No, really. It's just going to be me putting a bunch of vague, psychobabble stuff here to have an account of what is going on in my head and maybe, with a little luck, come back and reread it sometime and learn from it. That being said, let the babbling begin...
How can one person be so conflicted, have a decent grip of right and wrong, sensible and nonsensible, care too much, yet not care at all? My edginess lately has less to do with others and more to do with my state of mind yet somehow I seem to have no problem snapping at others. Perhaps it is easier to do that than to examine my own porous state of mind. There is so much going on in my head but part of me is almost distancing myself from it. Yeah, yeah, it's called self preservation, I know, but identifying a term doesn't necessarily make me more comfortable with it. I should know better and be able to put all these things in their proper place; shoulda, coulda, woulda...blah, blah, blah.
In one respect, I think I know what one of the problems is. And it kills me to admit it. I think I'm having a bout of lonliness. Blech. There. I said it. I talk to my family and a few friends from Ohio, but you know, it's just not the same as having someone near by. Most of my life I've been more than happy to have my own privacy, space, and the option to see and talk to people whenever I saw fit. Now things have changed. It's like that choice has been taken away and I'm feeling it; completely the opposite (yet not dissimilar) to when I had no privacy or time to myself before I moved. It's sad when you strike up conversations with your cell phone carrier and utility company reps because you are obviously craving some sort of human interaction. If I got telemarketing calls, they'd probably hang up on me... Part of me just wants to have someone to be there. Considering that I detest the idea of being dependent on another person, I think I could use just a little of that.
Just like everyone else in the world, I'm sure, I'm trying to find where I fit in the scheme of things. That's difficult to do when you feel like you've temporarily lost your sense of self. I say temporarily because I know this will pass. Hopefully I'll learn something from it, but in the mean time, man, this just plain blows. And the things is, I really don't think this is a manic or depressive episode - it's just simply what I feel. That kind of makes it harder because I see it as more 'real'; not some set of exaggerated thoughts and feelings that will morph back into reality given meds and time. This is reality. That's always harder to cope with. So yes, I'm edgy and depressed, but my guess is because I'm actually facing these things head on knowing that they are what I am truly feeling, not a temporary surge or absence of neurotransmitters in my gray matter. I'm edgy and depressed because I have to face the fact that only I have the answers... and you know what? Funny thing is I'm fresh out of answers.
Another thing I really need to come to terms with is how to make certain thoughts leave my head. They aren't bad thoughts in this case, other than the fact that they are taking up too much time in my head and there will be no culmination of events to solidify these thoughts. No, not bad per se, but somewhat self-torturing. I do have a great deal of common sense (somewhere) and I know that putting energy into these thoughts is not only futile but completely irrelevant and utterly pointless. It's useless. For the one case I have in mind, I know that. I tell myself this and remind myself to be strong. Yeah, it works for a day at best. Somehow I get drawn back into it. Where does my sense go? Is there a hiding place that calls out to my better judgment and offers shelter leaving me looking like a fool, exhausted from emotionally banging my head against a wall? For this situation, I know there will be a day that it crumbles; I just don't know how soon it will be. I'm not taking a defeatist attitude, it's just a simple fact. When it happens, I'll take it hard. But then the release will begin. Part of me wishes that it would happen sooner rather than later because sadly, I can't seem to break free on my own.
Well, I've just read this post over and oddly, I sound somewhat in control with a matter-of-fact tone. Interestingly, I must have a major duality issue because that is not at all what I'm feeling. Just because I can put it into words doesn't mean I have a clue as to how to make myself feel better. They do say that identifying it is half the battle. Great. Then the rest of the battle should be a real treat. Hopefully the carnage will be kept to a minimum.
12 comments:
Kind of a hard post to ignore.
I'll wait until you wave your flag triumphantly at the conclusion of your battle then.
In the meantime, try any "extra-curricular" activities that could take your mind off things: chainsaw juggling, body-part cooking lessons, a learn-to-negotiate-with-yourself-in-a-hostage-crisis seminar...
