it means, but it's as close as I could come to getting it all out. Some things here could be taken several ways and that is fine with me, most likely intentional on my part. But just to say, although I was having suicidal urges a while back, I'm not suicidal now. I'm somewhere between wanting to make the pain stop and bringing on as much as possible because I somehow feel I deserve it and that it might be some sort of cleansing in the end.
But what can I say, I'm doing my best to hide the fact that I'm this fucked up at the moment. The one reason I don't want a full-on meltdown is because that puts me in a vulnerable position. But I'm scheduling a psych appointment ASAP. If I'm honest and tell them what I've been doing when I call, I bet I'll be on the couch within days, and he schedules almost a month out. I'm not as concerned as they'd be because this has been a pattern in my life for almost as long as I can remember. I know it's not normal but I'm not afraid of it, I just know it's not right. I can wait.
I've been listening to this. Surprisingly mellow. I'm all for the letting go part but don't expect anyone to be there. I guess you can't have it all.
Yeah, it's been a rough week.
9 comments:
All I can say is ... (((hugs))).
Actually, there is more I can say. I just don't feel it's the right time.
I love you much.
Meadow - Thank you. Timing is everything, I understand. (And apparently Blogger ate my email link on my profile; I've since fixed it.) Much love to you.
sweetie, i think you of all people would know what i'm going through. my seven days of sadness, which is only a miniscule part of an even bigger sadness that i don't think i will ever be able to put into words.
i am thinking of you. your eloquence leaves me comforted.
I'm thinking of the times when the sweetest song is also the saddest and wondering if that's why I seek a retreat in angry words and snarling vocals. For all that you say you didn't say in your post, you said so much, and you left me silent with the wish to be able to reach out and hold you. Not to tell you that it's all ok, because you know, I know, things are rarely ok. But there are times that are incandescent, either with love, with passion, with happiness, times that will burn in our hearts for ever and bring both happiness and sorrow in equal measure when we stumble over them. I can't listen to a song called December by All About Eve because of the particular person it represents to me in my life. It's twenty years on now, and it still breaks me up inside.
Thank you. Thank you for feeling that you could share what you did. I think if you look at those of us who stop by to say hi, to read your lovely words, we form a pattern. We're all wanting to hug you in some way, give what we can. I don't know if that makes any sense whatsoever, but I think this post out of them all resonated with me the most.
xx
Heya, Live -
Gingerdoll is right. She said it better than I could.
Thank you for being brave enough to share - I understand probably too much of what you have veiled here. Wish I could reach out and hold you, too.
i'm thinking of you, hon. please take care. xoxo.
Thank you all so much for your comments and thoughts. Often I feel like I'm too vague when I say things but it's as much as I can give at the moment. It is sometimes as much as I'm able to admit to myself. I appreciate each and every one of you; thank you.
{illyria} - It is amazing how one person can understand certain aspects of another when they've never even shared a physical presence. Even so, as you said, sometimes it only represents the smallest portion. Perhaps because it would be like trying to explain the sky or the sea; some things are just too big. Our sadness may overlap but in that we can find a little safety. Your happiness will come and you will be smart enough to relish every moment.
Ginger Doll - You know, your song theory sounds spot on. As time has gone on, everything post Duran Duran (shut up) has had an edge to it. My musical choices have gotten louder, darker, more aggressive yet somehow elusive while maintaining an unmistakable anger/angst. You always make me smile when you acknowledge the fact that things are 'rarely ok'. It's not a defeatist attitude, it's the voice of truth. Both yours and mine. It was so hard to write this post because I never saw it coming and I tend to not like being blindsided with circumstances that literally rock my foundation. For as much as I openly admit to being a flawed human (aren't we all to some extent?), I detest pointing out the exact ways. It's like giving up the most personal aspects of myself. Even being vague, if anyone has been in any similar circumstance, you've most likely caught on. Although I love knowing that you connected with the post, there's a sadness because I know how I was feeling and would never wish that on another.
Anne - You know, I think there is at least one topic here that you've touched on somewhere in a post and I commented on. I'm pretty sure you've figured that part out. Sometimes I cannot grasp just WHY I can't up and say 'well chica, time to reel all this shit in' and just be, I don't know, better somehow. I've often read lines in your posts that give me the idea that you know all too well about veiling things. I think I could safely say that about all of us here, really. On the bright side, we're here for each other.
Kate - I'm working on it, I'm working on it! =) The heavyhitters of a lifetime ambushing you just isn't fair. Then again, not much is. Each day gets better; thanks.
I have been there and I remember how damn hard it was to speak about my issues. Remember one thing about life. It is really a blessing even the BS, because in the end it has created an articulate and thoughtful individual who has given some light to a bunch of bloggaholics.
And I personally think you are a wonderful person.
I awake sometimes
a misanthrope, a monkey, or a king
sometimes I wake in loneliness
and not want to do one damn thing
and then the days i wake
to sunrises, flowers, and kittens
make me happy
and smitten
with that bitch life :)
peace
Anonant - Reading your comment really brightened my day for a variety of reasons. There's one thing though that you say that really is SO true. All the shit that I've waded through has made me the person that I am today. I'm pretty comfortable with that person and find it amazing at times that I've even made it this far. And thank you for the compliment, and of course... the poetry! That was spot on! =)
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