Granted. I've been a bit off with a few doses of meds, nothing major. Granted. PMS time is here. Even with these things in mind, I've been handling it. Even been in a slightly decent mood lately! Lots going on around me but sort of feeling separate, which is how it should be. The things in my life have been somehow held at bay, which is fine. But today the switched flipped. And do you know what? Because I let myself hope. And that hope rapidly turned into disappointment. Begin the downward spiral.
All of the other things that have been going on in my head became magnified when the disappointment hit. Knowing I do not handle disappointment well, I so very rarely let myself feel hope or excitement or possibility. I temper it as a safety mechanism. See, when that bottom drops out, it all comes back and I get overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed I reach for things I shouldn't. Which is why I'm forcing myself to type; keeps my hands busy.
I doubt I will ever truly 'get over' this. Which I suppose I can live with. Thing is, I need to almost fully stop hoping lest I get disappointed and start eyeing up cutlery. So yeah, most would say that is no way to live - without hopes, dreams, looking forward to things, letting yourself feel excitement - but neither is trying to stall yourself long enough until the feeling passes. I don't want to live in a world where I can only have plastic fast food utensils lest I use the real sort for purposes unintended.
What goes so wrong in anyone's head that hurting yourself actually makes the emotional pain go away? I know most of the answers, but I will also most likely struggle with this the rest of my life. I talk about it occasionally now because it has been such a part of me for so long that I simply can't deny it. You may hit a high level of disappointment and cry. If I get overwhelmed with it I end up cleaning up a mess and coming up with creative stories as to how I 'hurt' myself. Through the years I've already come up with invisible places. That way no one sees or knows. That is how I hid it until I was 31. At that time, which was 8 years ago, I learned that it was actually a 'thing' that had a name and I wasn't the only person that did it. I spoke to my doc and my mom. It was never fully a secret since then. I has been a while - maybe close to 2 years since anything happened. It takes strength to not fall into old patterns especially when the feelings that cause the behavior are still rather active.
None of it is really important anyway. I just am upset because I let myself hope. And of course, it came crashing down and brought other things, that had been minding their own business, along with it. I don't know how I can still be so foolish to allow myself to be in that position. Hoping is too dangerous for me. One day maybe someone can answer my question: How is it possible for one person to be filled with so much pain that they have to cut themselves to release it and let it flow out? It doesn't seem right.
5 comments:
Firstly, I don't self harm. But someone very close to me does. They harm when the hurt inside builds up to a pressure point, and like a guyser, the tectonic plates shift and *swoosh* it comes boiling out.
The fact that you haven't done so for two years is amazing, espcially given some of the searingly honest posts that you've made on here.
Whether you succumbed or not is not any of my business, though whatever course you took I do hope that you are safe and moving towards some sort of resolution for the situation that you've found yourself in.
Hope is an odd thing. You give in to it, and you can almost taste the alternative world, picture it, step into it even. And then it doesn't happen and those picture shattered.
But you've picked those shattered pieces up before. You've been string despite provocation. You can be again.
Stay strong lovely. GD xxx
GC - I have done this in some form or another since I was probably 10/11 or so. It was just as normal as to me as crying if I was sad. But some part of me knew that it was something you had to lie about.
As I got older and into adulthood, I hid it well. Not one person suspected. Lol - not even me, truth be told. I suppose I just considered idiosynchratic behavior. And one day I learned and my life has actually been more of a struggle since, but one I would not trade.
When I was typing this post, I knew it would be huge, but I had to keep going, to keep busy. When I was done I kept busy with other things b/c IF I didn't, I know the overwhelming emotion would win out and I'd be a bloody mess. This time, I won. I did not succumb - but it was so hard.
Now I have the knowledge and the tools. But it is like going against something that needs to be done. I can almost compare it to holding your breath when underwater - not breathing will kill you as well as breathing.
Thank you for your words and thoughts. I know you have had more than your share to handle in life and I also know that often dealing with someone that has this self mutilation issue can be as comfusing as anything. For every 'cutter' there is a different reason. There are times I'm sure you have an 'S' emblazoned on your chest somewhere.
As always, I thank you for your support and understanding where I was in my head writing this. Buying time. I don't like talking about it but there are times when it can't be swept under the rug. That can be disastrous.
Much love. xoxoxo
GD - GC... it's all the same... you know who you are, I just can't type... ;)
Sometimes I feel like I missed out on an important lesson in life - the one that taught other people how to deal with pain, or not feel it.
I can so relate to your reasoning on hope and disappointment because I have learned to live the same way. I figure if good things happen it will be a nice surprise; that's easier than bearing yet another disappointment.
You are a brave woman to voice all these things. I think part of the reason I keep coming back here is that you say the things I cannot yet voice.
I am glad you have found some tools to help you through these hard times. Stick with it... as they say, 'this too shall pass'.
Terri - We really aren't taught those things, are we? We are taught to smile and nod and pretend, and on the inside we are ready to explode. Add in a touch of any sort of 'issues' and sometimes what goes on in any given head is almost incomprehensible. I also believe that our reactions and coping mechanisms are formed in direct correlation with the age at which they occured. That being said, they don't always make 'sense' to anyone, especially adults. I'm glad you can come here and find a connection with these words and what you are not quite ready to commit to writing. Even if things aren't identical, it helps to know that there are others. 'Course the others are pretty nutty (me!)...lol. TTSP is one of my favorite phrases and has probably kept me among the living more times than I care to count. Thanks for your input! xoxo
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