Or maybe 23, either way.
Flash back to 1982 when a young LiVEwiRe meets a nice young boy named Matt. She is in the seventh grade in a new school and is completely taken with this boy. Throughout school, paths cross but nothing really happens. Jump to about six or seven years ago when we meet up again after not seeing each other for 10 years. Hugs, a kiss on the cheek, and several conversations but nothing more.
Until Saturday night. Twenty four years it took for those kisses to become real. Yeah, it's a bit surreal. But they were very, very real.
I would very much like a repeat of that moment. It took 24 years, but in a way, it was worth it.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Friday, November 10, 2006
The simple rules of driving
I'm not one to believe that people should all do things alike. Other than the fact that it would just be creepy, one way doesn't suit all people or situations. Having said that, there are a few exceptions - one being driving.
Really, what in the hell is wrong with people? Having just left the supertight, confined spaces I was just in I find that I've traded it for the high-speed version. Last night as I was leaving work, a van two cars in front of me decided that when you see police officers on the side of the road with their lights on, the appropriate action is to slam on your brakes effectively taking you from about 70mph to 50mph in a matter of seconds. This poses a few problems. Most of them coming from the distance (or lack thereof) between vehicles. See, in this impatient society we feel that being eight feet closer to the vehicle ahead of us will prompt them to move out of our way so we can have the road all to ourselves. We're all delusional but we repeat the same behavior every day. Anyway, it is inevitable that during these high speed gridlocks, someone will mess with the flow and hit their brakes. So much for the drive it like it's hot theory. It is also a given that a driver will take their eyes off the road for a moment, to change the song, peek at their kid, check their gas gauge, or any number of things. That is the dreaded combination that ended in a serious driving woe yesterday. When the jackass in the van hit their brakes, we all had to follow suit (like a domino effect) to avoid hitting the person in front of us. Once my car was back under control, I looked in the rear view mirror to see that someone must've looked away for a moment, forcing them to lock their brakes, do a total 180 and slide sideways right into the police cars.... oops. I have no idea how things turned out or if anyone was seriously injured but nothing was on the news so perhaps it looked worse than it really was.
People. I implore you; do not be a stupid driver. Weaving in and out of traffic so close that you shave off their bumper stickers is not good. Nor is foregoing the use of signaling devices. For shit's sake, you don't have to pay extra to use them, they came with the car - use them! Same goes with your headlights. Driving excessively slow is also a no go. The tortoise may eventually get there, true, but if you are in front of me and constantly driving like you are searching for an address in a foreign land, I'm sure to jump you at the next stop sign. One last thing. If you have a standard shift car and insist on downshifting all the time instead of applying the brake (giving me lights as a warning), eventually, I will rear-end you. On purpose. See, it takes a second to realize that you are slowing (hmm, to a stop?) in front of me - remember that critical second in the above scenario? Look, you're the one that bought the car with an extra pedal, so use it, use the damned clutch if you have to and stop being so lazy!
Of course, no one ever admits to being an idiot driver. To make it easier on myself while on the road, I make sure I add in lots of singing along to CDs or the radio, pretty much as loud as I can. That's not so bad because even at my ripe old age (haha) I have a tendency to turn it up loud enough that my ears go a bit numb when I finally shut it off. Occasional car-dancing is acceptable when a good song is on. Headbanging is suitable for many situations as well. It passes the time and keeps me in a much better mood than I'd be in if I were to pay attention to so many of the fools out on the road.
Now I'm off to my Gram's for a bit and possibly Pittsburgh on Saturday. I suppose I just like to torture myself. I mean, I have nothing to do there, no real reason to go, I just want to see how I feel. Will I find that I really miss it? That should be a good indicator for how I feel about things here. To be honest, I still have no idea what in the hell I'm doing. Half the time the job is just 'ok', about 30% makes me want to hurt people, and 20% is good. And the good part is probably when I go away in my head for a bit. Meh. On the bright side, I got to work for a while with that guy I mentioned. He's rather odd. I like odd. He's a good distraction, for now anyway. ;)
Really, what in the hell is wrong with people? Having just left the supertight, confined spaces I was just in I find that I've traded it for the high-speed version. Last night as I was leaving work, a van two cars in front of me decided that when you see police officers on the side of the road with their lights on, the appropriate action is to slam on your brakes effectively taking you from about 70mph to 50mph in a matter of seconds. This poses a few problems. Most of them coming from the distance (or lack thereof) between vehicles. See, in this impatient society we feel that being eight feet closer to the vehicle ahead of us will prompt them to move out of our way so we can have the road all to ourselves. We're all delusional but we repeat the same behavior every day. Anyway, it is inevitable that during these high speed gridlocks, someone will mess with the flow and hit their brakes. So much for the drive it like it's hot theory. It is also a given that a driver will take their eyes off the road for a moment, to change the song, peek at their kid, check their gas gauge, or any number of things. That is the dreaded combination that ended in a serious driving woe yesterday. When the jackass in the van hit their brakes, we all had to follow suit (like a domino effect) to avoid hitting the person in front of us. Once my car was back under control, I looked in the rear view mirror to see that someone must've looked away for a moment, forcing them to lock their brakes, do a total 180 and slide sideways right into the police cars.... oops. I have no idea how things turned out or if anyone was seriously injured but nothing was on the news so perhaps it looked worse than it really was.
People. I implore you; do not be a stupid driver. Weaving in and out of traffic so close that you shave off their bumper stickers is not good. Nor is foregoing the use of signaling devices. For shit's sake, you don't have to pay extra to use them, they came with the car - use them! Same goes with your headlights. Driving excessively slow is also a no go. The tortoise may eventually get there, true, but if you are in front of me and constantly driving like you are searching for an address in a foreign land, I'm sure to jump you at the next stop sign. One last thing. If you have a standard shift car and insist on downshifting all the time instead of applying the brake (giving me lights as a warning), eventually, I will rear-end you. On purpose. See, it takes a second to realize that you are slowing (hmm, to a stop?) in front of me - remember that critical second in the above scenario? Look, you're the one that bought the car with an extra pedal, so use it, use the damned clutch if you have to and stop being so lazy!
Of course, no one ever admits to being an idiot driver. To make it easier on myself while on the road, I make sure I add in lots of singing along to CDs or the radio, pretty much as loud as I can. That's not so bad because even at my ripe old age (haha) I have a tendency to turn it up loud enough that my ears go a bit numb when I finally shut it off. Occasional car-dancing is acceptable when a good song is on. Headbanging is suitable for many situations as well. It passes the time and keeps me in a much better mood than I'd be in if I were to pay attention to so many of the fools out on the road.
Now I'm off to my Gram's for a bit and possibly Pittsburgh on Saturday. I suppose I just like to torture myself. I mean, I have nothing to do there, no real reason to go, I just want to see how I feel. Will I find that I really miss it? That should be a good indicator for how I feel about things here. To be honest, I still have no idea what in the hell I'm doing. Half the time the job is just 'ok', about 30% makes me want to hurt people, and 20% is good. And the good part is probably when I go away in my head for a bit. Meh. On the bright side, I got to work for a while with that guy I mentioned. He's rather odd. I like odd. He's a good distraction, for now anyway. ;)
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Close my eyes, I become the sky
I'm still working on getting around to all the blogs I usually read. I haven't been able to comment everywhere but I'm still making rounds. I'm just saying that it's really great to be back to something that I find so normal.
