(Title from Muse ~ Apocalypse Now.)
This is a bad moment in time. Very, very bad. Tears are flowing and thoughts are slamming around in my head. Disjointed. Negative. I'd knock down walls if it would help. I'd bleed myself if I thought there was a chance that it might right the wrongs. But those things won't help.
Several days ago a thought came back to me that I hadn't let myself think of for about a year and a half. It's always there, though, lurking. Waiting. Now it's back.
See, last week I caught the end of an old song on the radio that was a favorite of someone close to me. Someone that may still be alive had I done the right thing. But I didn't. At the time, I didn't know the circumstances but it doesn't matter; death is death. Five and a half years later, I still feel responsible. Right or wrong, that's how I feel.
When I broke down over this a year and a half ago, it eventually subsided. I'm ready for the numbness to creep in. Feeling responsible for a death is truly alot to handle. It will be there forever, though. How can you forget something like that?
This is the last time I'll abandon you
and this is
the last time I'll forget you
I wish I could
(Muse ~ Stockholm Syndrome)
