You know how people toss around the word 'coincidence' when it most likely isn't?

Yep, that is where I am. I am finding things out left and right, seeing people I've recently been thinking of yet haven't seen in two years, narrowly making it out of potentially harmful situations and learning that I've been in some of those situations for years now without knowing. It's all coming down at once. I'm becoming suspicious of every little thing I think, do or say. I just want to greet everyone I see with a big Fuck Off! Thing is, I'd feel bad. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Unless I'm in 'mean mode' which is often brought about by dealing with jackasses, in which case - an extra serving of fuck off goes to you! Right now, there is nothing disabling going on. I have a feeling I may be dealing with more in the future, but that will be here soon enough and there is no reason to get into that now. I am trying to structure some things and get some things in order. The chaos around me takes it's toll. I have to get some things back to normal simply because I can't deal with the stress that the chaos brings. These are easy things - cleaning, organizing, etc. It does take alot out of me though because I just don't like being that involved in domestic crap. I can keep it neat, but when I'm in a phase and let shit get out of control, it is bad. And it takes more effort that I even think I have access to to right things. Well, I'm off to send a very blunt email. I'm realizing that I doubt I can be the person a friend of mine is used to surrounding himself with. I need to ask him up front. Honestly folks, although I think I have good qualities, the anger, doubt, bitterness and cynicism and Queen of Gloom and Doom with a side of Mean is primarily what is forefront. I don't make that decision. I start off rather opposite and this is what I become as a response. Thing is, he's made a comment about his ex wife being a very angry person and that he couldn't deal with it. That is not our relationship, but I think he might feel that he can bring me around. Sure, it might happen. But I think I will change when my life changes. Not when someone hands me a self-help book, utters a few cliches and figures I'll be all better. Just an example but you know what I mean. I don't want to continue pretending I'm the well-spoken, decently educated, understanding person that he sees me as. I mean, I am those things but I also swear like I get paid by the word, drip sarcasm, and although I know the pretty, shiny side of life is right here, I tend to be better acquainted with the darker side of it. I just think I need to say it up front. Yes, I'm a control freak - if someone is going to leave, I want it to be on my terms. But he truly has a very special place in my heart and I feel I owe him that honesty. He needs to know that for as sunny as his life is (and I am completely happy for him), my life does not exist in that glow. It may one day, but he has to know this. Kind of like informed consent for a friendship. Since I know how I am, this is no surprise to me - I don't think he really gets it, and it might be a real shock to him. I don't want him to find himself one day thinking that he's stuck with another angry person. Because I do value him as a friend, I have to say it. He's a big boy and I have to trust what he says in his reply. He will be honest as he has no reason not to. And again - he's very comfortable in his life so I don't pose any threat, honesty is kind of a given. Fuck. How do I get myself into this shit. And here's a perfect example, albeit a bit twisted, of how there is a kind, thoughtful person inside this bitchy exterior. I WISH that I didn't give two shits - but I do. Hmm. I wonder if I can have that surgically removed?...