In other news, it's not looking good. I'm still trying to come to terms with things and figure out what will be a wise 'next step'. You'll know soon after I do. I tell you all things before I tell the non-blogging people in my life. There are so many things that are all twisted now but for some reason I'm dealing with it better than I thought. Don't get me wrong, I'm hovering between being pissed off and let down (among other things) but for the most part, I'm dealing with it in a matter of fact way. Kind of like... Yes, it's a matter of fact that this blows, guess another decicion has to be made. Joy. I never said I was all sweet about it; who would I be without just a dash of bitterness, eh?
Be happy for me... I should only have one more week of having to get up at 4am as training will be over and I'll be an official employee. Well, at least until I give them my notice. Ahem. Yeah, this 4am thing is some form of torture, I'll tell you! It was only a month ago that I was going to bed at that time!
A nice bonus during this very weird time is that there is a boy at work (ok, so he's like, a 27 year old pharmacist, not so much a boy) that has eyes that literally captivate me... soon he'll be thinking I'm a stalker or something but I really can't help it; I catch a glimpse and can't break away. I can't really explain it but it's like comfort in a glance. I'd have to say that's the best part of my days. Oh...
and maybe the discovery of the leeches...
Hope all is well, I'll be back soon! ;)
In other news, it's not looking good. I'm still trying to come to terms with things and figure out what will be a wise 'next step'. You'll know soon after I do. I tell you all things before I tell the non-blogging people in my life. There are so many things that are all twisted now but for some reason I'm dealing with it better than I thought. Don't get me wrong, I'm hovering between being pissed off and let down (among other things) but for the most part, I'm dealing with it in a matter of fact way. Kind of like... Yes, it's a matter of fact that this blows, guess another decicion has to be made. Joy. I never said I was all sweet about it; who would I be without just a dash of bitterness, eh?
Be happy for me... I should only have one more week of having to get up at 4am as training will be over and I'll be an official employee. Well, at least until I give them my notice. Ahem. Yeah, this 4am thing is some form of torture, I'll tell you! It was only a month ago that I was going to bed at that time!
A nice bonus during this very weird time is that there is a boy at work (ok, so he's like, a 27 year old pharmacist, not so much a boy) that has eyes that literally captivate me... soon he'll be thinking I'm a stalker or something but I really can't help it; I catch a glimpse and can't break away. I can't really explain it but it's like comfort in a glance. I'd have to say that's the best part of my days. Oh...
and maybe the discovery of the leeches...
Hope all is well, I'll be back soon! ;)
Sunday, October 29, 2006
You had me at 'Atomic Dog'
Hooboy. Things rarely go as planned, do they? And even if they do, and you weren't expecting it, they still haven't gone as planned. Right? Right. Anyway. More on that in a second.
It's going to take me some time to get back into the swing of blogging for a couple of reasons, but I'm looking forward to catching up on what has been going on with you all since I posted at the beginning of the month. It may take me a while, but I'll be sure to stop in and say 'hi' over the next week or so.
So, I moved. Said move entailed a leaking car radiator (which has since apparently stopped leaking), a second fuel line leak (which I opted to fix as opposed to flirting with unintentional combustion), more tears and sobbing, many days debating which job to accept and some minor exhaustion that never fully left. But enough of the positive. Ahem. All I'm going to say about this move at the moment is that I'm not sure I did things the right way. Or should have done them in this manner. Something is off kilter somewhere and I've yet to figure out where. It's ok. Things will smooth out soon or I will quit my newly acquired job and move again. Worse things have happened and I'm rather certain worse things will happen; it's called life. All I'm saying is that for everything I worked so hard for, for all of my efforts and risk taking, for all the faith I had to have in myself and others, well, it may not have had the ending I'd hoped for. Part of me feels utterly drained. The other part of me just feels like I can handle it if it all falls through because I've already spent so damned much time fighting with this that I could just about wash my hands clean of it all even after the fact. We'll see. I should know more in a week or so. For now, the most positive thing I can really say is that I've quit smoking for three weeks. But that's a good thing, so be happy! =) Something must be wrong with me; I choose one of the toughest times in my life to quit smoking... perhaps I really am a glutton for punishment.
Which reminds me, if anyone has the song 'The Glutton of Sympathy' by Jellyfish, feel free to email it to me. Same goes with 'Being Simple' by The Judybats, but now I'm getting selfish. I need that Jellyfish song but keep forgetting to order it. Apparently I've forgotten repeatedly since it came out in the early 90s - gotta work on my memory. But yeah, the Jellyfish song... it's amazing.
And one last thing that I want to include in here tonight. I got a call early Saturday morning telling me that a friend of mine had died. He was shooting up cocaine and died of an unintentional drug overdose at the age of 29. I did alright with it until this afternoon when I heard Atomic Dog on the radio and it made me think of all our crazy nights at the bar, how I was one of a few that caught a glimpse beyond the partying persona, for as much of an ass as he could be at times, he was just as sensitive underneath. We were sort of an item for a while, but that was a long time ago. Even so, time doesn't diminish love for a friend. Tommy my friend, may you find the peace and love you were seeking.
That's all for tonight.
xoxo
It's going to take me some time to get back into the swing of blogging for a couple of reasons, but I'm looking forward to catching up on what has been going on with you all since I posted at the beginning of the month. It may take me a while, but I'll be sure to stop in and say 'hi' over the next week or so.
So, I moved. Said move entailed a leaking car radiator (which has since apparently stopped leaking), a second fuel line leak (which I opted to fix as opposed to flirting with unintentional combustion), more tears and sobbing, many days debating which job to accept and some minor exhaustion that never fully left. But enough of the positive. Ahem. All I'm going to say about this move at the moment is that I'm not sure I did things the right way. Or should have done them in this manner. Something is off kilter somewhere and I've yet to figure out where. It's ok. Things will smooth out soon or I will quit my newly acquired job and move again. Worse things have happened and I'm rather certain worse things will happen; it's called life. All I'm saying is that for everything I worked so hard for, for all of my efforts and risk taking, for all the faith I had to have in myself and others, well, it may not have had the ending I'd hoped for. Part of me feels utterly drained. The other part of me just feels like I can handle it if it all falls through because I've already spent so damned much time fighting with this that I could just about wash my hands clean of it all even after the fact. We'll see. I should know more in a week or so. For now, the most positive thing I can really say is that I've quit smoking for three weeks. But that's a good thing, so be happy! =) Something must be wrong with me; I choose one of the toughest times in my life to quit smoking... perhaps I really am a glutton for punishment.
Which reminds me, if anyone has the song 'The Glutton of Sympathy' by Jellyfish, feel free to email it to me. Same goes with 'Being Simple' by The Judybats, but now I'm getting selfish. I need that Jellyfish song but keep forgetting to order it. Apparently I've forgotten repeatedly since it came out in the early 90s - gotta work on my memory. But yeah, the Jellyfish song... it's amazing.
And one last thing that I want to include in here tonight. I got a call early Saturday morning telling me that a friend of mine had died. He was shooting up cocaine and died of an unintentional drug overdose at the age of 29. I did alright with it until this afternoon when I heard Atomic Dog on the radio and it made me think of all our crazy nights at the bar, how I was one of a few that caught a glimpse beyond the partying persona, for as much of an ass as he could be at times, he was just as sensitive underneath. We were sort of an item for a while, but that was a long time ago. Even so, time doesn't diminish love for a friend. Tommy my friend, may you find the peace and love you were seeking.
