I learned something huge. From my regular therapist, not the new one - no idea what is going on with the new one, if I'll even see her or not. Anyway... this needs to be mentioned then I start moving on.
Remember how I said I had the horrible appointment with Dr. Sadist that just about had me dead in a ditch by my own doing? Well. Well, well, well, WELL, WELL! The psychiatrist apparently used a technique that is commonplace in dealing with BPD patients. The differences in the appropriateness of care lie in several areas. First, BPD was new to me as a diagnosis (although apparently very much a part of me for many years, unbeknownst to me), not something I'd dealt with knowing about for a long time; I was just learning about it. Second, we didn't have that much of an established relationship nor was I holding a gun to his (or anyone's) head so that he felt this tactic was neccessary by means of emergent intervention. Most importantly... I was in a 20 minute 'follow-up' session to discuss meds. He was using a tactic that is meant for an inpatient setting only. When they simply cannot get through to a BPD patient in an inpatient setting, one (approved) method is to try to literally 'break' them. They come at you repeatedly with a continuous stream without letting you say anything or defend yourself. Should you get a word in, they shoot you down and tell you that you are wrong and it's all the disorder. Their goal is to shock you out of the shell that BPD has put you in... and then in an immediate follow up session, they go one on one to see how you feel, calm you, what you thought of, how it applies to your life, did it make you see things differently, etc. IN A MONITORED INPATIENT SETTING.
Although harsh sounding, I can see the validity in the treatment in the proper care setting. Many disorders such as these need the intervention of an impartial party to NOT go along with patient, to show them that not everyone will bend to their disorder. (Not that all patients even realize that is what happens, but people, family/friends, do tend to accommodate, and that can add fuel to the fire. Of course some manipulate flat out.) Anyway. I was no where near that point, nor was I an inpatient with any follow up care. He was wrong for using that technique. Not only was it not warranted, but it was cruel - this is something meant to most often work in just one session. It is harsh. It is meant to break you but there are people there to help you rebuild and make sure you get through it ok. Except in my case. And he seems to forget that I have a river of Bipolar and multiple suicides in my immediate family. Me for one on the bipolar, not so much on the suicide, although he almost made it manifest.
Didn't I say I felt like I'd been taken apart and just left lying about? I've never had that feeling before and now I know that is what it feels like when someone intentionally tries to break you but conveniently forgets to help put the pieces back. I sat in my car on the side of the road sobbing with my phone in my hand, not sure if I should call for help or a hearse. I was ready to kill myself. And don't doubt it - he would have been implicated in a note.
Please do not address this portion, but I cannot even think of celebrating my birthday this weekend. I've told a few select people to make sure if the topic comes up that they recommend I don't get so much as a card. I think I will be getting out of town. See, I'm still struggling with the aftermath and the moment I think about my bday, being a celebration of life, it makes me feel what I felt after that session - that I had no worth and was nothing, never would be, and my entire life a farce. I don't want to hover too close to that because I'm not clear of the damage he caused yet. I no longer cry every day but don't think for a second that I would not succumb to being overwhelmed by having to display birthday gratitude when I'm struggling with pushing his words out of my head. Those words are fresh and the feelings even moreso. It is much like walking a tightrope, I'd imagine. One false move or interference and down I go. Keep away, and I'm holding my own. It pisses me off that I have a milestone bday and friends and family that wanted to do things for me but I can't. And I can't exactly tell them why either! He took that from them as well, not just me.
So that's what I found out. Turns out I was not very far off in my original description. And all this stemming from questioning the meds he prescribed. Seriously, what the fuck? How can you literally go about trying to break a person, knowing what you are doing and leaving them to fend for themself, then go home to your nice little family and not care? I'm angrier now than I was before but only because I know what it is that I am angry at. It is passing and turning into just another part of the wall that encircles the 'distrust' portion of my brain. I'm sure I will see Dr. Sadist in hell. The playing field will be even and let me tell you, game is ON.
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