I've been doing some heavy duty thinking lately. The kind that would even tire the Energizer Bunny. What have I come up with? I'm not a happy camper. That's no big surprise, but through talking with a couple of people, I've come closer to learning why. The details are still hazy, but it's enough for me to know that something has to be done. Not everything can be changed at once, but I think I've found a starting point that I can deal with...
I'm leaving my job. Yes, the job that got my ass up and moving, out of Ohio, away from familiarity, away from my family, back 'home'. The one that I thought would be such a good career move. The sole reason I came here. Can I do the job? Yes, and well. Do they like me? They tell me so all the time. Is it a good match? No, not for me. I didn't want to admit to that, but I think I've finally faced it. As much as I love frogs, sometimes when you kiss a frog, it's still just a frog. I'll wait a while before I tell them that they are still just a frog. It's like unrequited love on the career front.
Will I be staying in Pittsburgh? That's a tough one. The job is the reason I came here but I could find something else. If I wanted to stay here. For reasons I'm not ready to get into (and one of you reading this knows what I'm talking about and why I hesitate) moving here has been more taxing than I had anticipated. It is specifically here. I never saw this little glitch coming but I refuse to live my life with blinders on in attempt to preserve my remaining sanity. Maybe someday I'll explain it. Or not.
Will I return to Ohio? That's a good question. The only thing that I am sure of at this precise moment is that I took a chance to better myself and it didn't play out as I'd hoped. Not even remotely. However, I did learn so much more about myself than I thought I could in such a short period of time. It's funny, just when you think you've identified your neuroses, an entire new crop springs forth.
My brain is saturated with thoughts, possibilities, and now more unrest. But I think that I'm at least willing to continue looking at this under a microscope because I will keep standing in my own way if I don't. The level of honesty I have with myself is my only hope at sorting this out. My current level of honesty says, "What the fuck do I do now?!"
It's hard to admit to defeat. But this is my choice, and I've learned from past experience that often the most screwed up situations that leave you feeling utterly depleted and thoroughly confused can also yield what can only be termed enlightenment. Even so, it isn't changing the fact that my path to enlightenment is paved with tears, anger, confusion and Prevacid.
At least I feel like I'm getting somewhere with all these feelings I've been having, so we'll see where it takes me.
23 comments:
Sounds like a fair and balanced assessment. As for the move, the best choices don't always yield the best outcomes, but it's still important to make them. Lesson learned.
My philosophy is that nothing is permanent. And we have to make decisions in life. Sometimes, they don't turn out the way we thought they would. Well, okay, we get what we can out of the experience and make a new decision. You'll be fine, whatever you do. Maybe the leeches are still looking for a playmate? And maybe you'll find another, even cuter apartment... one that's not in the hood and doesn't have madmen with knives (or not) under the porch.
See? I have been listening :)
ah well, after all my doing to get "this" job, I am quite in ur same situation, althought I don't know for ur reasons to stay or move after this.
I am still deabting with myself if to leave the job or actually stay just till the end of the year, so at least it has come to soem use for the resume'.
Good luck to you anyway :)
I agree with Jason here. And with Terri. The important thing is to make the decision, and not to have anyone make it for you.
You'll be fine, even if it seems to take forever. You are on the path to enlightenment, after all... :)
I don't think of this as a defeat or 'bad decision' ... you showed yourself that you are respected for your professional experience, you can survive a move and be independent. I've always thought people believe they are stuck - you showed everyone that you are unstuck.
Plus, its certainly ok to -choose- to return home, or try something else.
Without a perfect knowledge of the future, no decision is good or bad.
So...
Go you! Do fabulous and great things! Don't worry about the past, it's your foundation, but it is done with... ther is only today and today and perhaps tomorrow.
I am thinking about you.
S.x
What you are doing takes a level of courage that I think a lot of people don't have. It's easier to stay complacent where you are even if it's not comfortable. There are times when I think it would be great to go out on my own, but in reality I think it would be terrifying. I would be proud of myself if I was able to accomplish half of what you've done.