That's all for tonight.
xoxo
Friday, October 27, 2006
S-T-R-E-T-C-H!!!
Man, it's been ages since I've been here! Although I'm not really sure this counts as I'm just floating by to say hello and let you know that I should be back in a few days with a real post.
As opposed to this fake one.
Until then, be well.
As opposed to this fake one.
Until then, be well.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
Happy Trails...
This will be it for a little while. A few days, two weeks, a month, hard to say.
I've just completed my last day at this job and have no friggin clue what is going to happen next. Right now I'm too tired from packing to even care much. I can care tomorrow. Or the day after that.
Now I finish packing, cleaning, moving, etc. and start on a new path. Hopefully I'll get a little rest before it all begins. This has been taxing on unforeseen emotional levels and I'm just worn out.
Be well my little bloglings. I'll see you all soon enough. ;)
I've just completed my last day at this job and have no friggin clue what is going to happen next. Right now I'm too tired from packing to even care much. I can care tomorrow. Or the day after that.
Now I finish packing, cleaning, moving, etc. and start on a new path. Hopefully I'll get a little rest before it all begins. This has been taxing on unforeseen emotional levels and I'm just worn out.
Be well my little bloglings. I'll see you all soon enough. ;)
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Tug of War
As promised, I'm back, but not for long. Just to say this up front, my internet service will most likely be cut off on Friday and I have no idea when it will be back on. Might be two weeks, might be two months. Until then I'll try to check email and do an occasional post from the library IF I can remember my Blogger passwords. Either way, I'm sure I'll get a post in before my service gets shut off. Things have been nuts here and I really haven't been able to do much in the way of reading your posts and even less in the way of commenting.
So, about the dilemma and disappointment. The disappointment is still there although it's a tiny bit better. There's still this heavy, hollow feeling I'm experiencing and I have to say, I really don't like it. As for the dilemma, it sort of got worse, but then today, something else happened to turn things in another direction. I'm being pulled in different directions and originally, it was devastating, now it's just 'different' due to the most recent changes. What it all comes down to is that my last day of work is Friday, I'm moving this weekend, and I still have no idea which place I'm working for. It could still be both, but most likely I'll have to choose. Each one offers something that the other doesn't.
Leaving Pittsburgh is proving to be emotionally draining. It's sort of like a triple whammy. I'm saying goodbye for now, and that kind of triggers memories from the last time I left, and that sets off the chain of events that reminds me of leaving when I was young. I won't lie, I've been a crying, sobbing fool. But I do know that even though this is difficult, I'm doing it for all the right reasons. Even so, it's akin to giving up a security blanket. There's not a damn thing I can do to make the emotions stop but I'm ok with that. It's all part of the process of letting go.
On the brighter side, I went to the National Aviary with a friend on Sunday and enjoyed it immensely. It's been more than 16 years since my last visit and I got to reconnect with some old feathered friends. Oh yeah, and one special one 'connected' with me in one of the free flight rooms. Hey, some people say that's good luck - I just thought it was a bit messy. Meh, at least it wasn't some huge Condor or something. I'd post bird pics but Blogger won't let me. Again. I think my favorite there is the Tawny Frogmouth. They are completely odd looking yet adorable at the same time and their camoflage is amazing; they blend right in with the tree. My other sweetie is the African Grey. That is just one gorgeous bird, and probably smarter (videos!) than alot of humans I know. Of course knowing their lifespan, I'm convinced the AG I saw Sunday was the same one I used to spend time with over 16 years ago. So of course, that made me cry more. Eh, what can I say.
There you have it. The little update that could. Anyway, go check out those videos of Oliver!
So, about the dilemma and disappointment. The disappointment is still there although it's a tiny bit better. There's still this heavy, hollow feeling I'm experiencing and I have to say, I really don't like it. As for the dilemma, it sort of got worse, but then today, something else happened to turn things in another direction. I'm being pulled in different directions and originally, it was devastating, now it's just 'different' due to the most recent changes. What it all comes down to is that my last day of work is Friday, I'm moving this weekend, and I still have no idea which place I'm working for. It could still be both, but most likely I'll have to choose. Each one offers something that the other doesn't.
Leaving Pittsburgh is proving to be emotionally draining. It's sort of like a triple whammy. I'm saying goodbye for now, and that kind of triggers memories from the last time I left, and that sets off the chain of events that reminds me of leaving when I was young. I won't lie, I've been a crying, sobbing fool. But I do know that even though this is difficult, I'm doing it for all the right reasons. Even so, it's akin to giving up a security blanket. There's not a damn thing I can do to make the emotions stop but I'm ok with that. It's all part of the process of letting go.
On the brighter side, I went to the National Aviary with a friend on Sunday and enjoyed it immensely. It's been more than 16 years since my last visit and I got to reconnect with some old feathered friends. Oh yeah, and one special one 'connected' with me in one of the free flight rooms. Hey, some people say that's good luck - I just thought it was a bit messy. Meh, at least it wasn't some huge Condor or something. I'd post bird pics but Blogger won't let me. Again. I think my favorite there is the Tawny Frogmouth. They are completely odd looking yet adorable at the same time and their camoflage is amazing; they blend right in with the tree. My other sweetie is the African Grey. That is just one gorgeous bird, and probably smarter (videos!) than alot of humans I know. Of course knowing their lifespan, I'm convinced the AG I saw Sunday was the same one I used to spend time with over 16 years ago. So of course, that made me cry more. Eh, what can I say.
There you have it. The little update that could. Anyway, go check out those videos of Oliver!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
On my way out, how strange how you're not with me...
Well, he's right, I did feel it slip away.
He meaning Matthew Good; the words are from Tripoli and there's a fantastic live acoustic version here that I've been listening to.
It suits my mood. I'm not even going to talk about the previous post because things are still undecided and (^) I'm waiting for more information to make said decision and nothing is cooperating. I need to avoid thinking too much about it.
What I want to address is totally different. It's about disappointment. Today was an ending point for something and all parties involved knew it was coming so it was no surprise. Emotionally, it was difficult for me and has been over the past few days leading up to it; just the anticipation I think. Let's just say that I made my thoughts on the matter known and the other party just dropped that ball. Ouch. This was significant. I know it was to them, too because they've said as much in the past but when it came down to the wire, when it really counted, they froze. Nothing but a general off-handed comment while looking down at their shoes.
So here I sit, feeling so let down. I didn't expect anything in particular, just acknowledgement, hell, even by Hallmark you can't find your own words. But nothing. It was like a punch in the gut. I was already too worn out to cry and too tired to hit something. So I sat there, numb, surprised and amazed at the outcome in general. Which was, for anyone that missed it, nothing. A relationship that has been in place for almost a year was punctuated with an awkward silence. I just feel weird and really don't get it. From several angles, disappointment reigns at Chez LiVEwiRe.
(^) When you saw that symbol, I just happened to get a phone call from this person thanking me for the wonderful letter I wrote them. I sort of played it off but then when I saw an opportunity a few minutes later, I made it known that I was aware that they didn't even have it in them to write down a few words on a post-it note, speak to me directly about it, or even acknowledge it in any more than a half-assed way going out the door. As disappointed as I was, believe it or not, I was not accusatory in tone. It was more lighthearted although that's far what I'm feeling, I just didn't want to be hurtful to them because I was feeling hurt. And so we continued talking, about several things. For 36+ minutes according to my cell phone. WTF?!
