I'm not knocking anyone here or criticizing how people choose to mourn but I just need to say that I hate, HATE, it when someone dies in an accident and the family/friends build some roadside memorial.
First, I acknowledge your loss and am truly sorry. Selfishly though, from this end, it seems a bit irresponsible of you to erect such a lavish display. Seeing this takes my focus off the road by distraction - it puts me in danger and those around me. Possibly to end in a car crash, which is apparently what you are making a statement about in the first place.
Next, I can't be the only person with erratic emotions on the road. We've talked about the suicide thing and when I see that, it makes me consider just getting it over and done with as I think my car would play a role. Now, if I'm not prepared to go that day, I really don't think you have any right to push me closer to that precipice. You mourn the loss of your loved one due to an accident. My family would mourn my loss due to what almost seems like selfishness on the part of those that insist upon distracting drivers.
And furthermore, when you put little stuffed animals, balloons and windmills, I understand it's a child that was lost. Again, that loss must be terrible. However, it does not give you the right to distract a driver, who may in turn crash and lose their life, leaving behind a small child. Or to make a parent who has just suffered the loss of their child suffer even more. Look, no one is telling you what to do but personally, I think someone should. People have cemeteries, crypts, churches, all sorts of places to memorialize an individual. Most newspapers have a memorial page that runs. Hell, plant a tree. THOSE are appropriate ways to show your loss, not by irresponsibly and selfishly thinking only of your situation while not even examining the ramifications of what could happen due to your limited-sight actions.
I am no one important when it comes to your life. I cannot tell you how or what to feel. I wish you'd not had a loss to endure, but you have. Why would you make it harder every day when you must drive by the scene of the accident? You'll never forget it whether it's decorated or not.
It may seem like a tribute to you but for others, it is a huge distraction. Not that long ago I was driving when it was dark and rainy. A simple trick of the lights had me swerving to miss something that had run in front of me. I made it out of the spin to learn that it was the stretching shadow of another new roadside memorial.
So tell me, if I die because of your choice to put that up, will you erect one for me as well? Would you even feel an iota of guilt?
11 comments:
oh don't get me started on those things
I fully agree with everything you said and will add the fact that none of that stuff is biodegradable - technically it's littering
it's sad, depressing, distracting AND bad for the environment
AND creepy... do you EVER see anyone out there adding to those things? NO! yet they're always being added to or decorated for different holidays... who is doing it... and when? and if one of them gets hit by a car while embellishing the thing, will there then be TWO crosses full of trinkets there?
I don't know if you've ever known anyone who died in a car accident but I can assure you that no cutesy roadside memorial junk pile is necessary to make you remember that person when you drive by the site!!
I'm with you... if you want to remember the person... plant a tree, start a foundation, do something CONSTRUCTIVE!!
what I don't get is why do people feel the need to memorialize the site of death, the exact spot where the soul departed, only when it happens on a roadside? Why isn't every hospital room a shrine? Why don't people place gaudy plastic wreaths in bedrooms where a soul departed? Consistency, folks... that's all I ask. ;)
haaaa good point aine!!
if grandma fell down the stairs and died would you hang a wreath from the banister? NO!
if your cousin fell asleep in the tub and drowned would you fill the tub with trinkets? NO!
p.s. I can't believe you got to posting about this before me since I've been planning a roadside memorial post for months and just haven't gotten around to it haaaa
I was going to take a picture of one near here that has been up for years and changes with every season and every little holiday that comes along (I particularly like the glittery shamrocks and leprechauns they put out for st. patricks day!)
oh and the huge fake plastic flowers and other assorted trailer park garden ornaments they put out in winter to cheer the spot up which stick out of the cruddy grey snow the plow dumps on it
I get SO sad when I see those things...even sadder when I see that they're falling all apart...like the person who died has been long forgotten.
I think, at one point here in Florida, they were going to make them illegal to erect.
Honestly, I don't like them...I think there are SO many other ways to have someone remembered...giving to a favorite chairty in their name perhaps? Something more...constructive, you know?
