Based on my last post, you may know where this is going...
Yes, I have officially begun the 'freaking out process'. It would be an understatement to say that I do not do well with change. Wait, that's not entirely true; there are moments when I sail through things and even surprise myself. This just isn't one of those times.
Even though this process has begun and it's all normal and easily explained, it still sucks. Plain and simple. Of course I'm nervous about the major changes ahead, but I will cope; I'm too stubborn not to. The problem at this point in time is that I've begun the mourning process. Mourning what could have been, what was supposed to have been. I may be excelling at this because today I went to drop off my perscriptions and burst into tears realizing that it would be the last time I did that here. Now, as we all know, my perscriptions are very important but that scenario doesn't quite warrant sobbing.
I'm realizing that the next couple of weeks will hold alot of 'lasts' for me. My move here was supposed to be a new beginning and a short nine months later I find myself closing up shop. Part of me feels like I failed. Logically, I know I haven't, but we're talking about emotions and feelings here. This is the general area where I was raised as a young girl then came back to go to college the first time. I have always felt like this was my home. It still is, I guess, but there's a part of me that feels like I must be lacking something major to not be able to make it here - in my hometown.
Geography doesn't have much to do with it, but knowing how much I wanted this to work out leaves me feeling disappointed, angry, frustrated, sad - you name it. Some of it is directed at myself, the rest is circumstantial as far as I'm concerned. I'm making the move back to Ohio for a better opportunity. Which is precisely why I moved here in the first place. See the connection? Part of me fears that the same thing could happen. And you know what? It could. That's just life. But again, that's the logical thinking part of my brain. And it doesn't appear to be winning the battle at this point.
The rest of my brain is getting scarily emotional. It's hard to focus on one new beginning when all you see are ends and 'last times' and goodbyes. Pretty crappy ratio if you ask me.
I took a break from packing last night and watched Benny & Joon. A pleasant distraction and proof that I can still laugh. I mean appropriately, not like, at lawn chairs or the letter 'M' or something. Today I think I'll just sit here and chain smoke until I make myself sick. I really can't think of much else to do. My brain is full.
I can hardly wait until PMS hits midway through this. That should make things really interesting.
8 comments:
Oh yeah. Change is tough. I've gone shrieking and dragging my feet into all my major and minor life changes (probably why I was in labor for days with my firstborn, come to think of it). And grief is natural--mourning the possibilities, all that. I think it's good you are at least open and aware.
Jarvenpa - DAYS of labor, I'm in shock just reading that. Being aware of these things and knowing that I'm mourning what could have been makes things have a bit more sense. Change is difficult, no matter how good the reasons behind it.
Beelze - Breaking up with my life - that's EXACTLY it! And I know that you know quite a bit about that, too. ;) I never thought of it that way but once I read that, it makes so much sense. The behavior is almost identical. Onward through the fog, as they say.
Whatever you do, do not let your feelings for leaving Pittsburgh poison your new beginning. Everyone is entitled to switch gears and start fresh.
Leave it all behind. Breathe the air of brand new day.
Congrats to U ma'am LiveWire (tempted to write butterfly!).
First of all, something U always wnated to do has come ur way (adult teaching); second u will be closer to the family; third, U are leaving a life of scary-possibly-someone-under-the-stairs and partly crazy people U had to stand at work, for something new and exicitng :D
I know how scary it might be but it is still exicitng, try to focus on the exciting part ;) (in fact I hope I will go through that exciting and scary thing before withign the next year too! so u betetr have a betetr livign of this, so U can help me put togetehr my pieces next year ;) )
Moving is a major life event, and one of the biggest stressors we go through. I won't pretend to know exactly what you're feeling, but you have to grieve what you have known while anticipating a lot of unknowns. But you are a strong person and I really do think that great things are waiting for you in your new home.
Do drop a line if you ever need to talk.
Jason - I'm trying very hard to separate those two things; I appreciate the reminder and the encouragement! A fresh start holds so much promise.
Tigress - There is something very exciting about being given the opportunity to do something you've wanted to try for a long time. So many good things could come of it, although there will always be the memory of Stabby-Man should I start missing Pittsburgh! =) You bet I'll be there when things start changing for you, too.
Jay - Even for those of us that have moved many times, it is still a big stressor, you are so right. I'll get through the grieving because I want to experience what's on the other side. Thanks for the support and the offer. I may take you up on that. ;)
hang in there Live. stressful times, but the prospect of something different or better is great.
Good luck
Other-Duke - It is stressful but this isn't the first time stress and I have had an intimate relationship. We go way back. Thanks for the support; nice to see you!
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