Wow. Where to begin. I know, here would be good. If you're going to read this post I will suggest going back to that one first. It's lengthy so you can just skim over it but it will give you a foundation.
Ok, done? Alrighty then. So last night I went out with a bunch of friends and people I didn't know for the celebration of my friend's 32nd birthday. Had a limo and hotel rooms and all those responsible sorts of things. So, why am I not just gushing about the night? Well, I'm still hung over (yep, now I remember why I don't drink that much anymore) and most of the night was really quite fun. But.
Here's where I get honest, confused, bitter, you name it. The post I referred to above will give you sufficient background.
My cousin's husband spent more time with his hand on my ass than on his drink. I thought we established that was a no-go sort of thing and it should have ended there. So when I left the hotel (to get a cab home) he followed me at about a five second delay; he was going outside to smoke. Around the corner from the room he felt compelled to pin me to the wall, groping his hands in places they never should have been in and trying to kiss me. With me pushing him away it was more like a head-butt than a kiss thankfully. Let's just say it got ugly and there was a struggle. I'm quite sure he was prepared to do me right there up against the wall but my plan was pretty much opposite. And I won.
Now. None of you know me. But I think you know that in most cases I'm pretty strong willed and won't go quietly. But if you reread that other post, you may see where this circumstance differs. I interacted no differently with him last night than I did with anyone else. Slutty behavior can't be blamed. I wore jeans and a tee shirt; nothing low rise, nothing cropped. Which, even if I was looking and acting slutty does not make it right for someone to fucking ambush me, pin me to the wall, get their hands tangled in my lace... especially, ESPECIALLY with his wife (my cousin) behind the door down the hall. I told him this was going to get him in trouble and he didn't care. When I threatened to knee him in the balls and kick his knee (just had surgery) he backed off. Bodily harm works for me. I'll tell you here and now, I can work with bodily harm. I'm the reason they have gun laws.
So I feel awkward and in this whole thing (I talked to my friend Erica about it - but she doesn't really know where I'm coming from because she doesn't know the history that you all do from that post) because I don't want my cousin to know. Ever. Do I want her to know that she's married to a beast? Yeah. Do I want to be the one to tell her? No. And of course I'll feel like I'm on trial when I didn't ask for that. I'll be letting her down no matter what. I don't want to be the one to do that. See the tough situation? For me, yeah, this is like opening old wounds. Big time. But if I take enough pills tonight the pain in my chest will stop and I'll be able to breathe again. There must be some vibe that I'm sending out that triggers a predatory response in guys like this. Only they can hear it - like a dog whistle of sorts. This has to stop. Maybe the pain in my chest is my heart actually breaking. For the pain that my cousin would feel if she found out, for how I feel about myself right now, and for what I can never have because a select few have taken my ability to trust. To let my guard down for fear that this will happen.
No, not all men suck. Just apparently the ones that want anything to do with me. There is something that frightens me, though; one of those double edged swords I suppose. And that is that one day it will stop. Because that might mean that I did find a loophole in a gun law or claimed to have not seen him when putting my car in reverse. Or it might mean that I summon too many pretty colored pills to make that pain in my chest stop.
Right now I just want to run. Maybe someday I will.
12 comments:
You did nothing wrong. Not this time, not the time you link to. We are, sadly, trained to feel shame, to feel responsibility when we are mauled, raped, molested, assaulted. We are, sadly, trained to keep silent, lest we be blamed. Sometimes we have tried to speak up and have been blamed (as a child I was molested, spoke up, was blamed--it is a pretty common story).
It is not your fault.
Even if you had been naked and dancing and waving your breasts in the dude's face, no one has the right to lay a hand on you without your permission.
A smile is not permission. Silence is never consent.
I know you know this.
As for your cousin..if this guy does this with you there are probably others.
I can't tell you "go talk to her" because you say you can't and it is your life, your choice, and you need to live with it.
But I send you all my good thoughts and good energy and strength..if such things can wing through the internet.
Why not try to have someone else tell your cousin - on the basis of what happened to you? Maybe Erica could claim to have seen him with someone. Or maybe you could claim to have seen him with someone.
It's a tough choice you have to make. Make sure you're as comfortable with it as possible.
I'm so sorry, Livewire. You were assaulted, plain and simple. No one has a right to grab you and throw up against a wall.
I don't know if I would tell your cousin or not. I highly doubt that she has no idea what kind of man (I use the term loosely) he is. I have to wonder how "together" she is to stick with a person like that.
At the very least, I'd steer clear of them both.
I don't know what to advise really. I am sorry that it has happened to u, I'm sorry that it was ur cousin's husband and i wish u could tell her.
That said, when it happened to me, I never said anything to anyone for more than a year, as embarassing as it could have been, my parents' close friend, co-worker, etc.
But I would like to know if someone close to me and that I trust is not worth it. . .
There is no way you can feel responsible for men who behave appallingly. If it hadn't been you that night, it would've been someone else. And on other nights, it probably is. As for telling your cousin... tough call, and not one we can make for you. Only you know her, and what your relationship with her is like, and so you should trust your own judgment on this one. So you do just that.
