This post may appear extremely long, but the content is limited. I'm still struggling and trying to work through this but I thought of something I can do to give an example of what I'm feeling through some music and lyrics (for those of you that are unfamiliar with what a bipolar mixed episode feels like). Combine this with my last post - it's the best I can do.
This one covers the mania, panic, confusion... it's called Duality (how fitting). I could not find the audio version in it's entirety but a video instead. Change the player settings if you need to but be warned... the band wears horrendous masks so I'll put the lyrics first then you can go to the link. It's worth it to hear and read it together. I'm not a big fan but this one, I like. Just don't say I didn't warn you.
Duality
Slipknot
I push my fingers into my eyes...
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache...
But it's made of all the things I have to take...
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside...
If the pain goes on...
Aaaaaaaah!
I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now, All I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I can't promise you'll enjoy the noise
I guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the Pieces, then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way,
Nothing is what it seems!
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane...
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
All I've got...all I've got is insane!
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on,
I'm not gonna make it!
Uplifting, eh? Ok, here's the link so you can listen and see... go...
So the next part is the sorrow and loss feelings thanks to the depression end of it. There is only one song that I can think of that can absolutely bring me to my knees; partially because of the deep sorrow and partially because of the hope entwined in it. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the song in it's entirety, just a short sample. If you heard the whole thing, you'd understand. I'm adding a link to the band because they are fabulous, have an excellent sound with an interesting middle eastern flair and his voice is incredibly unique. Again, read the lyrics... this one is much easier on the ears (and eyes if you go to their site).
The Messenger
The Tea Party
Got a letter from a messenger
I read it when it came
It said that you were wounded
You were bound and chained
You had loved and you were handled
You were poisoned, you were pained
Oh no Oh no
You were naked, you were shamed
You could almost touch heaven
Right there in front of you
Liberty just slipped away on us
Now there's so much work to do
Oh the door that closes tightly
Is the door than can swing wide
Oh no Oh no
Not expecting to collide
For a minute I let my guard down
Not afraid to be found out
I completely forgot dear
What our fears were all about
Oh no there's no need to be without
If there's a chance I would take it
This desire I can't kill
Take my heart please don't break it
I will crawl to your foothill
I'm frightened but I'm coming
Please baby please lay still
Oh no Oh no
I'm not coming for the kill
Oh no, I'm not coming for the kill
Oh no, I'm not coming for the kill
Just scroll down to the sample section, it's number 6; and here is the band's site. They have an exquisite site and samples play from the time you connect.
I hope you enjoy the Tea Party track but both give you an idea of what is going on in my head at the same time, fighting for the same space and devouring my neurotransmitters like Pez. Duality says it all.
15 comments:
Hey,
Not to make light of your situation but check out this link as a cure:http://www.panexa.com/
Just thought you might need a little cheering up :)
Hi LW I wish I had something to say that would help. This is truly the worst time of year for messed up emotions - we've had our share of it here too. I'm with my 2 good friends and my hubby and stepkids and we did the best we could to make it a happy christmas but we're all so far from home & family, we all had our little moments yesterday. Not that I'm trying to make a comparison. I guess I just wanted to let you know I was here & am thinking about you and you're not alone in the world. Feel better soon.
xxxx
Hi L :)
My comment end up being too long as usual so I emailed to you. However, I wish I could write something to make you laugh but I don't think it's a good time to do that now. So try to laugh a little bit and just hang in there cause things are gonna get better no matter what.
:)
Tomorrow 's gonna be better..
hang in there slick, i always find that if i have time to go "this song is pretty much how i feel" then i'm already on the mend. though it could be the first time i've heard anyone do that in relation to a slipknot number :)
*sends cyber hug and hopes it helps a tiny bit*
That was awesome artistry. Thank you for sharing those lyrics and introducing me to those bands.
As a musician, while I'm sorry you feel the way you do, I'm so excited that there's music that you relate to and moves you and makes you feel just that much more understood. God, I love art.
And I hope that didn't come off as insensitive. *blushes*
there's nothing quite so frustrating or distracting as having all the little voices inside your head (that are you) arguing and yelling different things at you - esp. when none of them are saying nice things (you'd think cause they are you and cause they're in your head, you should have some control over them, but no, it just doesn't work that way, does it?) - and to make things worse, your external support(familliar) structure is changed and not responsive yet - i wish you good luck and lots of love - i have nothing to say that is helpful, but maybe: get out! go for a walk if you can or a bike ride or whathaveyou... maybe it will halp to give your head some space without walls to expand thoughts into, and if not, air is good too :)
(sorry about the long comment and i like the lyrics a lot)
Heidi - Thanks for the support. You know, when I write about things like this, it does help because I can address it on safe terms without having to defend it to someone. I'm glad it comes across clearly because, for as much as I joke about it sometimes, it really is serious. You are right about the routine, I think that'll help alot. I kind of pulled the rug out from under my own feet recently and it messed with me more than I thought. I'll get there; I'm beginning to feel it ease. Just a bit, but I'll take it! =)
John - That was great! I liked the things you should not use it for and the info for squirrels. Thanks for the laugh! =)
eKapa - Indeed we do, and I wish you the best. We'll make it.
