How I almost unintentionally caused the untimely demise of my mother (and other stories to warm the heart)

I've always said there's something rather peculiar about my timing; either remarkably good (and it saves life and/or limb) or horrendously bad. Mainly the latter. I'd have to say this story covers a little of both, but my mother would argue that my timing, or lack thereof, nearly caused her death today. Then again, she does have a flair for drama.

So, it was a busyish day today and I actually got to meet mom and Gram for lunch where we proceeded to exchange some items between us (no, not contraband) including my car. She is taking it for the emissions check to see if it will pass or if this LiVEwiRe will be on the hunt for new wheels in the not too distant future. Pretty nice, don't you think? Well, after the events of this evening, I would not at all be surprised to learn that my Camry was involved in a mysterious one vehicle explosion. She'd claim it was the gas leak; I'd know it was payback...

After returning home from the trip, respectively, we each got unpacked and settled in. Some time went by and we ended up talking on the phone hitting on numerous topics then bouncing to others and rolling back to the ones we'd opened with (yes, I do that in person, too). Maybe an hour into the conversation my cell's call waiting alert came on so I sort of abruptly told her to hang on. I looked at the name and number that came up and had absolutely no idea who it was, but figured I must have if I had them programmed. I was annoyed that I couldn't figure it out and kind of mumbled 'wait a minute' halfway into the phone sounding a bit inconvenienced. Turns out it was my cousin from California that I spoke with last about 4 or 5 months ago and before that....uh, probably 15 years, at least. Anyway, I was pretty excited and although I heard my call waiting alert me again (3 times...) I ignored it because I figured it was just my mom telling me she was going to bed and that I didn't have to call her back. Then maybe she called to add something she forgot. Then maybe, well, you get the idea.

When I get off the phone with my cousin, I called my mom back immediately and she jumped at me with 'are you ok?!' I told her I was but was really confused by her panicked reaction of me being on another call. Something wasn't adding up. This is a good time to remember her tendency toward the dramatic, ok? Turns out that she didn't realize I had taken another call (which I come back 99% of the time to the original caller... except this time) and could hear what seemed to be an open line. In her mind, I was being, strangled with my PC speaker wires, beaten with my own arm, fending off intruders that found their way in while I was out for the day, running from an explosion, out in the street witnessing a horrific 74 car pile up...well - you get the idea. (And you wonder why I think of things like Stabby-Man?! It's genetic, damnit!) I do suppose if I'd picked up her calls, this wouldn't have happened. But it get's better....

She informs me that she had no idea what to do and so... she called the local police. They would patch through a call to my nearest station, but they didn't have the number. She was just about to call for the number to my local police department to send them to see that I was ok and not a victim of some hideous crime. Do you realize what would have happened had I been on that call for another 5 or 10 minutes? Do you?! I'll tell you. I'd hear banging on my door yelling 'Police, open up' to which I would have responded by ignoring it and quietly scampering to find a nice place to hide, ulu in one hand, keychain in the other, knowing full well I'd not phoned the police. I'd have ended my call with my cousin and proceeded to diall 911... 'It's an emergency! Send help! There are police imposters trying to get into my house right at this very moment! Hurry, for the love of God, they have a battering ram! I don't want to lose my security deposit...hurry!' So, when the police would arrive to apprehend the, er, police - I'd have a whole lot of 'splaining to do and I would have no idea what was going on.

And all this because I thought she knew I took another call while she had no idea what happened after I told her to hold on in an annoyed voice. Turns out she was pacing at home, cell phone in one hand, land line in the other feverishly leaving progressively more panicked and worried messages on my cell (as it's my only phone) and preparing to send out the National Guard.

Moral of the story? Always call your mother. Always. If not, you'll feel really bad. Honest.