I've never been one much for holidays. Well, as a kid I suppose I was, but not for most of my adult life. I had a bit of a reminder today regarding one of the reasons why.
Let's keep in mind that I don't really like to shop much, either. Yep, a non-shopping female... we do exist; not just in the dreams of men and the occasional Public Television specials, but flesh and bone. So I had to go shop for boots today. The rest of the world is shopping for whatever winter holiday they celebrate and I'm on a mission for practical cold weather and snow boots. Right. So I pass several stores including Dress Like a Mess, Sluts-R-Us, Cheesy Gizmos and Gadgets Galore, Waifs on a Diet Inc. (poorly yet ironically placed directly beside Amazon-Woman Apparel) and lastly, several various kiosks where workers attempted to accost me with their wares. I say attempted because the third one that approached me almost got his 'ware' shoved up his ass. No, I do not want to try your samples. No, I do not care to hear about the wonders of your particular over-priced product. What I want, people, is for you to avoid eye contact, leave me alone, get the fuck out of my way, and direct me to the goddammed boots for christ's sake! The only ones getting my money are the ones that sell me the boots I want... got it?!?!?!
Well, funny thing is, they don't. 'Got it', that is. On my return round, kiosk-boy sees me (as just another shopper) wandering near by. I see his fake holiday commission-based smile start to form as he begins to offer forth his wares; and just then, he realizes that he already tried to hit me up. He was the one that almost got his ware (I don't even know what it was) shoved tightly into his duodenum via the rectal route. When the realization settled on his jingle bell sized brain, the smile faded, a kind of special pallor overtook him and he took two steps back to go around the other side of the kiosk with a swiftness usually only seen on Animal Planet Safari programs. I love being able to illicit that sort of reaction with only a look... perhaps there really IS a Santa Claus....
And don't think I wasn't tempted to pop around the other side of the kiosk just to fuck with him. Holiday shopping is the worst and brings out the same in me.
Oh yeah, I got my boots. =)
So, anyone miss my ever-so-cheery blogging lately? Heh...
21 comments:
Anne said she couldn't comment on the other one, so I copied it and reposted, and... voila! Like magic... comments work. Damn fickle Blogger anyway.
Hey I tried to post too and couldn't. I'm glad you're back, even though I haven't been able to get you that email before you got back like I wanted. There's just not enough hours in the day this time of the year. I'll agree with you about what a rotten time of year this is. You know the whole debate about what to say: Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays...well I don't know why anyone says it should be Merry Christmas to make sure everyone remembers is supposed to be about the birth of Christ, this holiday has nothing to do with that. It's all about how much crap you can get and how cheap you can get it. And I'm not even a religious person. Ok, didn't mean to go off at the rant, but I am really glad to see you back. Hope things are settling down somewhat for you.
And yay! I was the first person to welcome you back. At least on here!
You go round the other side of that kiosk and fuck with him next time.
Please? ;)
lol! Good to have you back :-) It's fun to mess with unsuspecting strangers, isn't it? Had a good chuckle - I can just picture the scene.
BTW concerning your last post? I think I may have traces of Attention Defecit Disorder ... especially when it comes to shopping. As soon as I walk into a shop I forget why I was there and get distracted by all the pretty sparkly things. And the boots, of course.
John - Seems Blogger was having a fit but I just sidestepped it; glad you were able to post this time. This is always the busiest time of year and when you have more than the typical holiday stuff going on, it's a little more taxing. As far as what to say?... If someone hits me with a holiday greeting of sorts, I respond "you too"... it's the best I can do especially since it's just a big greedy time of year. Typing this just made me realize that in 98% of situations where any holiday phrase has been uttered, I was not the one to iniate it. Wow. I'm worse than the Grinch... eventually he changed his ways! lol... Anyway, off to do anti-holiday things. Truly hope all is well with you and we'll catch up after your busy season. =)
Anne - Well, since you asked so nicely, I'll have to. I mean, it's supporting international relations, right? ;)
Terri - Oh yes, messing with people is fun. But really only when they are dumb enough to deserve it do I get really into it. My nerves don't support stupidity, what can I say. They should make that an olympic sport, eh? Oh yes... you and sparklies... say no more... lol!
