I've realized that it is apparently my lot in life to be the trouble child. To be the one with bizarre occurances, situations and problems that most people just don't have. Sometimes I find it funny; I mean what are the odds of so many things happening to one person? Other times it really wears at me. Especially when there is nothing, or next to nothing, to balance it out.
The things that used to provide that balance are falling away. Some slowly, some at a pace more rapid than I am comfortable with. Am I pondering this in some sort of introspective silence? Yes. Am I a little depressed? I think so. Am I angry and pissed off? Yeah, you could say that. What do you do with a life that has, after all your efforts, knocked you down and laughed in your face?
These are rough days folks. So many things but they all amount to nothing in the end. My smile is usually fake and my answers are lies. But no one sees through that so I keep going with it. I listen and know where to laugh, so I do. I sense the questions to ask, but I care little about the answers. My interest in things is mostly self serving; if I know how and when to show interest, the conversation and interaction will end and I can be excused - and end the pretending. Instead, I live in this world in my head that doesn't exist; one where real conversations are possible and not every outcome is set there to mock you. If all the world is a stage, I think I may have been cast a fool.
This would be a great time to have a pause button for life. Something went wrong and I need the time and space to trace my steps to see where that happened. I don't think there is an easy fix for this, though. Even if I identify where things took a bad turn most recently, it won't give me the opportunity to undo it, just to learn from it. But I think I need some sort of quick fix, something real and good, something that won't be just a memory in a day or two. I won't stop trying to figure this all out, but it would give me something to help keep my head above water, no matter how small that quick fix may seem. Problem is, I'm beginning to think that I may not deserve it.
On that note, I have to go get ready for work. Here's a great song by Catherine Wheel that I used to absolutely love back in the mid 90s. They never really gave it much air time but they should have. The video is kind of typical for that era (read: concept/blech) but the song is still amazing. Go, check it out, it may remind you of something long forgotten.
One more listen and I'm outta here.
7 comments:
I feel the blues and not the 90s in ur lines. . .
My new boss told me last week:" it's not that peopel don't know U are not feeling good or even OK, but they just don't know how to deal with it and they pretend they don't see that the smile is fake".
Maybe she was right, but I know that when U feel like U are faking the smile, U don't care why they ignore it or pretend not to see it. I know it hurts no matter what.
But we know that our Live wire is make of steel and not simple copper. Keep strong woman :) the best is yet to come.
Sorry, Livewire.
I know you have the strength to endure it.
Tigress - You're right, you don't care if anyone figures it out or not because it won't matter in the end anyway. Sometimes I think I just get so disgusted with things that I begin to shut down and it's in direct opposition to who I really am; therein lies the problem.
Jason - Most likely. I don't see this being the event that does me in for good. In the mean time it's so draining. Is it too late to pick what's behind door number three?
"... I'm beginning to think I may not deserve it." ???!
Selling ourselves a tad short, are we?
Take heart, missy, the best might be a little tardy, but it is yet to come.
Luke - I am guilty of 'dwelling'. I guess I think that if I can just wrap my brain around it I can fix it; therefore, I dwell. Unfortunately, it doesn't always work like we'd planned, right?
Anne - Guess that's sort of what I'm feeling at the moment. Maybe I just feel tired of fighting, ever feel that way? Wondering if I'd know something good if it were to bite me in the ass. We'll see.
A pause button would be great - sounds like what I'm looking for at the moment too. I wish I had words of wisdom or advice for you now; how about... Allow yourself to feel down if that's what you need in order to feel better, and instead of holding it all in your head, let it out here. We're here, listening and caring and you don't need to pretend in blogland.
Terri - Wouldn't a pause button be wonderful? I recall another time when we were both searching for something similar at the same time. I think we'll get through it because we are just too stubborn to have it any other way. ;)
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