"I've learned from past experience that often the most screwed up situations that leave you feeling utterly depleted and thoroughly confused can also yield what can only be termed enlightenment"
Very true. You have the wisdom of experience. I know that you will succeed in whatever you do.
Jason - The best choices don't always yield the best outcomes. That sure says it all right there. I really like how you said that because I think that's probably the main thing I'm struggling to come to terms with. Thank you for your insight.
Terri - You are so right, nothing is permanent. I think that when we learn what we need to, life kind of tells us to move on. Perhaps this was all about learning more about myself, and not the job itself, as I had originally thought. Enter leeches, exit Stabby-Man?... Sounds like a good trade...lol.
Tigress - I thought there was some uncertainty going on with you and your job, too. Seems like we are both at the same point of wanting to leave, just a matter of when. At least I know I'm in good company; best of luck! =)
Anne - You know, I think that was alot of it; I had to see if I was still able to make a decision like this and carry through with some amount of success. Well, for the most part, I have. It simply isn't 'right' for some reason. So what was that you said... 'to infinity and beyond...?! =)
Fern - For those reasons you listed, it has been a success, and I do keep that in mind. My choices from this point on are based on the knowledge I've gained from this decision, and that can only help. I think it's just disappointing, that's all.
Saturnyne - Hey you! This has added to that foundation, no doubt. We all try to make good decisions, but it doesn't always seem to match with our original plan in the end. As long as something valuable has been learned, it's a positive thing. Perhaps I'll have to go spread my special 'Livewireness' in other countries as well...lol. Be on the lookout!
Anduin - Thank you so much for a wonderful thought. Maybe it's that 'courage' part that makes me feel some fear. No matter what, I can't deny what I feel, or don't feel, in this situation. Perhaps this is just a stopping point along the way to apply what I've learned and move on when the time is right.
Bean - Every experience I've had (and it is the same for us all) has put me where I am today. Not learning from new experiences would certainly be the means to an end. I'm simply too stubborn for that.
Good for you. To recognize that something isn't really working out and to decide to change it...that is admirable (and scary, yes--me, I get dragged into changes in my life kicking and screaming). I will be waiting to hear what comes next for you, and hoping it is something wonderful.
Well, at least you can never say "I wonder if I would've only given it a shot...." because you did. And now you know.
Those "I wonder if I would've only tried!" thoughts and feelings drive me insane.
And you are so right on about finally finding enlightenment.
What are your reason for leaving Ohio, was there no opportunity there? It doesn't seem like you in a hurry to return...
Well how do they say. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Believe me I made that mistake and now I do regret it. (Not that I am saying you are making a mistake). Life is like a rollercoaster ride if you dont ride it you will never now how it is sometimes it is scary sometimes its fun. So go for it! I always say stay with your gut feeling (that little voice inside is always right).
Jarvenpa - You're right, it is good that I can see things for what they are. It's weord though, sometimes I'm really good at the kicking and screaming thing myself; I think this one has been slowly creeping up though. All we can ever do is try for something better, right? (Btw, I sent you an email, let me know if you don't get it as often my emails get lost in the ether!)
Stacy - That's the one thought that I keep replaying! If I hadn't tried, I'm sure I would have performed a mental crucifiction on myself repeatedly convincing myself that life would have been perfect 'if only'...
Marco - At the time I left, opportunities were not plentiful, which is one reason that I have some amount of hesitation when it comes to returning. I'm still in the process of deciding how to proceed, so you never know where I may end up! =)
Whatalotoffun - Yeah, that green grass gets me every time! Just hard to say if that's how I felt about coming here, or how I feel about maybe going back. When I got here, my rollercoaster ride had my hands high in the air; at the moment, I'm clutching the bar again hoping to right myself and get my bearings. You are soooo right about that little voice; we just have to train ourselves to listen!
