Today at work I spent the better part of 15-20 minutes staring at a scalpel in a bin. I had to get an item from this bin and kept thinking that I could just remove the safety cover, slash the palm side of my fingers or my hand. Of course I'd have the luxury of just letting myself feel what I needed to feel. Allowing myself to bleed the bad from me. I was by myself. If someone walked in and saw me standing there I could have easily said I was in shock. "I didn't even realize it was in there and when I was fishing around for the clamps, I must've run alongside the open edge against the side of the bin. Um, I need to sit down..." I'm such a good liar. But I don't want anyone to know, so I have to be a good liar. I really struggled with that today. I don't consider it a success because I know the elements will line up again. All I can do is try to continue to find reasons NOT to, because let me tell you, I have more than enough reasons to. I've just been overwhelmed lately; unfortunately that is the trigger.
Good song for the day - Live Thru This by Mighty Joe Plum. It is hard to find but I know you can pull it up on MySpace. It's worth a listen and it fits me today.
9 comments:
I've been there. I know the false logic. I know the temptation.
I'm not saying I know everything about your life--of course I don't.
But I am saying I care, and I'm gonna go find Mighty Joe Plum, which given that I'm listening to Bach right now is quite something.
Jarvenpa - FYI - Bach is truly a favorite of mine. I lost a cassette (yes, it was that long ago) and have yet to find it on CD. It was through a music club and whoever recorded those pieces gave it that sweet, desperate, almost mournful/frenzied quality that I am drawn to when it comes to JSB. I blame it partially on the harpsichord. When I was in high school, my friend and I made up all these rhyming composer-sayings like 'Rock with Bach'. At the time we were just passing time in study hall or something - I learned later that Bach truly does rock. Weird. Anyway, the other song I mentioned was a favorite out of the box. That was a long time ago but I think it was the idea of bargaining to get through something. So of course it spoke to me. If you ever want to find it and can't I can find my MySpace page as I have it on the main page in the player. Sometimes curiosity just gets you, ya know? It's no Bach but I think you'll understand about putting yourself in that place to bargain, to get through, if you hear it. Faulty logic is definitely there. I can handle the majority but it is when I get overwhelmed with certain (not all) things that I struggle in this aspect. To me it is so strange to go from being a reletively normal thinking person to having an overwhelming urge to bleed the bad out, literally. My thinking side knows it doesn't work that way but the feeling side is feeling just a bit too much and is looking for the pressure release valve. Why can I just punch doors like other people, or some other goofy thing? ;) Thanks for everything.
Tempted or not, you do get to pat yourself on the back for resisting.
Hell, even ex-smokers get nicotine patches to help them through the cravings (and let me tell you, there are times even those don't help!)
Terri - Good point about the patches! Well, guess this means a lifetime of those cartoon character safety scissors for me? Not such a bad deal. =)
LOL! You could get a medic-alert bracelet that says "No Sharp Objects".
Come to think of it, I should get one too although for me it's purely a clutz thing.
i'm worried about you, babe. please hang in there. i know you'll come out on the other side. xoxo.
Terri - I hear ya on the clutz-factor... perhaps a tattoo on the forehead?! =) You know, we get items in that are labeled 'do not open with sharp objects' - perhaps I can alter that and put it on my ID Badge!
Kate - Truthfully, I sometimes worry me about me too. But I'm stubborn.. ;) All in time, I guess.
so sorry I haven't been here in a while (you'd have sent me away, I was infectious!). Hope things are looking brighter right now.
My bad is alcohol. I can happily crawl into's it's belly and marinate there for days when the going gets rough. You have more will power than me, I suspect.
Take care, GD xx
GD - Infectious? Cooties? Oh no! We could politely ask them to wait at the door, no? I do hope you're feeling better. For a good 6-7 year stretch I drank heavily 4 out of 7 nights and drank 6 out seven moderately. Moderate to me at the time was maybe 6 beers and a couple shots. Heavily was about 18 beers and 6-8 shots. So yeah, I know all about that. That was the only time I didn't have responsibilities (or felt like it) and I took full advantage. So as far as the willpower, uh... not so sure...lol.
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