So, today I took a little jaunt to the local convenience store for a frappuccino (gotta have something good in my life, right?) and was blasted by something I saw. I've seen this before, but today, the implications of what I saw really hit me...
Along Steuben Street (like you know or care where that is) there was a white haired, rumpled, dirty looking man sitting right on the curb with his feet on the road. He had a small mound of cigarette butts neatly piled next to him (to be saved for later) and a jar that he was dropping small, unknown objects into. His clothes were dirty from years worth of unmentionable stains and grime, not just a few days. At one point, his shirt may have been white. It mirrors the neglected house/apartment building that sits behind grossly overgrown shrubs where he always tends to be in close proximity of. I can always see his mouth moving and wonder what he is saying, and to whom is he saying it? This is a residential area; he neither begs nor bothers. He never has.
How do I know this? He was there, same scene, 15 years ago when I lived a few blocks down. Today when I saw him, I wondered what he was doing and why he was doing it. And why, after 15 years, is that damned jar not filled? But I digress. Today I realized in the most basic of ways, he and I are more alike than I might care to admit. Perhaps unbeknownst to him, this same scenario played out - me driving past, wondering about him, then wondering where my life was going at the time. Today was like a fucking time warp. Is he content to do the things he does, or does he do them out of necessity, mental illness, fear, lack of resources....what? Is that just his lifestyle? What about me? What makes me do the things I do and are we so different?
So after 15 years, he is still sitting there, collecting small items, saving discarded cigarette butts. I am still driving past and wondering what to do with my life. Some things do appear to come full circle and don't change much to the untrained eye.
And both of us are still talking to ourselves.
12 comments:
"La vie est un éternel recommencement."
Loosely translated, life is a loop.
Worry not, I'm still wondering what to do with mine too, and I have extremely interesting conversations with myself. Or do worry, but know that you're not alone...
Would it help to point out that you're not only talking to yourself, but that you're also talking to us? Your not entirely imaginary friends. That's gotta be good, right? I mean, you can't see us but at least we talk back to you.
Much like the voices in your head ;-)
There's a Streuben Road in Mowbray, Cape Town. I wonder if they are related?
I wonder if that man is happy or not? I wonder if he wonders about you being happy or not?
Anne - Life is a loop and I am loopy. =) Some of my most stimulating conversations are with myself, glad someone else thinks that way.
Terri - This is true... you are real!...lol. Now the voices in my head... have they been talking to you, too? =)
Nomad - They could be related; cousins perhaps. I always see people and wonder if they are happy, and if so, what makes them that way. That guy probably looks up and wonders who this redhead is driving by always talking to herself!
My dear, this is a haunting and profound post. But I think time maybe runs in strange spirals or something.
Most of those tramps like the life style. There were these twins that was around my aunts pet shop. There parents are still alive ones a month their parents will pick them up to give them a nice hair cut, bath and clean clothes and drop them off again. They never wanted to be helped they liked the way they were living. They both past away last year.
The wheel turns. The path is drawn. The sun sets, but returns in the morn.
Whoa. The poignancy of that has left me breathless and speechless. I just really *feel* that. It's hard to explain, sorry. But thank you so much for sharing that experience and in such a beautiful way.
LW, I thought you knew... the voices in your head are on a first-name basis with the voices in MY head :)
Jarvenpa - It was definitely a sobering experience on this end. Mysfit has something with her spiral theory, don't you think?
Whatalotoffun - I'm not actually sure he's a tramp though, I think he may live in that house, which confuses me all the more. As far as the twins, how old were they? What happened?
A Dracul - There were stories on the news years ago (including film footage) about people that would beg then walk down a few blocks and get in nice cars and drive away. There's always someone looking to cheat the world. As far as what the story means, I'm not sure, it was basically an observation. Of how many years have gone by and from outward appearances, he and I are both at the same places in our lives. Bit of irony I suppose. Jarvenpa could write out a grocery list and I'd be captivated. =) I won't throw bricks at you; besides, I have exceptionally poor aim. (Can you believe that counter started at zero!?)
Kyknoord - With that comment, I'm assuming you may have talked to someone else. =) All this talk of wheels, circles, loops, and spirals is bound to make me dizzy.
AbNorMal - Wow, thank you - and no need to apologize. I just came home, sat down and wrote what I saw and what was going through my head. It's one of those things I can't dwell on because I'll end up all upset. Maybe I'm just weird that way.
Terri - See! I KNEW they didn't tell me everything!!! =)
The voices in your head are keeping secrets from you? Now that is something to be concerned about...!
;)
Jess See - I know, this whole thing made me think of her theory. I think she's onto something. As far as the jar? I want to know the same thing. I mught stop my car one day and find out.
Terri - Lol... either keeping secrets or I'm just becoming more forgetful. You'd think one of the voices could serve as a reminder, wouldn't you?! =)
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