So all the crap about moving and the reason why - just went through that. Today she says in a forlorn tone, 'if you were to leave I'd have to go into a home; I can't stay by myself anymore.'
Pardon me, but WTF?!?! Two weeks ago you were sure I ate kitten heads as snacks and pissed on Christ's feet.... now you are turning this around?? Like she is on to me and is guilting me into not going???
OMFG!
You cannot, you will not, get a straight answer out of her on this. Not on anything that matters. You have a better chance of me becoming the spokesperson for a petite clothing line. Or president of the local chapter of Pure Living without Swearing club.
I've calmed a little this week - probably because I resigned myself to the fact that I'd be going. That was hard. But here's the thing. I have a mental illness/mood disorder. It fucks with me and with other people, often without my consent. We are in close quarters. We are opposites. This is not a good mix. For the most part the bipolar is controlled but for some reason, I get these random spikes and even I don't see them coming. It isn't fair to her - she's 89! Wrong/right - she's 89! She doesn't deserve me acting like a lunatic. Anything above a slightly raised voice or just disagreeing with her and she accuses you of yelling at her. And that isn't just me, her daughters have noticed that. So she does not understand that this is not directed at her. On the flip side - she does want me around, but she wants the nicer me. I wish I could promise it to her. I would give my own life for her and have always said so. I just can't seem to find anyone to help me get this under control. This doesn't even cover the sheer guilt I feel over the situation. This woman is a huge part of why I am even alive today. But hey - not that I owe her or anything. *sigh*
Funny thing is, no matter what I do, I'll be wrong. I just need a giant slab of concrete to beat my head on for a while. Hard to believe with this type of trait running rampant in my family that I have stability issues, no?
6 comments:
OK so here's my 2 cents' worth.
Whether she's 89 or not, she surely must be aware that you have this mental illness/mood disorder so expecting you to be meek and mild all the time is simply unrealistic. Hell that's an unrealistic expectation of anyone. Either that or I need a second opinion 'cos I have mood swings almost as vicious of yours only I have no diagnoses to point the finger at.
Anyway...
A couple of things:
1. You don't owe her anything. Family is family. We do things for each other out of love. Keeping score is a Very Bad Idea... Rather just say thank-you and let it go.
2. Guilt is a self-inflicted disease. We only feel as guilty as we allow ourselves to feel. When someone lays on a guilt trip, we can choose to take on the guilt, or we can choose NOT to be manipulated - 'cos that's all it is.
Unfortunately 89-year-olds can be tricky. You and me both know she can't have it both ways. If you stay either she can learn to accept you as you are or you can learn to ignore her, uh, lets call them eccentricities. Ideally, both.
Or as you say, you can leave. But I don't think either of you really wants that.
I do understand when you say "it isn't fair to her" but y'know, you have to think about what's fair to you, too. It is what it is.
At 89 she's unlikely to change... but that doesn't mean she should expect you to, either. It's more like perhaps the 2 of you need to reach a compromise; an understanding.
Yoiks, I think I should stop typing now. Sorry 'bout that. It's sort of a compulsion..!
Good luck with this. Sincerely.
xx
Terri - She is aware of it but it is something she chooses to forget about. When she was younger such things were not discussed (or known) and I'm not sure how much she believes it's even true. Guilt is surely self inflicted but let me tell you, she sure knows how to toss out guilt trips. When you are like me, you take the bait (from her, anyway). I know I don't owe her, yet I do. Haha, no, I'm not trying to be difficult. We all got indoctrinated into that mindset at some point. That was learned behavior on one persons part, they figured out how to use it, and the rest of us learned how to adapt - it just seems to continue b/c that is what my family knows. So yeah, it makes it sort of difficult. I know she won't change so there is nothing to debate there. I know I need to take myself and my wants and needs into consideration but I can only do that on a fleeting basis. Character flaw, perhaps. Somehow I truly believe in every cell that I am supposed to be there for her, for my mom. Even if it means the end of living my life like the adult I am supposed to. Do I want to just draw the line and go along my way, sure! Can I? Apparently I've got alot of work to do. I know she will no more 'understand' anything than I will spontaneously begin spouting German. She never had to make decisions herself and therefore never really had to listen and give input and make choices and run the risk of an impasse and have to start all over. She thinks that method is torturous. Seriously. So, you can see where I am here and as it sits, I will be upsetting her one way or the other. She wants me to be the person she knows I've been - I can't promise her anything other than the person I am now, which quite frankly has not been so easy to get along with. Thing is, around her, I try so, so hard to be on best behavior and fail. Used to be able to do it and she really hasn't done anything to make me angry, you know - nothing has changed drastically in that dynamic. That being said, I can't seem to be the person I so reliably was. Not that it's a done deal, but what's upsetting her the most is the person I am now, unreliable in mood, distant, angry. She wants the other me, not this one. Well, that makes two of us. Unfortunately I think my job is pushing me to this behavior on top of the neurochemistry. It's like I know what you are saying but because of my 'training' in guilt, I don't know how to pass it by!!!