And don't tell me that with your work schedule, it's hard to manage. I'm not listening.
Anne's comment made me smile. I wish I could be so witty. Your post does make it sound as if you are in control, you are right--but I think we all have some of that duality (esp. those of us who like words--we can use our minds very well even though our souls are all "help! I'm lost here!" at the same time.
I fear sounding condescending--but, yeah, some of the process of living is hard.
especially during the retrograde period of Mercury (see, you can always blame Mercury)
Obsessive thoughts--well, controlling them always seemed to me a version of "don't think about that elephant"--but yes, you can learn strategies and diversions (and chainsaw juggling).
It's more than half the battle. It's the whole battle, minus the signing of the peace treaty.
agreed, like annelynn says. write it all out.
have you tried poetry?
not the formal stuff, but just writing short paragraphs.
it helps me.
good luck.
Just so you know, sometimes people feel lonely even when they have someone close. Er, that's supposed to comfort you, btw, not make you feel worse.
Anyway... that's what we're here for. Listening, that is, not making you feel worse.
I think I should go now {{removes foot from mouth and shuffles off shaking head at self}}
Your most recent post startled me. I hope you're okay. Hugs to you.
hello just dropped in to say i am back stil got some problems. did some catching up on your blog last night. Hope the spider is gone or you will have to send me a plane ticket so that I can come and catch him for you. for your last post I know how you feel I dont know the story but I went through a similiar thing with my granny something happend and my cousin and I had to swear not to say anything and three days after she passed away. I can say what a want but nothing will comfort you its something a person have to deal with yourself the best medicine is to talk it out cry it out. Hang in there. Thinking of you. HUGS ME
On your more current post there doesn't seem to be a way to comment...perhaps no comment is adequate. But I am thinking of you.
Anne - I kind of like the hostage crisis seminar idea. Guessing I'd be both student and teacher, so I'll be able to find the time.
Jarvenpa - You know I'm still going to blame Mercury! And you're right, life can be tough but that's all part of it. No one ever said we had to actually skip gleefully around during every moment. Er, did they?... You know, with my luck (and to my fingers' great delight) I probably couldn't even figure out how to start a chainsaw!
Jason - It's one hell of a battle and I'm eagerly awaiting 'the signing'!
Annelynn - Writing is a huge help at times. I think that duality is a sort of built in safety mechanism. Helpful yet utterly confusing at times, too. Being able to differentiate between mental issues and just life/moods is tricky. The can overlap or exist on their own. One thing I know is that life will never stop throwing curve balls. It's just life and I've come to terms with that. I suppose it's just learning when to duck or otherwise get the hell out of the way, eh?
Kan - Hello there! I used to write poetry like that as well but it seems as if I've put it on the back burner lately, so to speak. Perhaps this is a good time to start again? Thanks for the idea!
Terri - Thank you for the laugh... I enjoyed the fact that you had an entire conversation with yourself there... foot in mouth, no less! (But I know what you meant, and thank you!)
Renee - I'm getting there - thanks. Guess life is just overwhelming at times. Hope things are going better for you!
Whatalotoffun - Glad you're on your way back; this internet stuff has given you such a hard time. I haven't seen the spider since but if I do, I'm sure to call you right away! As for the other thing, it sounds like you can identify with the 'keeping your mouth shut' intensity that accompanies a death. Not easy by any standards. Hoping you found a way to deal with it. One day I'll get there, too.
Jarvenpa - Thank you. At the time I wrote it, I felt like I didn't deserve any sort of comments. I was really, really low. I appreciate your thoughts.
They aren't. In fact, they've gotten worse. *sigh* But thanks for the well wishes.
Renee - My thoughts are with you. You've come too far to have things sputter out now. I have faith in you - it WILL get there!
Renee - My thoughts are with you. You've come too far to have things sputter out now. I have faith in you - it WILL get there!
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