Because I keep in touch with the woman who lived in the apartment above me in Pittsburgh (yes, remember the one I called the police on her first day in town?) I have found out that my old apartment has been rented. I feel replaced, dispensible, forgotten. Like not only has the chapter ended, but the book has been closed, doused in gasoline and tossed in the fire. Interesting. I'm missing Pittsburgh terribly and wondering what in the hell is wrong with my brain.
Positive or negative, I still have my job at the hospital. But not for long. I've decided to look at other options. Given the fact that I narrowly avoided chemical restraints and the cozy intimacy of the back of a squad car last night in retaliation to the behavior of a particular pharmacist, I think it may be time for me to consider other options. It's easier to defend a short work history than it is to explain assault charged incurred on the job. Or so I assume.
Haven't smoked a cigarette in five months but I've been tempted this past week like you wouldn't believe. I'm learning something. I knew my smoking was habit-based and triggered by stress. The more severe the stress, the more I smoked. It wasn't an 'enjoyment' thing. Lately, I've learned something HUGE. Because I have wanted to smoke so badly recently, I realize that it was also a punishment issue. Stress = smoking. Fine. But it was also then that I smoked more (often until I was sick) as a means to punish myself for apparently making the wrong choice or putting myself in that kind of situation. Guess that takes the self mutilation theory to another level. Also makes a statement about where I am mentally now if after not smoking for five months I'm struggling like all hell to not start.
Oh. And I have PMS.
So for anyone that wants to start even the slightest bit of shit with me, may I suggest you simply back the fuck off. I'm not proud of the way I react sometimes but I do know that it happens*. Just let me sit and do what needs to be done for the time being. Go ponder Britney's new salon style. Buy Ms. Ritchie some food. Watch Robin Hood on BBC. Go to a casino, that's a fun one.
But don't poke a stick through my cage. I bite.
*After all is said and done, I'm not in a bad mood. I'm just really, really edgy. In a way, I'm gaining clarity all over the damned place and that's what is a little overwhelming. Clarity, timing, and a dark sense of humor; all part of a nutritious breakfast.
4 comments:
*places soothing tea, toast, and chocolate near the nice, nice person and runs away quickly*
Hmmmm... don't think I'm quite ready for such brutal honesty re the smoking thing.
Have some chocolate LW. It's great for PMS and tastes much better than cigarettes. Might save you a ride in the squad car ;)
i missed StateCollege, PA a year after I have left. when I was living there I couldn't have been OUT fast enough.
Ps. i jut did my first successful "ignore" the sources of stress. I waited an extra 50 minutes beyond my doc appintment before being taken to a patient room and I actually didn't make a scene out of it. . .
PPS. I am staryign a bet with myself, when I will blow up necxt how bad it will be ;)
we are all in a smilar boat :) we sometimes bite
Jarvenpa - Lol, you got me to laugh. NOT an easy task! =)
Terri - I think chocolate could be the answer to alot of life's ills, you know?
Tigress - Funny how we want out when we're 'in' and 'in' when we're out. I like the bet you have going! If they all knew that you bite I bet more people would cooperate with you! =)
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