Others have said it but I will say it again: it doesn't sound like defeat to me, it sounds like a healthy balancing of priorities and perspectives that has led you along a different path. I hope that it goes well. Even where there is regret, a not necessarily bad emotion, regret is overcome and life moves on.
The thing about the move is that you made it for the job but also, in a way, aside from the job too. Although the two are linked it means that one can be undone without, if you desire, the other having to be.
Do you know what's available in the area or what you'd be aiming for ? I guess that'll make a big difference as to your overall answer.
Also you mentioned a glitch being specifically in Pittsburgh. Does that mean that staying for another job would leave that as an issue and if so could solving that mean the current job works better for you ?
Sorry, I'm all questions, aren't I ?
See, there's another one ;o)
Some heavy-duty thinking indeed. All I can say is that after I was faced with the choice what job to take, go with the one that makes you happy. At our age, when everyone is rushing around trying to money, it's sometimes better if you can make money and be happy about it-- or go where your happiness is. It's a trite answer I know but there it is.
Be well!
Nomad - You are right, regret isn't always a bad emotion. If we're mindful, we can learn from it. Let the balancing act begin!
eKapa - I suppose I thought I'd be learning different lessons from this, but it appears that what I'm learning has taken me by surprise. As you said, it's for a reason - thanks for the support!
Carpy - The linking and unlinking thing is kind of tricky; one could work without the other, but not the other way around. I've been checking job postings all over the place and there are options. Just need to decide where I want to be. I thought I knew that before, but seems I was wrong. Pittsburgh has alot of ghosts with my name on them and that was one thing I didn't account for. And that's ok, I like your questions... they make me think!
Banzai - 'Happy'... that's what I'm aiming for. Or at least markedly less miserable. ;) Yep, money can't do it all, I've got to find what's going to make me happy. Guess it's time to refine my search!
I'll be back.
Blessings to you, dear heart. Sometimes doing the right thing is harder than doing the wrong. I feel in a similar place with my current assignment. I plan to leave at the end of the month. The money is decent but not worth my sanity.
BTW, this is a not-so-old friend back from spring vacation. You can find me here:
www.she-aint-normal.com
Wishing you all the best ...
DayByDay - Hope to see you again!
AbNorMal - Thank you for the link! Looks great over there! I agree, sometimes doing the right thing is so hard that it can make it seem like the wrong thing...(if it's the right thing, would it be this hard?) You and I both need an overhaul in the job department! Really good to see you back.
What a great post livewire: It says so much about the process of change and how it comes to us through our most trying times. Not that I would want anyone to try me just to teach me in some sort of patriarchal or controlling manner but as life goes, we all get our share. I’ve been pondering a large change in my life and for now, I can’t tell if I’m just tired and need a rest or if I really don’t belong in this venue. It’s nice to read how others are going through similar sorts of questions.
But after reading Terri’s post about madmen with knives, et al, I’d be remiss to advise anyone to not haul their … out of there.
And tigress comments sound like where I’m at, which is one of the times to just stick it out. Circumstances usually reveal the devils in the details. And ferncanyonman’s remarks about being unstuck are relevant when one needs to move on. We’re all at such varying times; in one circumstance I find myself staying and in another I find I need to let something die so that something new can be born, or as you noted on my blog: accepting change (thanx). And anne’s observations on enlightenment, points to a sort of personal cycle of reincarnation after suffering is transcended.
Good luck but I hope you keep your blog.
FrenchIndian - Perhaps we are both at that point of change. It's funny how it can just kind of attack you when you aren't looking, but then again, if we saw it coming we'd avoid it and never learn anything new about ourselves, right? That's a very interesting way to see things, that one thing may need to fade away to make room for a new one. That may be one of the hardest lessons of all. I don't think this blog is in danger of going anywhere... it's sort of like really inexpensive therapy. =)
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