Kitty - A couple of years ago a friend of mine died; Tony. He lost control of his bike, crashed, stayed in a coma then died. His family and friends decided to put one of those up and since he was a biker, it's filled with Harley stuff. I pass it every time I go to work and it is unsettling. He didn't die there, but it's the memorial spot. At least there aren't tacky sunfaded flowers that look like county fair castoffs. He'd be haunting whoever put them there. These things bother me for many reasons. Somehow I'm not surprised that you were considering posting about this. There's something about it that makes me want to scream. It's like it cheapens death and the passing of a person. They are reduced to a roadside spectacle of trinkets that are an intrusive danger to others. I can't help but think that one day someone who is unfamiliar with the area will be passing by on a dark, rainy night. The kind when lights reflect on the road, fog covers close to the road and shadows twist. They'll startle and skid off the road, as you said, effectively adding another cross or shrine to the mix. It never ends, does it?
Aine - Nice to meet you! The minute I saw this pic I figured Jason had another blogger identity or there was an affiliation in some way... I remembered the pic from a previous post. No one will ever forget the location of a loved ones death. Making a garage sale shrine of the event is nuts. When a loved one dies at home, people often MOVE! They certainly don't toss about daisy petals and yellow duckies on a cross. What is the difference here? Is it that they want us to share in their suffering? I can't. I didn't know them but I do feel bad for their loss. I would feel bad anyway. You don't need to sadden me and put me in danger to get the point across. Anyway, can't wait to check out your blog!
Stacy - It is a sad thing. I don't like having that pushed on me, either. It would be like me going door to door to announce the tragic of my cousin a short while back. It is presumptuous of anyone to think it is right to force another to feel this sadness on a regular basis. I pass these things twice a day on work days!! Another thing is you know they cast shadows and little critters (rabbits, squirrels, deer, dogs) hide behind them and run out. You have a limited sight distance so it's not a good set up. There are many ways to memorialize someone. Positive way, things that will touch many more people in a calmer, safer, more responsible way.
Livewire, Sorry to disappoint you, but I have no plans (for now at least) to keep a blog. Jason is the writer/creative force in our home. I just want to stop lurking finally. I feel like I know all of his regular visitors since I've been reading their blogs for years. Jason and I enjoy talking about "who is posting about what interesting topic in blogland" most days. So, I thought it was time to have my own voice in blogland, now that the kids are in school (YAY!!).
I'm amazed that you remembered the photo. Then again, since I have mommy-itis, anyone who can remember what happened last week amazes me. ;)
I'm with you 100% on this post. Memorials and gravestones belong in cemetaries and the like. I was taking a lovely sunny walk somewhere on the West coast one morning when I happened upon a small memorial at the edge of a cliff, erected to what appeared to have been a boy of school-leaving age. There was a poem and a picture and it made me cry... completely ruined my walk.
Aine - Well, it's just nice to know that you've taken the plunge to introduce yourself along the way. One day you may decide to have a blog of your own. In the mean time, I think it's really exciting to have you around in the adult part of things. And the best part is that you can speak in complete sentences, not s-p-e-l-l t-h-i-n-g-s o-u-t; well, wait, some aren't too quick so you probably could...
As far as the memory thing, you'll often hear me refer to my almost non-existent short term memory (and I have no kids) but that pic was really stunning in its grace, elegance and simplicity, not to mention color. Let's just figure we have selective memory? ;)
Terri - That's the thing, their inappropriately placed memorial ruined your day and I do not think that is right. Everyone has the right to mourn but it seems that culture is somehow looking the other way when it comes to crossing the lines of what is appropriate. Candidly speaking, everyone has to pee, too. Culture would frown upon me walking into McDonalds and peeing on the floor, why? Because it isn't the appropriate setting. Grieving is just as personal as peeing and both have a place. I know that's a crude example but it's how I see it. Every culture has it's morees and taboos but apparently this just has to run it's course. Stacy even mentioned that it was under legislation to make it illegal where she lives to put them up. Finally, some sense!
I hadn't thought of it like that before but you're right, they can be a hazard.
OMG! You wrote my post! The one I've been meaning to write that is. I hate those roadside memorials. It's inappropriate, dangerous, sad, and intrusive. I am sorry for your loss, but I don't really want to know about it. That's what cemetaries are for.
Driving home on the freeway one night after work traffic had slowed down to a snails pace. Why? Because there was a group of people in the median holding candles and waving banners with the name and picture of the person that died on that spot the night before. They could have caused another accident with all of the distraction they were causing. People need to learn how to mourn. I agree with everything you said here and I think they should be outlawed too.
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