Look, this person is very important to me. And whether they can verbalize it at the moment or not, I know it's reciprocal. Which is why I'm so confused and let down by their behavior - or lack thereof. Sometimes I just hate humans. We suck.
I'm disabling comments on this one. Between this and the last post topic, I'm seriously tapped out emotionally. I feel like Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping when she tells Bill Pullman "If you come back on Easter, you can burn down my apartment." It's not that I don't care what anyone has to say, I just need to turn around and close the door for a while. I'll be busy with my last week of work here, packing, and tying up loose ends. That'll either distract me or set off another phase, hard to tell.
Back in a few days, until then, it's Tropoli for me. Where has my head gone, indeed...
He meaning Matthew Good; the words are from Tripoli and there's a fantastic live acoustic version here that I've been listening to.
It suits my mood. I'm not even going to talk about the previous post because things are still undecided and (^) I'm waiting for more information to make said decision and nothing is cooperating. I need to avoid thinking too much about it.
What I want to address is totally different. It's about disappointment. Today was an ending point for something and all parties involved knew it was coming so it was no surprise. Emotionally, it was difficult for me and has been over the past few days leading up to it; just the anticipation I think. Let's just say that I made my thoughts on the matter known and the other party just dropped that ball. Ouch. This was significant. I know it was to them, too because they've said as much in the past but when it came down to the wire, when it really counted, they froze. Nothing but a general off-handed comment while looking down at their shoes.
So here I sit, feeling so let down. I didn't expect anything in particular, just acknowledgement, hell, even by Hallmark you can't find your own words. But nothing. It was like a punch in the gut. I was already too worn out to cry and too tired to hit something. So I sat there, numb, surprised and amazed at the outcome in general. Which was, for anyone that missed it, nothing. A relationship that has been in place for almost a year was punctuated with an awkward silence. I just feel weird and really don't get it. From several angles, disappointment reigns at Chez LiVEwiRe.
(^) When you saw that symbol, I just happened to get a phone call from this person thanking me for the wonderful letter I wrote them. I sort of played it off but then when I saw an opportunity a few minutes later, I made it known that I was aware that they didn't even have it in them to write down a few words on a post-it note, speak to me directly about it, or even acknowledge it in any more than a half-assed way going out the door. As disappointed as I was, believe it or not, I was not accusatory in tone. It was more lighthearted although that's far what I'm feeling, I just didn't want to be hurtful to them because I was feeling hurt. And so we continued talking, about several things. For 36+ minutes according to my cell phone. WTF?!
Look, this person is very important to me. And whether they can verbalize it at the moment or not, I know it's reciprocal. Which is why I'm so confused and let down by their behavior - or lack thereof. Sometimes I just hate humans. We suck.
I'm disabling comments on this one. Between this and the last post topic, I'm seriously tapped out emotionally. I feel like Sandra Bullock in While You Were Sleeping when she tells Bill Pullman "If you come back on Easter, you can burn down my apartment." It's not that I don't care what anyone has to say, I just need to turn around and close the door for a while. I'll be busy with my last week of work here, packing, and tying up loose ends. That'll either distract me or set off another phase, hard to tell.
Back in a few days, until then, it's Tropoli for me. Where has my head gone, indeed...
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Where did the fucking rug go?!
An hour ago, the rug was firmly in place under my feet. One phone call later and it's gone. I can't even see it anymore. Or maybe I can't see it because my eyes are red, puffy, and brimming with tears; hard to say.
This is why I don't let myself get excited over things. The moment I do, it seems to trigger a crumbling process. I'm being backed into a corner. I have to make a choice that I don't want to make. Furthermore, I don't know how to choose. Nonetheless, I have to do it quickly.
I didn't see this coming. I've been blindsided by my own hope. Did I mention I don't do well with change? Or shock and disappointment?
Watching your efforts circle the drain is not a good way to start the day. What foolish part of me tricked my brain into believing I could have something I wanted? When I locate that part, I'm going to stomp it to bits because this really sucks.
This is why I don't let myself get excited over things. The moment I do, it seems to trigger a crumbling process. I'm being backed into a corner. I have to make a choice that I don't want to make. Furthermore, I don't know how to choose. Nonetheless, I have to do it quickly.
I didn't see this coming. I've been blindsided by my own hope. Did I mention I don't do well with change? Or shock and disappointment?
Watching your efforts circle the drain is not a good way to start the day. What foolish part of me tricked my brain into believing I could have something I wanted? When I locate that part, I'm going to stomp it to bits because this really sucks.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Can you hear me now?!?!
I find this funny. No really, I do.
As you may recall, the house I live in (well, for another two weeks) burned badly two years ago. When repairs were done, everything had to be up to city code. My landlords (smart people that they are) really went all out and got heavy fire doors and a smoke/fire alarm system that would frustrate any pyromaniac or arsonist-in-the-making. The smoke/fire alarm system has two detectors in my apartment, one in the lower hall, one in the upper hall and two or three in the apartment above me. When one goes off, it's set to trigger the other ones so that if a fire would start in one apartment and that tenant wouldn't be home, the tenant in the other apartment would have ample time to get out before flames were lapping at their toes. Pretty nifty system.
Or so I thought. The things started going off at unpredictable intervals last night. It escalated throughout the day until the landlord came over and yanked a couple of wires temporarily. He's an electrician. He knows what he is doing. Or not. I came home from work around one in the morning and I could hear these mechanical bastards squealing out in the street! It's now almost three in the morning and every once in a while they pipe up again anywhere from five seconds to about a minute in duration. I'm quite sure there will be many a confused corpse in nearby cemeteries waking up if this continues. Surely this sound is at least 60 decibels beyond that of Paris Hilton getting booed off stage.
I am moving soon. In addition to working, I have at least 600 phone calls to make (not easy to do with banshee-like squealing in the background) and half as many appointments to keep within the next two weeks. There is packing to be done and cleaning to accomplished. A little rest is all I really want at this moment. Instead, I'll most likely be ordering a Miracle-Ear from some early morning infomercial.
No really, the timing is funny. The pain in my ears, not so much. Moral of the story: never believe a landlord with a beer in one hand who is yanking wires with the other telling you the problem is fixed.
As you may recall, the house I live in (well, for another two weeks) burned badly two years ago. When repairs were done, everything had to be up to city code. My landlords (smart people that they are) really went all out and got heavy fire doors and a smoke/fire alarm system that would frustrate any pyromaniac or arsonist-in-the-making. The smoke/fire alarm system has two detectors in my apartment, one in the lower hall, one in the upper hall and two or three in the apartment above me. When one goes off, it's set to trigger the other ones so that if a fire would start in one apartment and that tenant wouldn't be home, the tenant in the other apartment would have ample time to get out before flames were lapping at their toes. Pretty nifty system.
Or so I thought. The things started going off at unpredictable intervals last night. It escalated throughout the day until the landlord came over and yanked a couple of wires temporarily. He's an electrician. He knows what he is doing. Or not. I came home from work around one in the morning and I could hear these mechanical bastards squealing out in the street! It's now almost three in the morning and every once in a while they pipe up again anywhere from five seconds to about a minute in duration. I'm quite sure there will be many a confused corpse in nearby cemeteries waking up if this continues. Surely this sound is at least 60 decibels beyond that of Paris Hilton getting booed off stage.
