Right now I'm not sure what to say. I don't want to whine or bitch or scream or, well, yeah - I kind of want to do all of that, but it is utterly pointless. I think that's one reason I'm so pissy.
Let me get the biggest thing off my chest. Facebook is going to be the death of me. No. I mean serious death. I have no idea what posessed me to sign up. I never liked the idea but in order to sort of keep an eye on someone I admired (I joked and called it stalking but it was more of a way to see how someone I admire lives life. It's all in the details, you know? And I need to learn some positive outlooks; I'm stalling out, and that's why I signed up.) So anyway. I am not strong enough to handle Facebook. Keep in mind that I did NOT use my real name - never. Not even with a gun to my head. And I'm not kidding. So 95% of the people on there are just a few family members, and friends, a couple of bloggers that I know will not bring up stuff from here on there, and the few people I sought out. That last part is killing me. And I wish it would hurry up. Maybe I can 'friend' Dr. Kevorkian??
As I'm sure you've caught on, I have difficulty with certain types of change - not all. So here I am being reminded of former lives and times shared, bonds made and chances lost, bad choices and a lack of purpose. It's like I've been put in a blender with it all and it is swirling round and round. Unfortunately, this started when I was in a manic phase. I still have one really big decision to make. I found my half sister on there. I don't know if I should contact her. We did exchange a letter or two years ago; I dropped the ball. She can't be on my FB though b/c of my mother. I might as well go poison her now if that's the case. But if I am to learn anything about that side of my family (think HEALTH!), then she is who I need to speak with. This is too much for me to deal with. If I had the creator of FB here I'd shoot them. Providing I had a gun. Most people may enjoy this but to me, it is life altering and panic inducing. I don't feel and experience things like most people, thankfully for you. I never thought I would be feeling this way because I figured I'd be in control. Which I am. Turns out it doesn't matter.
Work is being tossed ass over teakettle. This is the worst I've seen it in 7 years. Will be going for more testing soon. Seriously, can I 'friend' Dr. K on FB? To make it worse, a couple people have realized that this summer will be my 40th bday and they keep asking me what I want to do. I tell them 'run away'. They laugh and try to get a real answer. I don't think they can handle it if I say 'die'. Things are really fucked eight ways to nowhere right now.
6 comments:
Are you able to send her a message without adding her as a friend on FB?
I know what you mean about not thinking far enough ahead but in the case of things like FB and blogs, I think you'd need a crystal ball to be able to do so.
If it's messing with your head then shut down your profile. Walk away. (ok if you're anything like me haha then you'll wonder if people who were your FB friends will be thinking you simply deleted them as friends or did they figure out you're no longer on FB. Its a conundrum but I'm sure you'll get over it)
BTW I fully understand your answer to the birthday question. Why don't you make something up to keep 'em quiet. Tell them you want to have a party in a hot-air balloon and would they mind organizing it for you?
:-D
Terri - Yeah, I can send her a message without the friend thing. I suppose I just have to decide whether I want to do it or not and if I do, what if she doesn't? I think it'll take a little more thought. As for the FB account, I'm sure it'll be disabled soon enough. Apparently I have to torture myself with it to the fullest extent. I think I really have to face the demons. And by demons, I simply mean dealing with all aspects of my past - even the good stuff. I think that I question where I am in life and see these people and former life situations as something that I ruined, that if I'd lived my life better, I'd still be at a certain job or with a certain person. We both know that isn't true, but I always divert to that thought process - that 'I' messed it up with bad choices when all it was was life moving on. This is going to help me face that and I feel it - that's why I'm so edgy about it. Because once I face that, I will be forced into a new way of thinking and that is always a bit scary. =) Lol, love the bday suggestion! I think I'm going to tell them that I'm going out of the country. In a hot air balloon. With clowns. And spiders...
LOL! Clowns and spiders? Sheesh talk about facing your fears!
I know what you mean about needing to face your demons. I have yet to figure out how to exorcise mine. Meanwhile I just struggle through the days and try to smile as often as I remember. I hope this all works itself out of your system soon enough.
Terri - Yeah, sometimes you just have to face them with both (all eight?) feet planted firmly on your web. Er, the ground. =) For myself, I can say alot of my own demons make up part of who I am, so I don't want to ditch them completely. Reigning them in would be a big help, no?
Ah, like to the point where you control them, not the other way round...? I see where you're going with this.
Terri - Yeah, I'm radical in my thought processes. ;)
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