And never apologize for a comment; I always hope that I do get feedback that will help me see things in a different or new light. So much zips around in my head (I'm sure you can identify) that it's like a haze and I lose clarity. That's where you come in! =) Thank you - and I'll be rereading your comment again tomorrow to let it sink in a bit more.
Yep, you're right, I can identify. In so many ways. I'm a great target for guilt trips too.
So often when I'm in the throes of typing a comment I think, "why can't I take my own advice..?!"
I've had therapy and I have the self-help books that tell me all this wise stuff and yes, they're all right... but like you I have trouble undoing a lifetime of conditioning. It can be awfully frustrating knowing the answer yet feeling powerless to do anything about it.
I think the problem is that I have reached a point in my life when my 'true' self just won't be denied anymore. It makes me act out - throw tantrums, sink into deep depressions, you name it. I've wondered recently if there is a limit to the amount of repressing and hiding our minds can take, 'cos I suspect I've reached that limit. Now Me wants out. From what you've said, I can't help but wonder if you're in a similar predicament.
I don't have the answers myself, which is why I turn to what the shrinks suggest. Hopefully they know what they're talking about, right..? ;-)
I'm glad you take my burblings in the spirit they are intended. Sometimes I go back & read what I've said and think "gawd, I sound full of myself!"
It's not my intention. I just sometimes get a bit carried away..!
(But do feel free to tell me to back off when I get it wrong. Blunt is good. :-) I'm not so good with the subtle.)
Have a great weekend!
xxxx
Terri- This reminds me that some people do well in the 'powerless' role, wanting to be taken care of and not have to think or act on their own. I think we kind of come out swinging and end up confused when there's no one to swing AT. And it surely sounds like you are spot on about the real you wanting to come out. Considering that you've been caged, as it were, in that respect, you are going to come out (I don't remember where I got this phrase...) meaner than a dog shitting tacks. Eventually you will find a happy medium but sometimes there is a risk of scaring some people away. They only know the you that you've allowed to come through and may never expect that another Terri, the real one, even exists. Ah, don't you hate it when life turns around to bite you in the ass? Both of us have to do what makes us most comfortable but often that is easier said than done. As for shrinks et al, I'm about to fire both facets of my 'mental health team'. This new doc says he thinks I may have these two other disorders (common with bipolar) and says it's the therapist that will decide. So I ask her about it and she's like, 'well that's up to him'. I asked her when they exchange notes or whatever, and she said they DON'T. Please explain how this works, then. Apparenlty I have high expectations - wanting to be diagnosed properly; just who do I think I am...sheesh! ;) Oh well, there is dark humor in there somewhere. Should your comments get out line, I'll let you know. Truthfully, I've always appreciated your insight and enjoyed them in general. Perhaps that is because we are seeming to be suspiciously similar... heehee!
My mother does the guilt trip on me like no other, and your gran sounds rather similar. Like you, I'd never walk away no matter how much it makes me grind my teeth. You're doing remarkably well imho to keep it all together anyway, but I understand the urge to run. That said, having watching my other half lose his parents slowly over the past 5 years, I'm kinda glad the old bag is still around to chew me out which is tempering my responses somewhat.
Mind, I do think you have a right to be properly diagnosed by your doctor, I don't know a huge amount about the US care system, but don't you guys pay for it?! Kick their asses, you are after all paying for their fancy cars and yachts...
Take care, GD
GD - Thank you! It is very hard knowing when to draw the line, especially when one of that parties involved are not honest about thoughts/feelings. I know what you mean; I'd always be glad they were here, even if it's going pooly. The only problem is that if I am 'toxic' to them , I need to go. But then she indicates to stay...GAH! As far as health care goes, yes, we pay for it via premiums and then have additional co-pays, etc. This doc has one more chance with me next week. It all gets laid out and he can do whatever he wants to with it. I need help and he's taking a 'wait and see approach' - which will be a great line of defense when he's called to court as a witness because I got hauled in on assault charges. Unfortunately I've become so good at outwardly being pleasant and pragmatic and it takes alot for me to come blowing into the docs office like the hurricane I am. Hope he's prepared.
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