I am moving soon. In addition to working, I have at least 600 phone calls to make (not easy to do with banshee-like squealing in the background) and half as many appointments to keep within the next two weeks. There is packing to be done and cleaning to accomplished. A little rest is all I really want at this moment. Instead, I'll most likely be ordering a Miracle-Ear from some early morning infomercial.
No really, the timing is funny. The pain in my ears, not so much. Moral of the story: never believe a landlord with a beer in one hand who is yanking wires with the other telling you the problem is fixed.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of Tums
Based on my last post, you may know where this is going...
Yes, I have officially begun the 'freaking out process'. It would be an understatement to say that I do not do well with change. Wait, that's not entirely true; there are moments when I sail through things and even surprise myself. This just isn't one of those times.
Even though this process has begun and it's all normal and easily explained, it still sucks. Plain and simple. Of course I'm nervous about the major changes ahead, but I will cope; I'm too stubborn not to. The problem at this point in time is that I've begun the mourning process. Mourning what could have been, what was supposed to have been. I may be excelling at this because today I went to drop off my perscriptions and burst into tears realizing that it would be the last time I did that here. Now, as we all know, my perscriptions are very important but that scenario doesn't quite warrant sobbing.
I'm realizing that the next couple of weeks will hold alot of 'lasts' for me. My move here was supposed to be a new beginning and a short nine months later I find myself closing up shop. Part of me feels like I failed. Logically, I know I haven't, but we're talking about emotions and feelings here. This is the general area where I was raised as a young girl then came back to go to college the first time. I have always felt like this was my home. It still is, I guess, but there's a part of me that feels like I must be lacking something major to not be able to make it here - in my hometown.
Geography doesn't have much to do with it, but knowing how much I wanted this to work out leaves me feeling disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad - you name it. Some of it is directed at myself, the rest is circumstantial as far as I'm concerned. I'm making the move back to Ohio for a better opportunity. Which is precisely why I moved here in the first place. See the connection? Part of me fears that the same thing could happen. And you know what? It could. That's just life. But again, that's the logical thinking part of my brain. And it doesn't appear to be winning the battle at this point.
The rest of my brain is getting scarily emotional. It's hard to focus on one new beginning when all you see are ends and 'last times' and goodbyes. Pretty crappy ratio if you ask me.
I took a break from packing last night and watched Benny & Joon. A pleasant distraction and proof that I can still laugh. I mean appropriately, not like, at lawn chairs or the letter 'M' or something. Today I think I'll just sit here and chain smoke until I make myself sick. I really can't think of much else to do. My brain is full.
I can hardly wait until PMS hits midway through this. That should make things really interesting.
Yes, I have officially begun the 'freaking out process'. It would be an understatement to say that I do not do well with change. Wait, that's not entirely true; there are moments when I sail through things and even surprise myself. This just isn't one of those times.
Even though this process has begun and it's all normal and easily explained, it still sucks. Plain and simple. Of course I'm nervous about the major changes ahead, but I will cope; I'm too stubborn not to. The problem at this point in time is that I've begun the mourning process. Mourning what could have been, what was supposed to have been. I may be excelling at this because today I went to drop off my perscriptions and burst into tears realizing that it would be the last time I did that here. Now, as we all know, my perscriptions are very important but that scenario doesn't quite warrant sobbing.
I'm realizing that the next couple of weeks will hold alot of 'lasts' for me. My move here was supposed to be a new beginning and a short nine months later I find myself closing up shop. Part of me feels like I failed. Logically, I know I haven't, but we're talking about emotions and feelings here. This is the general area where I was raised as a young girl then came back to go to college the first time. I have always felt like this was my home. It still is, I guess, but there's a part of me that feels like I must be lacking something major to not be able to make it here - in my hometown.
Geography doesn't have much to do with it, but knowing how much I wanted this to work out leaves me feeling disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad - you name it. Some of it is directed at myself, the rest is circumstantial as far as I'm concerned. I'm making the move back to Ohio for a better opportunity. Which is precisely why I moved here in the first place. See the connection? Part of me fears that the same thing could happen. And you know what? It could. That's just life. But again, that's the logical thinking part of my brain. And it doesn't appear to be winning the battle at this point.
The rest of my brain is getting scarily emotional. It's hard to focus on one new beginning when all you see are ends and 'last times' and goodbyes. Pretty crappy ratio if you ask me.
I took a break from packing last night and watched Benny & Joon. A pleasant distraction and proof that I can still laugh. I mean appropriately, not like, at lawn chairs or the letter 'M' or something. Today I think I'll just sit here and chain smoke until I make myself sick. I really can't think of much else to do. My brain is full.
I can hardly wait until PMS hits midway through this. That should make things really interesting.
Friday, September 22, 2006
So, I can finally spill it...
Drumroll please...
HU&W situations 1 and 2 are now under control. Well, actually, the ride is just beginning. Here's the scoop in a nutshell.
I'm moving back to Ohio. I've been offered a job with the hospital I turned down three months ago. In addition to that, and more importantly, I will have a second job. I had no hand in finding this job, they emailed me and asked me if I'd be interested in applying. Within a month, I will be the new Instructor for the evening Pharmacy Technician program at a branch of the school I attended a few years back. I'm really excited about that!
As it stands, I'll be working about 56-60 hours a week so it's going to be difficult; I'm not fooling myself. I've had an interest in teaching adults for years now and the opportunity literally fell in my lap, as they say. How could I pass it up?
Both opportunities presented themselves within just days of each other. I've been doing alot of hard thinking but the offer from the school became official today. I composed my resignation letter for my current employer and left for work a bit early to take care of that. Even though I'm excited, it's still a change and therefore my nerves had my hands shaking like I had six double espressos for lunch. After all that, my boss had the nerve to leave early today... so she never got it. Well, at least I know what she'll be reading first thing in the morning.
Ok then. It's been posted on my blog. In my mind, that makes it official. =) Hey, come to think of it, other than my mother, you guys are the first to know - even before my employer or the rest of my family! Oh how I love thee, my little bloglings!
HU&W situations 1 and 2 are now under control. Well, actually, the ride is just beginning. Here's the scoop in a nutshell.
I'm moving back to Ohio. I've been offered a job with the hospital I turned down three months ago. In addition to that, and more importantly, I will have a second job. I had no hand in finding this job, they emailed me and asked me if I'd be interested in applying. Within a month, I will be the new Instructor for the evening Pharmacy Technician program at a branch of the school I attended a few years back. I'm really excited about that!
As it stands, I'll be working about 56-60 hours a week so it's going to be difficult; I'm not fooling myself. I've had an interest in teaching adults for years now and the opportunity literally fell in my lap, as they say. How could I pass it up?
Both opportunities presented themselves within just days of each other. I've been doing alot of hard thinking but the offer from the school became official today. I composed my resignation letter for my current employer and left for work a bit early to take care of that. Even though I'm excited, it's still a change and therefore my nerves had my hands shaking like I had six double espressos for lunch. After all that, my boss had the nerve to leave early today... so she never got it. Well, at least I know what she'll be reading first thing in the morning.
