So I'm in bed this morning, crying of course, and a most peculiar thought came to me...
In an attempt to escape my past, I focus on the future with such ferocity that I am literally trampling the present to pieces.
Official then, isn't it? I no longer know how to live in the present. I'm either trying to outrun the wrongs of days gone by or fighting tooth and nail to make sure I have a brighter future. Thing is, 'the future' is questionable. Yesterday's future is today. It's like that sign that hangs in so many bars; Free Beer Tomorrow. And when you get there the following day, the sign still says the same thing. It's never tomorrow. It's always today. And damn if I haven't forgotten how to focus on today. How odd is it that I can live in the past if I choose (I choose not to), spend every ounce of energy seeking a better future (which, as we've determined, never really comes) yet I go through the motions daily and seem to be at a standstill? How can I live every day, yet not? What am I not getting out of it that I feel I should be? Shouldn't there be some sort of schematic or diagram for this?
All things considered, I'm not in a bad mood*. The last few days (days? hell, years, decades...) have been really tough in an emotional sort of way. And no, I don't mean PMS. Women can have emotions that don't revolve around hormones. And I don't think these are revolving around my fickle neurotransmitters, either. It's just that the past few days, I've been seeing some things clearly for the first time in ages, like a veil has been lifted. Some of it is good, some not so good (and we'll leave it at that) but the thing that startles me above all else, is that I was unaware of most of it even though I'm living it every moment. It's been akin to turning on a light in a dark room. My neurotransmitters are fine, I swear. Maybe my axons are melting or there's a traffic jam in a particular synaptic region.
No, I just think I've been granted a bit of clarity and it's alot to take in. And I have no idea why it chose this moment to descend. I'm uncomfortable with it, to be honest. Grateful in a sense, because I can learn from it but still uncomfortable. And sad. And really fucking edgy.
Given the fact that I could have a small arsenal with me on the top of a very tall building within about 12 minutes, crying in bed isn't so bad now, is it?
*Seriously, I'm taking it in stride for the most part, thinking, reflecting, thinking, pondering hope, thinking, crying, thinking, swearing, thinking, torturing myself with thinking... you get the idea. But not in a bad mood. Contemplative is suitable for my mood but not bad. I find that odd.
13 comments:
Contemplative is good (to a point). Crying in bed, not so much. Although it can make you feel better to let it all out, just so long as you stop, eventually.
That is an amazing bit of clarity you had there. I was recently told by someone extremely qualified to so, to learn to enjoy the moment. You know, stop and smell the roses, so to speak. Because apparently you (and she) are right: if we spend all our energy focussing on the future, we forget to enjoy the here and now.
What's that saying...? Life is what happens while we're waiting for it to start. Or something like that. Yeah, I put my own little slant on that one.
Confused yet? The upshot is: you're right.
So basically you need to go find a rose garden ;)
I prefer crying in the study, but hey - whatever blows your skirt up, I always say.
Terri - I know just the saying you mean. It's so true, isn't it? It's odd how such a basic principle can just jump down and smack you square in the head, but it did. I should be off to find a rose garden then...
Beelze - Well, I still have plenty of anger, not to worry there. For some reason this must be a concept I need to work on at this particular point in time. Perhaps I'll go outside then and purge myself of this sludge.
Kyknoord - I don't have a study and you are too far away for me to use yours, so bed it is. (And stop looking up my skirt!) ;)
Hey, if you're not doing anything with that arsenal, I certainly could put it to good use. Mind sharing?
Anne - Of course I'll share! There's even some nifty military/police issue boots to go along with it. Let me know what size.
Blogger Unknown - I know the present isn't perfect, or at least I used to know that. It's going to take some work for me to get back into living in the here and now, but now that I'm aware I haven't been, it'll be much easier! Don't they say change is the one thing that remains constant?
Live your life today as if it were your last! Life is too short to dwindle on the past! I really enjoyed reading your post and crying in the bed is just fine - it is good to have a cry now and then!!! Keep strong and all will turn out just fine!
Ah, my dear, tears are okay. But of course we worry about you. And...even well meaning advice can feel pretty--bad, I think, sometimes. You have realized something very interesting indeed..this focus to the past, or to the future.
Sometimes, when I have been having very difficult times, I have tried to focus for a moment just where I was. Only for a moment: let's see, wind blowing, music blasting from a car down the road, my fattest kitty trying to sprawl over the keyboard, windchime gently ringing in that breeze..
Hmmm.
(and yes, if you wondered--bear is still around my cabin. He's having a great time. Probably never thinks much about the future or past...except maybe: there was something tasty here, let's tear the wall over there and find out...)
Crying is good for you. I wish I were able to cry - it's very rare for me to do so.
NMOTB - Hi, thanks for stopping by! You know, I used to remember that life is short and you need to live each day as if it were your last but somewhere along the way I forgot how. I'm working on a refresher course!
Jarvenpa - Tears do have their place. When I realized that about the present, it was really a revelation. It's so simple but often it's the simplest things that go left unnoticed. Just means that it's something I really need to work on and pay attention to. Being in the moment can be hard work. Except for bear! Perhaps he could give me lessons...
Nomad - Some people are criers, others simply aren't. Maybe you have another way to cleanse your emotional tank but just don't realize it.
Annelynn - That's why I consider blogging cheap therapy. Sometimes you stumble upon something someone else wrote and can really identify with it. For me, I feel a little less alone in my head when that happens and often others words can help put a new slant on my own thoughts. Clarity is good, I still wish we had a diagram to go with it. ;)
Annelynn and urself ma'am Livewire:
Ditto. . .besides feelign in the same boat and empathizing, I wish to be in bed to cry!
this post was so spot on. wisdom comes to us at such odd times i feel like everything we need to know is already within our midst...we just need to be very vulnerable to find them out.
i'm very much stuck on the present that sometimes i don't know where i've been and i don't know where i'm going. it's sad, really, and i think a good cry would do me good.
thank you, mademoiselle.
Tigress - Although I don't want you to be sad, sometimes being in bed (or wherever) and crying can be such a cleansing experience. I've done some of my best thinking through tears. All is not lost. ;)
illyria - You know why I think wisdom and things of that nature come to us at odd times? Think back to all the times you wished for things to make sense. Well, they have for a moment, it just seems to be on some sort of cosmic delay. That's why it seems to hit you out of nowhere; that's also where some of the vulnerability comes in. If we could all blend our issues with past, present and future, we'd be doing rather well. Until then, I'll invest in a much bigger bed and we can all have a good cry.
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