Perhaps it is the time of season - warm weather is approaching, green is slowly appearing, the days are growing longer... Ok, well, I'd like to be able to link it to that, but I'd be in some serious denial. The problem I'm referring to is the one where no matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to keep my big mouth shut...
Maybe I can blame planetary alignment. I've been getting myself into situations that I'd rather avoid and consequently being left out of some situations that I'd rather get into. (Does that even make a little sense?) My foot seems to be rather intimately drawn to my mouth lately. It's kind of funny in a dark, emotionally twisted sort of way... the people I don't mean to offend are ultimately the ones I offend. Or frighten away. Then, the ones I wouldn't mind offending, seem to line up for more. Perhaps I can blame it on the tide... yeah, the tide.
From moment to moment, I seem to lose more of my filter. At times, it's like I have absolutely NO internal monologue! Did my urgency of speech suddenly revert back to what it was when I was 4 or 5?! Oh sure, it's 'cute' when a kid says something untamed but at the age of 34, I fear it comes across more along the lines of 'disturbing'. I know... clowns! I'll blame clowns... hate the menacing bastards anyway...
Don't misunderstand, I'm all for saying what is on your mind, even at the risk of (gasp) not fitting in. This is different, though, in the way that I suspect I'm pushing people away a little bit and I can't seem to catch it as I'm doing it. Or better yet, before I do it. It's always that damned hindsight that is so keen, isn't it? It's just difficult to see someone recoil (even tactfully) and knowing that had you been more mindful of your own actions, things might not be this way. Then again, maybe it would - hard to say, really. Either way, it is really bothering me.
I've got it... I'll blame Dubya. (We have a winner folks!)
I've got to find the place where I took the wrong turn. I've always been pretty much left of center, rather outgoing and outspoken. Combine that with a vivid imagination, bipolar disorder, and having a lot to say about nothing in particular and the stamina with which to carry it out and it is a form of mayhem all it's own. But it is my mayhem, and I like it. Usually. I'm just not sure what triggered my lack of filter lately. I'm confident that I'll figure it out but I'd like to do it before I hurt anyone else's feeling, piss more people off, acquire a creepy fan-base, or generally offend someone else with comments taken out of context.
Of course, I can't be too quiet... no one would recognize me! =)
2 comments:
I like the idea of blaming Dubya, I shall blame him for everything from now on. Even though I'm not from America. But whatever it is, I'm sure it was his fault anyway!
the story i wrote based off your last post is up now. hope you don't mind...
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