Ok then. It's been posted on my blog. In my mind, that makes it official. =) Hey, come to think of it, other than my mother, you guys are the first to know - even before my employer or the rest of my family! Oh how I love thee, my little bloglings!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Unexpected pleasantries
You know how we all have our things to deal with; some include jobs, kids, families, illnesses, financial concerns and those general crummy days that seem to weigh you down? Of course you do, we all have them. Then you also know how every once in a while there's a little gem that shines and you feel like it's just for you, no matter how small. It makes you feel special, like you were part of a sweet, singular moment in time that, for an instant, made everything else drop away.
As I left work and pulled out of the parking lot tonight, there were five deer nibbling on grass at the gate; two adults, three much younger although none young enough to still have spots. The closest was at a distance of 12 feet with the others being no more than one or two 'deerlengths' beyond. My window was down and I gasped out of sheer surprise. Deer are not what I expected to see on the South Side amid all that congestion even though there are some trees nearby. I thought my lights and general presence would frighten them off but they were so calm. They looked at me with as much interest as I did them. One of the adults tried to walk in front of my car, toward the traffic and I moved my car forward a couple of feet with hopes of deterring him. Instead of running, he studied me. Really studied me. He took a few more steps and I moved my car up again. He turned to face me and eventually sauntered back over toward the others. I figure he was wondering what in the hell I was doing. I'm sure it was his turf and I must've appeared pretty nervy but if he would have gone much further, the outcome may not have been pretty. I had the chance to sit and watch them, and yes, I talked to them. I can't help it. I talk to all the animals I see. Silly as it may sound to some, that was really special for me. Deer aren't the most relaxed of animals and for them to be aware of my presence and still go about their business (while I was so close) is exceptionally cool. Me, I love animals. Probably more than people for the most part. For all of an estimated two minutes they were the only thing on my mind. They were my little gems. Everyone needs that now and then, no matter what form it comes in.
Of course, now that I think about it, they have a camera in the parking lot. It will most likely look like I'm talking to the security gate arm and erratically pulling my car further up. I'll appear certifiable! Heh. Cool.
As I left work and pulled out of the parking lot tonight, there were five deer nibbling on grass at the gate; two adults, three much younger although none young enough to still have spots. The closest was at a distance of 12 feet with the others being no more than one or two 'deerlengths' beyond. My window was down and I gasped out of sheer surprise. Deer are not what I expected to see on the South Side amid all that congestion even though there are some trees nearby. I thought my lights and general presence would frighten them off but they were so calm. They looked at me with as much interest as I did them. One of the adults tried to walk in front of my car, toward the traffic and I moved my car forward a couple of feet with hopes of deterring him. Instead of running, he studied me. Really studied me. He took a few more steps and I moved my car up again. He turned to face me and eventually sauntered back over toward the others. I figure he was wondering what in the hell I was doing. I'm sure it was his turf and I must've appeared pretty nervy but if he would have gone much further, the outcome may not have been pretty. I had the chance to sit and watch them, and yes, I talked to them. I can't help it. I talk to all the animals I see. Silly as it may sound to some, that was really special for me. Deer aren't the most relaxed of animals and for them to be aware of my presence and still go about their business (while I was so close) is exceptionally cool. Me, I love animals. Probably more than people for the most part. For all of an estimated two minutes they were the only thing on my mind. They were my little gems. Everyone needs that now and then, no matter what form it comes in.
Of course, now that I think about it, they have a camera in the parking lot. It will most likely look like I'm talking to the security gate arm and erratically pulling my car further up. I'll appear certifiable! Heh. Cool.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Confliction
That's not a word, is it? But it should be. In my mental dictionary it shall now officially be a word, basically used as, "I am feeling confliction over (enter circumstance here)." I like that better than other alternatives; it seems to show more action and participation in the conflict process.
So, why the confliction, you ask? Or maybe you haven't asked but I'm going to tell you anyway - feel free to click to the next blog if you don't want one of my vague explanations. The confliction comes from the fact that I'm one step closer to Hurry Up & Wait situation #2 playing out. I've actively participated. Still nothing on HU&W situation #1 but hey, why should I think the timing would be, well, well timed?
Now I'm, what, one step closer to... waiting some more? Problem is, if given the time to wait and actually (gasp) think too much, I become my own worst enemy. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? I can just about talk myself into or out of anything given the proper amount of time. Things are still up in the air; hence, the confliction. Honestly, it'll probably get worse once both of those situations come in for a landing.
I desperately need sleep as I'm already exhausted from the day but instead, I'm off to work. How lucky can one girl get?!
So, why the confliction, you ask? Or maybe you haven't asked but I'm going to tell you anyway - feel free to click to the next blog if you don't want one of my vague explanations. The confliction comes from the fact that I'm one step closer to Hurry Up & Wait situation #2 playing out. I've actively participated. Still nothing on HU&W situation #1 but hey, why should I think the timing would be, well, well timed?
Now I'm, what, one step closer to... waiting some more? Problem is, if given the time to wait and actually (gasp) think too much, I become my own worst enemy. Do I or don't I? Should I or shouldn't I? I can just about talk myself into or out of anything given the proper amount of time. Things are still up in the air; hence, the confliction. Honestly, it'll probably get worse once both of those situations come in for a landing.
I desperately need sleep as I'm already exhausted from the day but instead, I'm off to work. How lucky can one girl get?!
Saturday, September 16, 2006
What time is it boys and girls???
Why, it's PUKE-TIME!!!
It's been quite some time since I've been witness to the sounds of the expulsion of so many people's stomach contents. Oh yes, today I got to relive my bar days, but from a sober (and much more disgusted) standpoint.
On my way out of work shortly after 1am, I turned the corner to exit through the emergency room and was hit square in the face with the smell of, well, let's just say it wasn't normal. Something akin to the sink drain in a bar at the end of the night might come close. It was coming from a hunched over, moaning young man that was barely conscious. Just as I exited I heard his friend yell "Hey, we're gonna need a...". I know what they needed but unless an emesis basin magically grew out of his ear, I'm guessing the next call was to housekeeping.
Half a mile down the road while stopped at a red light, I see a group of people leaving a bar sort of propping up their friend who had at that time lost the cooperation of most of her limbs. Just as my light changed to green I witnessed the unfortunate and utterly unprovoked soiling of a small, unsuspecting vehicle. While her limbs may not have been cooperative, her stomach clearly decided to quiet her mumbling in a somewhat forceful, projectile nature complete with sounds that I recall hearing in The Exorcist. She had to be at least five feet away and that poor car never saw it coming.
Within another mile or so I saw a guy bent over in the bushes and, now I thought this was rather amusing, a girl crossing the street slows for a second, bends over slightly and effectively spews the most recent $40 she spent at the bar right on her shoes. Not missing a beat she straightens up and just keeps walking as if nothing ever happened. Most likely on her way to the next bar.
Not to point the finger here, as I've got plenty of stories of my own, but I'm just amused that they all united and put on a little show for me tonight. It was like Puke-Fest 2006. Blech. Wow. The person who owns that car is going to be really pissed off when they sober up.
(Oddly, I may be adding to the Ralphing Roster... my neighbors just decided it was a suitable time to have sex. Right above my head. I was gone until almost 2am yet they waited for me to come home, how kind. Sadly, it only lasted about a minute and a half, maximum. That's the part that turns my stomach.)
It's been quite some time since I've been witness to the sounds of the expulsion of so many people's stomach contents. Oh yes, today I got to relive my bar days, but from a sober (and much more disgusted) standpoint.
