Loosely reconditioned

So. I think I'm going to take this post in a couple of directions. Some good, some, well, let's just say Hallmark won't be contacting me to write cheery verses for cards anytime soon. I just have a bunch of crap in my head and it's time to let a bit more out.

Let me vent on the weird stuff then I'll get to the good parts, which are relative anyway. Just to have it said, when I say some of these things, there is little emotion attached; enough to know it's me, not enough to make me drive off a cliff. Yet a variation of that crosses my mind frequently. Not really the end result I want, I'm just looking for some sort of pause button. Much of this, I'm supposing, I'm turning inward because I don't really want anyone to actually see that I'm not able to get a grip on things at the moment. This has manifested with some peculiar physical symptoms but I'm not too worried because, well, I know me. If, when things normalize (again, relative) this is still going on, I will see the doc and get all sorts of as yet unknown bizzarro tests to see what's up. I'm feeling so displaced of late, partially because I'm staying with mom temporarily in her one bedroom apartment and partially because this job was most certainly narrowly bumped out of the running for one of Dante's circles of hell. It's not all bad but it sure as hell isn't what it was supposed to be. Can't really look for a place to live unless I know I'm staying at this job. Honestly, I don't know why I haven't walked out yet other than sheer stubbornness and general shock over how things have turned out. Although not all relating to the job, let's not forget the giant cockroaches, looming lawsuits, people not backing financial deals, I'm getting hugely conflicting vibes from some people and frankly, I'm getting a little pissed off. Oh, and let's not forget the holidays are coming. We won't discuss that now. You want to know one of the biggest fucked up things? Ok, usually I'm the Grinch at Christmas, but tonight I saw people had their yards decorated with lights and instantly got pissy and irritated. It occurred to me in that moment that although it irritated me and I knew that wasn't going to be me, I also knew that if I had those things, I'd feel guilty for having them thinking that someone else was more deserving or needed it more. So now, in addition to hating it because I just do, now I feel like I should avoid it because of guilt? That's just fucking weird. Weird, weird, weird. Maybe that's why I've been avoiding most eye contact with others and lying about some basic things. I think I'm afraid someone will catch on to the fact that something isn't quite right with me.

Now that we've determined I'm weird, I did promise a mention of good things. I got an email from a pharmacist I worked with in Pittsburgh that resigned a few weeks after I did. Anyway, she's thrilled with her move and excited to talk to me as soon as our schedules permit. It reminded me that some people didn't believe the crap that was going on there and for a moment, there was relief. Just knowing my family is happy that I'm here is a comforting thing and I realize it in little ways all the time. Even when I'm irrational, they don't all ditch me like I once thought. They still may not 'get' me, but hell, half the time I don't get me either. Tonight I got to work with the odd boy with the fabulous eyes. Well yesterday, too, but I think tonight I spent more time observing him without staring like the stalker I wish I had the energy to be. We had time to talk and be silly, which was very good for me. I want to know more but I'm not sure why, it's like I'm fascinated by him. Anyway, I enjoy the distraction and in these strange days when positive things are at a minimum, it counts for alot. And my best bit of good news is that I had the luck of running into a friend online that I haven't talked to in some time. He's been rather busy and I've been, well, moving, schedule changes, slight psychosis - anyway, although brief, our chat made me realize how much I miss him and how grateful I was for that opportunity. He's a joy to know and has truly helped me through so much since I've known him and even though I feel like I'll always fall short in reciprocating, I'll never stop trying.

Many things in my brain may be twisted (we all carry that gene!) but I do still try to see some positive and draw my own attention to it. If not, the other crap would bog down my brain and make it too easy to forget how to ever see the good things. Speaking of good things, I'll visit you all when I wake up. Now, time for bed.