You sound so intimidating and you weren't even wearing your boots!!
Livewire for dominatrix of the year! :-)
Yeah the shopping sucks! You should kick off your boots and chill out with the Grinch for Christmas!!!
Course the fun part bout Christmas is it's such a good excuse to get fuckin drunk as hell!
Definitely missed you. And not in the "I need to upgrade my laser sights" way, either.
ok first things first.... I'm late as usual - so in regards to your last post
about #10 - there should only be 5 or 7 jingle bells
there’s no space between the 2nd jingle bells comma and the 3rd jingle bells – same with the 7th & 8th – same with the 12th & 13th – same with the 17th & 18th
and #14 has a comma between jingle and bells
these should all be fixed - deleted and fixed again 5 or 7 times being sure to count CAREFULLY lest you accidentally do it SIX times which would surely cause something horrible to happen!! hehehe
as for your mall experience.... YUCK!!! I HATE the mall on a normal day - but this time of year... ugh!! I'm very grateful for ebay and amazon!!!
at our mall there is always some person lurking around the food court trying to 'take just a minute of your time' to have you participate in some survey - then they take you back into some dark dingy broom closet type room down near the bathrooms where they get you to compare the product in cup A to the product in cup B and answer 300 questions about them on a scale of 1 - 10
I used to always complain when I saw commercials that said 7 out of 10 people prefer X brand over Y because nobody ever asked ME!!
now whenever I go to the mall I have to think of clever new ways to avoid being asked!! hehehe
I am a non-shopping female, too.
And I'm glad you got your boots!
Yeah, that's exactly what If eel like doing with some of these people. Pne other trick is making them take out all that they have to offer and ask all the time for soemthign different and at the end tell them "Oh well, thank you for ur time" ;) and walk away
Nomad - yeah, so just imagin the power I might have with the boots! =) And Dominatrix of the Year?... yeah, I could go for that...lol!
Bean - I think I will be chillin with the Grinch this year. Remember, he stole all the presents so I won't even have to shop!
Kyknoord - Always good to be missed, in this case I'm glad you didn't get the laser sight recalibrated! ;)
Kitty - The funny thing is that you noticed those things. The scary part is that I will no doubt go back and check it! =) As for those 'lurkers' at the mall, I remember being roped in once. ONCE. Oh, it. took. hours. I think I'm still kind of bitter - and it was about some cleaning product I knew nothing of nor cared one bit about. I feel bad for the people that have that job. They probably go home and cry. If not, I can see to it that they do...lol.
Goddess - Always nice to know there are others like me out there! And btw, the boots are great! =)
Tigress - Lol... you are so bad. I'm going to have to try that next time! =) Fair is fair when it comes to wasting time, right?
When Christmas shopping, I tend to take pity on the ware-pushers. Retail is a bitch year-round but these poor people are accosted by droves of grumpy shoppers for a whopping $6 an hour. I just want to hug them all and tell them that things are going to be okay.
Jay - Actually, I do agree with you; what makes me so pissy is that they almost have to accost you for commission. I've done retail so I know what it's like. When they cross the line though, it's all fair game. But I'm a Grinch, so what can I say? =)
Hi L :)
Before I even say anything let me tell you darling that this post of yours was so hilarious that despite the fact that I’ve read it a few times in the past few days, it still makes me laugh out loud :)) I even asked Gabri to come and read it. She was rolling on the floor. I guess since she’s a woman, she gets more sense of humor out of it. We loved it :)
Now speaking of holidays and related topics including shopping… I’m into any kind of holidays, of course as long as there is no work & shopping in any shape or form involved. But Xmas holidays are in a category by themselves. Never mind Jesus and Mary in the whole thing. It seems like they don’t count anymore. And I know why, cuz they don’t shop anymore. They’ve gone to heaven. So nowadays things are really different than the old days. Somebody actually wished me Happy Chrismaka in Starbucks the other day! I was so deep into my ADD mood that I thought she was telling me that it was happy hour and she was offering me a new type of coffee! Well, I said no thanx. I’ll have a decaf Tall Americano. She ended up whispering, “Weirdo”, just as she was making my coffee.