On my way out of work shortly after 1am, I turned the corner to exit through the emergency room and was hit square in the face with the smell of, well, let's just say it wasn't normal. Something akin to the sink drain in a bar at the end of the night might come close. It was coming from a hunched over, moaning young man that was barely conscious. Just as I exited I heard his friend yell "Hey, we're gonna need a...". I know what they needed but unless an emesis basin magically grew out of his ear, I'm guessing the next call was to housekeeping.
Half a mile down the road while stopped at a red light, I see a group of people leaving a bar sort of propping up their friend who had at that time lost the cooperation of most of her limbs. Just as my light changed to green I witnessed the unfortunate and utterly unprovoked soiling of a small, unsuspecting vehicle. While her limbs may not have been cooperative, her stomach clearly decided to quiet her mumbling in a somewhat forceful, projectile nature complete with sounds that I recall hearing in The Exorcist. She had to be at least five feet away and that poor car never saw it coming.
Within another mile or so I saw a guy bent over in the bushes and, now I thought this was rather amusing, a girl crossing the street slows for a second, bends over slightly and effectively spews the most recent $40 she spent at the bar right on her shoes. Not missing a beat she straightens up and just keeps walking as if nothing ever happened. Most likely on her way to the next bar.
Not to point the finger here, as I've got plenty of stories of my own, but I'm just amused that they all united and put on a little show for me tonight. It was like Puke-Fest 2006. Blech. Wow. The person who owns that car is going to be really pissed off when they sober up.
(Oddly, I may be adding to the Ralphing Roster... my neighbors just decided it was a suitable time to have sex. Right above my head. I was gone until almost 2am yet they waited for me to come home, how kind. Sadly, it only lasted about a minute and a half, maximum. That's the part that turns my stomach.)
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Go ahead, be gone with it
It's been a bit strange lately. Not bad, just strange. You may wonder how I can tell this particular strange from any other that I experience. Ok, let's put it this way. I spent two hours at work tonight with the distinct smell of a freshly unwrapped roll of toilet paper stuck somewhere in my nose (the smell, not the toilet paper). But that's not the worst of it. And I have a really hard time admitting this, but... I like a Justin Timberlake song*. I'm tellin' ya' - something fishy is going on around here!!!
I'm about to spontaneously combust, too. That's another thing. Well, most likely I really won't, but I feel like it. A couple of posts ago I mentioned some 'Hurry Up & Wait' scenario which should make it's full potential known by week's end. But wait, there's more (in corny infomercial announcer voice)... there is now a second HU&W situation. Either in direct correlation or conflict, I'm not sure which, with the first one! Oh well, it should all play out soon enough then I can talk about it instead of being vague. I'm refraining from discussing it because then I'll get all worked up and really spontaneously combust. I don't want to do that; too messy. Plus, who would feed my cat?
*Erm, it's the sixth/seventh one down... I can't help it, it's pretty freakin' hot!!! I can't believe I like a JT song, what is this world coming to? It's madness I tell you. Madness!!!
I'm about to spontaneously combust, too. That's another thing. Well, most likely I really won't, but I feel like it. A couple of posts ago I mentioned some 'Hurry Up & Wait' scenario which should make it's full potential known by week's end. But wait, there's more (in corny infomercial announcer voice)... there is now a second HU&W situation. Either in direct correlation or conflict, I'm not sure which, with the first one! Oh well, it should all play out soon enough then I can talk about it instead of being vague. I'm refraining from discussing it because then I'll get all worked up and really spontaneously combust. I don't want to do that; too messy. Plus, who would feed my cat?
*Erm, it's the sixth/seventh one down... I can't help it, it's pretty freakin' hot!!! I can't believe I like a JT song, what is this world coming to? It's madness I tell you. Madness!!!
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Clear as mud
So I'm in bed this morning, crying of course, and a most peculiar thought came to me...
In an attempt to escape my past, I focus on the future with such ferocity that I am literally trampling the present to pieces.
Official then, isn't it? I no longer know how to live in the present. I'm either trying to outrun the wrongs of days gone by or fighting tooth and nail to make sure I have a brighter future. Thing is, 'the future' is questionable. Yesterday's future is today. It's like that sign that hangs in so many bars; Free Beer Tomorrow. And when you get there the following day, the sign still says the same thing. It's never tomorrow. It's always today. And damn if I haven't forgotten how to focus on today. How odd is it that I can live in the past if I choose (I choose not to), spend every ounce of energy seeking a better future (which, as we've determined, never really comes) yet I go through the motions daily and seem to be at a standstill? How can I live every day, yet not? What am I not getting out of it that I feel I should be? Shouldn't there be some sort of schematic or diagram for this?
All things considered, I'm not in a bad mood*. The last few days (days? hell, years, decades...) have been really tough in an emotional sort of way. And no, I don't mean PMS. Women can have emotions that don't revolve around hormones. And I don't think these are revolving around my fickle neurotransmitters, either. It's just that the past few days, I've been seeing some things clearly for the first time in ages, like a veil has been lifted. Some of it is good, some not so good (and we'll leave it at that) but the thing that startles me above all else, is that I was unaware of most of it even though I'm living it every moment. It's been akin to turning on a light in a dark room. My neurotransmitters are fine, I swear. Maybe my axons are melting or there's a traffic jam in a particular synaptic region.
No, I just think I've been granted a bit of clarity and it's alot to take in. And I have no idea why it chose this moment to descend. I'm uncomfortable with it, to be honest. Grateful in a sense, because I can learn from it but still uncomfortable. And sad. And really fucking edgy.
Given the fact that I could have a small arsenal with me on the top of a very tall building within about 12 minutes, crying in bed isn't so bad now, is it?
*Seriously, I'm taking it in stride for the most part, thinking, reflecting, thinking, pondering hope, thinking, crying, thinking, swearing, thinking, torturing myself with thinking... you get the idea. But not in a bad mood. Contemplative is suitable for my mood but not bad. I find that odd.
In an attempt to escape my past, I focus on the future with such ferocity that I am literally trampling the present to pieces.
Official then, isn't it? I no longer know how to live in the present. I'm either trying to outrun the wrongs of days gone by or fighting tooth and nail to make sure I have a brighter future. Thing is, 'the future' is questionable. Yesterday's future is today. It's like that sign that hangs in so many bars; Free Beer Tomorrow. And when you get there the following day, the sign still says the same thing. It's never tomorrow. It's always today. And damn if I haven't forgotten how to focus on today. How odd is it that I can live in the past if I choose (I choose not to), spend every ounce of energy seeking a better future (which, as we've determined, never really comes) yet I go through the motions daily and seem to be at a standstill? How can I live every day, yet not? What am I not getting out of it that I feel I should be? Shouldn't there be some sort of schematic or diagram for this?
All things considered, I'm not in a bad mood*. The last few days (days? hell, years, decades...) have been really tough in an emotional sort of way. And no, I don't mean PMS. Women can have emotions that don't revolve around hormones. And I don't think these are revolving around my fickle neurotransmitters, either. It's just that the past few days, I've been seeing some things clearly for the first time in ages, like a veil has been lifted. Some of it is good, some not so good (and we'll leave it at that) but the thing that startles me above all else, is that I was unaware of most of it even though I'm living it every moment. It's been akin to turning on a light in a dark room. My neurotransmitters are fine, I swear. Maybe my axons are melting or there's a traffic jam in a particular synaptic region.