Terri - You are fine making a comparison in that way - being apart is being apart, plain and simple. And stress helps no one, that's for sure. Nor do holidays! =) Thanks for the kind words and thoughts.
Farzad - Thank you for the email. =) And I do try to laugh; I'm actually a very silly person. It's when I stop laughing that I notice a problem starting. I'm trying to force myself into laughter bit by bit. I will catch up to it. =)
Foulla - You are right, it'll get there.
Prisoner - Lol... yeah, Slipknot isn't usually something most people identify so closely with (thank goodness). That song is dead on, though. But I can barely look at them still. Blech. Thanks for the hug!
Goddess - I've always been very drawn to music but have no abilities in that area other than appreciating it and really feeling it. The Tea Party has so many different sounds (vocals and instruments) I can listen to them in any mood. And that was not insensitive at all, not in the least! I'm happy to give you a guided musical tour of my mental status! =)
Mysfit - Correct. If they'd all cooperate up there, things would be going alot smoother. But they don't and they just don't stop until they are good and ready. And when everything around you has changed, including your 'role' in life, it's like it energizes the entire process. I'm not prying, but you speak of this as if you are well acquainted on some level. It does help to know that I'm truly not the only one that's gone through this, or something similar. Don't shortchange yourself - what you said was very helpful. I did try going outside and ended up crying fitfully because things were differnet. Maybe it was just too soon; maybe tomorrow will be better for that. I can feel that this wants to lift but my brain doesn't want to let go of it quite yet. Go figure. =) Never apologize for the length of a comment, ever! Glad you liked the lyrics; hope you hit the links to hear some.
You really are going through a rough patch! And during the worst time of the year to be doing it. I hope that you are feeling better or, if not, can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I have similar feelings/moods that often threaten to take a grip on me but I escape it, if you can call it escape, by indulging in ridiculously debauched behaviour. Surprisingly, this Christmas, a rather lonely one in terms of personal feelings, I've not been as debauched as I could have been. But, there is still time between now and the new year. :-)
Hope you feel better soon.
it's not prying LW - you are correct, you are not the only one to deal with this sort of shit - what always get's to me the worst in these sort of swings is that there isn't a single voice in my head trying to defend me - dammit - certainly changing everything, esp. your "role" in life energizes this process, insecurity always does - hopefully it will eventually energize a rebirth as well - and crying fits are good, if irritating things, because at least it's an outward expression and not an echo-bottle...
oh and i did listen to the bits, The Tea Party sounds neat, i may look more into this thing.
SAHLE NO MUBARAK;)
IndeGrl - Living with someone who goes through it is almost as bad as going through it yourself. Some would argue with that but truth be told, I know I've put people through hell and they only wanted to help. They ride that wave with you, just not as intensely. It is calming a little, so I'm to the point where I feel a bit more human and less like an expiriment gone wrong. =)
Nomad - Sometimes the light at the end of a tunnel is a train, so I still remain cautious. ;) Wait... you? Debauchery?! Why, I'm not sure I believe that!!! Heh - and if you didn't get enough of it at Christmas, you'd better hurry and get in your year-end quota soon! Seriously though, I'm glad you usually escape them; it's a bitch otherwise.
Mysfit - Reading your comments is like being in my own head (and you're right, why isn't one of the voices defending me?!) in the way that you know. Crying helps some (else I think I'd explode) as does throwing and smashing. Needless to say I do not own many fineries...lol. As for The Tea Party, their site has alot of samples and it's just gorgeous. Being a Canadian band the States doesn't seem to acknowledge them as they do some of the more popular ones. They have a sound for every mood - enjoy!
Foulla - Oh no, I admit... you've lost me here. Please enlighten... =)
Your blog has been quiet since Christmas day even though I know you are around because of strange requests on my blog. :-)
I hope things are going well there and that you have overcome the severe blues you seemed to be going through. And, more than just that, I hope that 2006 will be a happy and prosperous year for you.
Nomad - That's not such a stra... ok, well maybe it is, but what can I say...every girl has her weaknesses! =)
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