Anyway, that happened before I got to my 2 o’clock. So when I got there I told the whole story to my shrink and he ended up explaining what was going on. But now he wants me to go back to drip coffee and jack up my Ritalin by doubling my usual dose. But here’s the new one which is supposedly going to work for me better than the other ones: Tofranil [25 mg] once a day. My problem is that I’ve never heard of this shit before so I bombarded the poor guy with lots of questions. I even went on and threatened him that I have a friend involved in the pharmaceutical industry and if this shit isn’t good shit he’s going to be in deep trouble. He sort of convinced me that it’s good for me and I’ll be okay. I don’t know… what do you think?
Oh by the way, I mentioned the list in your previous post and proudly claimed that I only belong to #5. He sort of said sorry Farzad but after knowing you for all these years you pretty much belong to the whole top 10. So when I asked him why didn’t you tell me this before, he said that in those days he was fresh out of med school and didn’t want to lose me as a patient since I was the only one who was giving him any business. Plus, he didn’t want to ruin my self-esteem on top of it. So I go, “Why are you trying to fuck my mood now?” He said, “Just to see if you would still lose it or not!”
I was shocked for a few seconds then he jumped and said: “Just kidding, just kidding! It was a joke. Just for laughs, that’s all. Happy holidays!”
So I left his office thinking to myself, for next year’s Xmas I’ll buy or borrow L’s new boots and jump over his desk and kick his filthy ass and tell him, “Just kidding, just kidding!”
Good to see you back sweetie and have a magical holiday with lots of laughter ;)
And this is why I keep coming back to read your blog. *wry grin*
You crack me up! I would LOVE to take you shopping with me and just watch you do your "Animal Planet Safari" magic! ;)
Farzad - Glad you got a good laugh out of this post; and I'm sure Gabri could identify from the femals point of view. Thanks for sharing it with her! You cracked me up when you said that the Jesus and Mary don't count anymore because they don't shop!!! Then... your Starbucks thing... OMG! That is one of the best things I've heard in a long while. I think I would have paid to see the look on your face. =) So, you are in this mode and you drink decaf? Good thing! =) That's like when I'm manic - caffeine is NOT a good thing to add. For the Tofranil, it's used quite a bit but not as much as the latest 'drugs of the months' that they want to push. Might make you drowsy til you get used to it but that just mean no driving bulldozers or steamrollers until you are sure. Unless you are heading toward a mall...lol. Here is a good site for you to check out. But remember one thing...this gives you any and all info about a drug. Way more than you want to know; things that may not apply to you. Don't let it scare you. http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/druginformation.html Depending on any other meds you may take, check if it would increase or decrease the clearance of either drug. If you want me to do some detailed checking, just email me and I'd be more than happy to. =) I'm still trying to get my meds in order. For the moment they are ok. Not great, but I'll take ok. It's an ongoing process, and a frustrating one at that. Lol... and at least you know your doc is honest now!!! Wanna borrow my boots?
Banzai - The ones that get this side of me really identify - I'm glad you're one of them! =)
Stacy - Lol... we could go shopping and we could work a plan to get these situations started. Actually, it seems to find me, so I'd be more than happy to be your entertainment! =)
Javier - Glad you enjoyed it. And thank you for the invite - very nice work you have there!
Hi L,
You say my Doctor being honest? Naah :)
I would definitely going to borrow your boots...
[Shit, I end up sounding so gay on this one… never mind the boots dear :]
Thanx 4 everything ;)
Farzad - Lol...then we'll get you your own pair! =)
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