For the record? P'raps ya should've knee'd him in the balls. Then he'd have had to explain to his wife exactly how he got that particular injury... ;-)
No, I'm not being serious. It's easy to be blasé about something like that but it's different when you're in the situation and I have to say it sounds like you reacted exactly the way I would, and probably most women in fact.
It's shitty you had to encounter yet another situation like this. It's good that you talked about it.
Just don't go looking inside yourself for answers as to why it happened because the answers are not inside you, they're inside the oxygen-waster of the bastard who tried to take what he had no right to.
Jarvenpa - You're right, this is all preprogrammed. And it sucks, plain and simple. There was no permission, no consent, implied or otherwise. The situation with my cousin is a tough one. She needs to know but she will be in denial. And, he and I never got along until very recently, and she has voiced how happy that makes her. So, there's a situation. I just need to think. Thank you for the strength; I think it does come through.
Anne - I did think of that. And Erica would be willing to - she hates him for the most part. being comfortable is the big thing; I have to be prepared for the worst reaction from my cousin. I'm thinking long and hard, because it has to be right.
Jason - Thanks. I think she knows because he pulled some similar crap years ago with her best friend (at that time). That time he did it right in front of everyone. She sticks with him for reasons I can't figure. Now, they have two kids together. Sadly that is often the glue. I hate avoiding her because of him but I may have to do that for a while.
Tigress - I know what it's like to not say anything. How it literally eats you alive from the inside out because you can't say anything. Like you said, I'd want to know the same thing - if someone can't be trusted. Think I have to form a plan.
Terri - My cousin and I just got back on speaking terms not that long ago... interestingly, we weren't talking because of him. I even opted out of family functions because of it. Of course I was blamed for being a trouble maker when all I wanted them to see was the fact that they were headed on a one way road a long-term stay at a high security prison if they kept on as they did. It involved my aunt's property so I had to tell her. it was so very ugly. All I wanted was for them all not to get hurt. I've been perched here before. It's an ugly place. You know, when you said that about kneeing him in the balls I had to laugh because I thought back on jason's comment about a titanium knee! The thing you said about not looking for the answers inside myself made so much sense and yet I never saw it that way. What would I ever do without you guys? =)
I thought about the titanium knee also.... Damn, where's the hardware when you need it?? You could've given him a uni-ball (the scarred-over remnants of two shattered jewels). :D
(If you can't laugh, you'll slaughter someone. Just trying to keep you out of jail.)
there are no words to express how much i hate all of his kind and how much i wish things could have been better for you. nobody deserves this. i once read something someone had written with regard to her traumatic experiences with rape, sexual abuse and drug addiction: "i wasn't brave. i wasn't brave at all. but i wanted to survive. and when it came to the point when i had to decide, i decided to live. it was hard, but i'm here now."
of course, her experiences are very different from yours. but even if i don't know you the way i would want to, something tells me that you ARE a survivor, and nothing and no one, least of all that motherfucker, can take that away from you.
Aw, Live. I just now read this. I am so sorry that that asshole hurt you and put you in such a difficult situation. It makes my jaw clench to think of it. I'm with Jason - I wish in some ways that you'd given the man a uni-ball. Damnit.
I don't really have any words. Just - I'm sorry, and you are in my thoughts. Steer clear of that dirtbag.
Hey, thanks for the comment on my blog, I will be back properly soon, I promise, and when I return, it shall be all singing, all dancing.(oh, and to answer your question about my t-shirt, it says 'when there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth' it's a dawn of the dead t-shirt, and I love it, and the beer is probably carlsberg.
As for the scumbag, nobody has a right to grope anyone else without their permission, and especially pin them against a wall, and especially when they are in a relationship. There is no doubt about it, some men are bastards, and I hope he gets whats coming to him. Hope you are ok, *hug*. Take care x
The guy is a low-life and what he is doing amounts to abuse.
You should not let him get away with it, but then there is the whole question of what it'll do to your cousin.
Find a way to take his "power" away from him. Without it he is nothing!
Jason - Exactly! And if there was still a pin or wire poking out, that would have been even better. Thanks for trying to keep me out of the hoosegow!
illyria - You know the worst part? I wish I could have a blanket of hatred for people like this. But I don't. I suppose I think it's some sort of weakness that doesn't define their entire being. Then I think I'm nuts for thinking that. And regarding what you read, yes, I'm here now - and that's the best revenge/retaliation one can ever, ever have. She was right.
Anne - Thanks for your thoughts and the agreement on the uni-ball issue. Perhaps people take my lack of pretention in the wrong way. This has happened before and I get so confused because there is nothing I'm doing wrong, yet here it goes. I even talked to a couple of the girls there and made some excuse about not really remembering clearly and questioned my behavior. They agreed I was just my mormal self and rather well behaved. Go figure.
Motor - Good, I'll be glad to see you back. Eesh, that tee describes where I work. ;) He will get what's coming to him. It will be hard to not see to it that it happens personally at this very moment, but it'll happen. Thanks hon.
ch - And that's the tough part. It'll kill my cousin to have to face this, yet living with it unknowingly isn't so hot either. And in the midst of this, I have to be the damned responsible one to think of other people's feelings when I just want to crawl in the corner and scrub myself with bleach. Tough post to come in on but I thank you for your comment.
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