So here's a bit of an update before a newsflash near the end. I still can't breathe nor can I get my chest to stop feeling like it's in the grip of a giant, intermittently crushing fist. Drugs help a bit but I can't take enough to really stop it or I'd fall asleep. Not bad, unless I'm at work. Of course, I'm lashing out at people and making dumb choices and taking even dumber chances. Pushing things, I suppose. I drive past that building daily. I can't talk to anyone about this, they wouldn't get the history. Hell, I don't get the history. Until I fizzle out, I'll feel like a time bomb. But I will say that I have not, as of yet, turned to the destructive behavior I have in the past.
Had a meeting with the big shots (ha) at work (hospital) and the brief version is that most likely I will be unemployed in two months. Which means that I won't have insurance. And this stupid knee of mine that is giving me trouble more and more each day may have to wait for surgery. Or I could rush and get it done. But they might fire me if I push it. Fantastic. That doesn't even take into account the neurological things going on.
Then there's the job with the school. They are so disorganized that it's not funny. I'm doing the best I can do with few resources. They have no idea of what is going on with me anywhere so they just expect me to smile and do my job. Reasonable. I just feel like I don't have what I need to do my job and I find myself dreaming about it. Remember those dreams about being in school and not having ever done one bit of homework and it's test day? Yeah, I'm living that, but this time I'm the teacher!!!
My mother is still looking for work and is now talking about moving out of the area/state to look for work. She's very depressed and I feel terrible. Part of me is a bit cranky that I moved back here for my family and she might be going, which would also change my role again in caring for my gram (who wants me closer anyway), but she's just trying to do what's best for her. Can't fault her. It's hard to not know how to help by making a job appear, yet I want to.
In a nutshell, my family is pretty screwy (some of which I have to avoid), one job is stressing me, one is trying to croak drastically, I'm doing some post traumatic stress thing and drugging the symptoms away, I need surgery, otherwise my health is declining and of course, I'm missing Pittsburgh. It's just been on my mind alot. Man, this almost sounds like what they warn you about when you don't forward those dumb chain emails, doesn't it?
But. There is a small glimmer of hope. I think I want to go back to school. I mean, I know I do, but there's alot that has to be worked out. I used to want to be a psychologist but anymore, I think I'm just too fucked in the head to do that. Either way, I'm thinking about school. And the grand part is, I can attend anywhere. Time to reinvent LiVEwiRe.
Annnd, I saw these. Oh happy friggin day!
I want them. Ok, if not those exactly, then something similar. I'd say it fits my mood quite nicely. And if it ever stops snowing, I just might buy them. Come to mama my little juicies...
I've got a day and a half off. What to do, what to do. Basically, I'll see y'all Monday. Maybe with some new shoes.
So, you figure out that lyric yet? ;)
9 comments:
are you sure you're not me?
aside from being a total basket case which we all know I am!
my mother has been unemployed for over a year now and just a few days ago said something about packing up and heading down south
in my case though I would LOVE it if she did that!! somehow we have switched roles and I have become the mother here and well... if I felt capable of being a mother I'd have my own kids!!
as for the ptsd - I had something I wanted to say about the incident you mentioned in your last post... but I just haven't been able to come up with words for it so the best I can offer is HUGS
and I WANT THOSE SNEAKERS!!
I used to have a pair similar in style but in white, with smiling jelly beans all over them - depending on which me you get either pair suits me perfectly!!
You're going to have to know when to pull the ejection handle. In the end, no one will celebrate you for being the martyr.
You've often said you want to run away. There may be a time to do it. Really do it. There seems to be hooks and ropes all over you. Until you burn it all down, you would be able rise from the ashes.
you... me... greek island...
need I say more?
thanks for your comment back at norway, LiVEwiRe. it was spot on and struck serious chord. we do live and learn, don't we?
and gotta love those shoes. :)
Hoooooly, well, that was a lot to take in.
I am debating with myself for a possible surgery too, but my approach is avoid goign to the doctor, so U won't have the dilemma of scheduling anything.
. . .
and BTW, Terri's suggestion sounds great ;)
Midlife crisis - Faith No more??? I am a bit rusty when it comes to music, ad it has been a while since I've heard this song (if it is the correct one).
Damn... your life is so complicated right now. You honestly need to take a break and get away from it all. Hopefully something positive will happen in that time.
Wish I had more to offer, but I'm at a loss.
wow good job chitty!! - I was at a loss until you said FAITH NO MORE and then it all came back to me hehehe
mmmmm Mike Patton ~drools
LiVEwiRe ~ where is YOUR mp3 player? huh?!? I think you would come up with the best one yet!!
Faith no more, that sums up my view on life and people in general at the moment. Never really a big fan of the band though.
All is not well in the land of livewire, oh dear, hmm well I think maybe if it is your health at risk, maybe the risk of pushing for tyhe knee operation would be worth it, but how does that leave you job wise.
All I can say is, hope it works out well, and good luck, oh and *BIG Hug* that never does any harm. Take care
Kitty - Hey, if I am you that would explain why my memory is so bad... half of me is doing something totally different! ;) I do feel ya in that role reversal. But you could do what I do to help you along. Bring your mental capacity down so low that you can barely take care of yourself...er, wait, that's not so good either, haha! I understand about not saying anything about that last post, and the hugs speak volumes. =) Go buy the sneakers at Kohl's... first store I tried only had itty bitty shoes. I need real-people sized shoes so I'm trying another location tomorrow! I think those would suit you rather well!
Jason - I know all about the lack of celebration with being a martyr - I was raised Catholic - Greek Orthodox to be exact. (Although I'm not Greek, so how does that work?...) When I pull the ejection handle, it will be with such force that it breaks off. I'm ok with that. I'm planning the best I can now considering all these things up in the air. I am formulating a plan. Amd speaking of rising from the ashes... funny you should say that. My next tattoo was going to be a phoenix. Appropriate, I thought. ;)
Terri - If you do say more I might start drooling in anticipation of a real getaway! =) And oh how I need one. Or twelve. Heehee.
illyria - I'm glad the comment was ok with you. For as strong as you are, you have an equal ability to hurt and feel as deeply. You'll make it. I'll make it. Because, like you said, thank goodness for cake... ;)
Tigress - Just a day in the life, as they say. ;) You know, I should have exercised the option of not going to that doc but silly me, I never thought he'd find a real problem, so I went...lol. Sounds like you could use a Greek island, too!
Chitty - I knew I loved you for a reason. Yep, that's the song. Recently got into listening to them again, I like the fact that they sound like 'everything but the kitchen sink'. Complicated, yep. Kinda sucks but maybe in July I'll get a little break. Of course I may be eating breakfast through a helmet, dining on thorazine and getting my ultra-long jacket sleeves loosened to go to the bathroom by then but hey, what can ya' do?
Kitty - Yeah, there was something about Mike Patton. Looking back I don't know what it was; maybe just his ability to look utterly deranged yet very energetic while boasting some seriously freakish pipes. Uh, yeah, that was probably it. I'd do an MP3 thingy if I knew where/what it was. I'm sooo behind the times lately!
Motor - Hah, yeah that sums up how I've felt for years. I do like them, I look like a real fool singing along to their CDs at top volume. I make sure to exaggerate all facial movements, just like Mike Patton. The reactions I get from fellow drivers are so worth it. Ahem. And yeah, LiVEwiRe is sort of having a short, so to speak at the moment. The surgery may leave me without a job, but the job is going to hell in a handbasket anyway. The big hugs always help, thanks doll! xo
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