No, I just think I've been granted a bit of clarity and it's alot to take in. And I have no idea why it chose this moment to descend. I'm uncomfortable with it, to be honest. Grateful in a sense, because I can learn from it but still uncomfortable. And sad. And really fucking edgy.
Given the fact that I could have a small arsenal with me on the top of a very tall building within about 12 minutes, crying in bed isn't so bad now, is it?
*Seriously, I'm taking it in stride for the most part, thinking, reflecting, thinking, pondering hope, thinking, crying, thinking, swearing, thinking, torturing myself with thinking... you get the idea. But not in a bad mood. Contemplative is suitable for my mood but not bad. I find that odd.
Friday, September 08, 2006
*Mouthbreather
Have you ever been watching TV or a movie and all of a sudden the main character is standing there and they almost slow a bit while everything around them just whizzes past? They sort of just take it all in and observe with a bit of confusion. Well, that's sort of what I feel like right now. Either that or 'Jaye' in the extremely short-lived Wonderfalls series. The main difference between me and that character is that instead of inanimate objects talking to me, I'm the one talking to inanimate objects. Still not sure if that's good, bad, or indifferent.
Without detail, I'm in the midst of one of everyone's favorite games; 'Hurry Up and Wait'. Seeing that the patience housed in me could fit on the head of a pin with room to spare, it's no treat. Things should get a little clearer in that respect within the next week or so. Then they will no doubt become muddy as ever. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bitching (really), merely observing and verbalizing what is going on. If I don't do that, it's like it sneaks up on me and surprises me even when I knew it would be approaching. Even so, you may get a rather frenzied post from me in about a week. Don't panic - I'm sure I'll be doing enough of that for all of us. {Since I'll be in panic mode, please feel free to send along your requests for things you would like me to panic over in your stead. I'd be happy to help.}
Yesterday I spent almost half of my time putting out proverbial fires at work, coming to the rescue of coworkers, and answering a gazillion questions. I heard phrases like, 'Ask LiVEwiRe, she'll know the answer, how to fix it, where to find that, what to do, ad infinitum'. Now, the reason I'm saying this is because often we (ok, I) get irritated with so many interruptions; we've all been there. But in some ways, it is a compliment to know that your coworkers see you as a reliable source. Well, as long as they aren't asking dumb questions out of laziness. It makes you realize that you actually have accomplished something. Just a thought for you to keep in mind when you want to strangle your coworkers... try to think of it as a compliment. If that doesn't work, feel free to strangle them. ;)
Well, in the midst of writing this I got a phone call regarding the 'Hurry Up and Wait' situation. Although I still have to wait, it would seem that things may be taking a somewhat positive turn. Although positive is relative. We'll see.
*Mouthbreather was a 'term of endearment' (not) for another Wonderfalls character. I'm telling you, I really am spending way too much time talking to non-living things!
Without detail, I'm in the midst of one of everyone's favorite games; 'Hurry Up and Wait'. Seeing that the patience housed in me could fit on the head of a pin with room to spare, it's no treat. Things should get a little clearer in that respect within the next week or so. Then they will no doubt become muddy as ever. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not bitching (really), merely observing and verbalizing what is going on. If I don't do that, it's like it sneaks up on me and surprises me even when I knew it would be approaching. Even so, you may get a rather frenzied post from me in about a week. Don't panic - I'm sure I'll be doing enough of that for all of us. {Since I'll be in panic mode, please feel free to send along your requests for things you would like me to panic over in your stead. I'd be happy to help.}
Yesterday I spent almost half of my time putting out proverbial fires at work, coming to the rescue of coworkers, and answering a gazillion questions. I heard phrases like, 'Ask LiVEwiRe, she'll know the answer, how to fix it, where to find that, what to do, ad infinitum'. Now, the reason I'm saying this is because often we (ok, I) get irritated with so many interruptions; we've all been there. But in some ways, it is a compliment to know that your coworkers see you as a reliable source. Well, as long as they aren't asking dumb questions out of laziness. It makes you realize that you actually have accomplished something. Just a thought for you to keep in mind when you want to strangle your coworkers... try to think of it as a compliment. If that doesn't work, feel free to strangle them. ;)
Well, in the midst of writing this I got a phone call regarding the 'Hurry Up and Wait' situation. Although I still have to wait, it would seem that things may be taking a somewhat positive turn. Although positive is relative. We'll see.
*Mouthbreather was a 'term of endearment' (not) for another Wonderfalls character. I'm telling you, I really am spending way too much time talking to non-living things!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
I am the glue (kookookachoo)
Or so I was recently told. In my mind, I've seen myself as a wedge of sorts, but never the glue that holds things together. Huh.
Barring the fact that I didn't get to leave on time (not my fault, for once) and sleep was not much more than an idle daydream, it was a wonderful trip. Spending time with my family was great (if you exclude my 'nephew's' flog-slaying fest) and being back on the lake shore provided such a comfortable feeling. I am not meant to live in a land locked area. Rivers don't count although there are three of them here.
For anyone that spends time near the shore, you know that being on the waters edge is like standing at the edge of the world. It's everything and nothing all at the same time. And I connect to it.
What's the going rate on life vs. love?
What's the going rate on heaven up above?
I feed on the plans that I've made up to now
What's the going rate on accountability?
What's the going rate on you vs. me?
I'm far from the walls and the trust that keep me here
I'm stuck in the mud, it's stuck in my mind
How we're running out of time
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
What's the going rate on making this thing right?
What's the going rate on staying out all night?
It's hard to believe in the things I trust the most
There's so many signs, how many ways
Can I deceive my yesterday
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
Can you be bigger than this?
Can you be stronger than this?
We're counting on you
Everything's waiting on you
Everything's focused on you
To do what you should do
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
{The Going Rate (My Fix) - Thornley}
Barring the fact that I didn't get to leave on time (not my fault, for once) and sleep was not much more than an idle daydream, it was a wonderful trip. Spending time with my family was great (if you exclude my 'nephew's' flog-slaying fest) and being back on the lake shore provided such a comfortable feeling. I am not meant to live in a land locked area. Rivers don't count although there are three of them here.
For anyone that spends time near the shore, you know that being on the waters edge is like standing at the edge of the world. It's everything and nothing all at the same time. And I connect to it.
What's the going rate on life vs. love?
What's the going rate on heaven up above?
I feed on the plans that I've made up to now
What's the going rate on accountability?
What's the going rate on you vs. me?
I'm far from the walls and the trust that keep me here
I'm stuck in the mud, it's stuck in my mind
How we're running out of time
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
What's the going rate on making this thing right?
What's the going rate on staying out all night?
It's hard to believe in the things I trust the most
There's so many signs, how many ways
Can I deceive my yesterday
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
Can you be bigger than this?
Can you be stronger than this?
We're counting on you
Everything's waiting on you
Everything's focused on you
To do what you should do
Bent out of shape but I'm on the up & up
Pulled out my roots, yes I have
Wasted so much on everything but this
It's my fix, it's my fix, it's my fix
{The Going Rate (My Fix) - Thornley}
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Overlook Hotel revisited
All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. All work and no play makes LiVEwiRe a dull girl. And apparently short circuit...
And with that, in a few hours I'm off to Ohio for a few days.
And with that, in a few hours I'm off to Ohio for a few days.
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