Do the different 'yous' of days gone by ever haunt you? What about the now 'you'?
There are a multitude of things that can directly, or indirectly, affect the person that looks back at you in the mirror. The person that has the last word when you close your eyes at night. The person that fills your head with thoughts, ideas, words, when you first wake.
I used to think, even when things were out of control, that I still had some sort of control over my life. I suppose that was the foolish idealist in me.
Now I'm coming to learn that there are times when you come to a swift realization, kind of like a film being played in fast forward showing your past as well as where you are headed, when you see that your actions often did not have the consequences you desired. That perhaps you have less of a hand in it than you think. Or do you?
For as long as I can recall, I've been leary of promises. I have every right to be. Seven years ago I made a promise to myself. At the time, it was to protect myself; save myself in a way. Little did I know that it might be my own undoing. Isn't it funny... in an attempt to protect and elevate myself I have effectively walled myself off. The protection stalled out and became a holding cell.
It is kind of like falling down into a well and looking up, wondering if and when it will end. And how. And which is worse.
So much for keeping promises.
7 comments:
sure, promises should be made to be kept, BUT there is also a moment when you realize certain promises shouldn't be kept anymore, when you realize that the basis for them doesn't exist anymore. . .or as U said, U r a very different person that the one that made the promise.
Let it go :)U deserve better than walling yourself in a well.
"when you see that your actions often did not have the consequences you desired"
Holy shit....that statement pretty much explains my entire LIFE.
The only promises I try not to make are the ones that include "never." I said I would never join the Army. I said I woud never get married before I was 28. Both were borken alonge with a bunch of others. Only the ones the contained "never."
Promises may be relevent at the time. But if circumstances change, you can let them go. Don't punish yourself for having evolved beyond the promise.
GD xx
Mine wasn't a promise, more of a decision. Just as detrimental in the long run, though. Letting go, yeah that's a good one.
Here's a better one:
Forgive yourself.
Allow yourself to make mistakes and to change your mind.
Oh, and when you say nobody's perfect... that includes you.
And it's OK.
reading your posts always give me something to talk about in therapy.
Tigress - Yes, that makes so much sense on a logical level. For some reason I have never been able to blend the 'thinking' and 'feeling' sides of myself. You're right - circumstances have changed and what worked for that time of my life doesn't work so well now. Perhaps I've made a habit of it?
Stacy - Sometimes we can laugh about it and that does count for something, right? Right! =)
Glenn - Ah yes, the exclusivity clauses such as 'never' and 'always'. Kind of like pissing on the shoes of the gods: it makes it happen, perhaps out of spite. I reword every statement I make like that as if I can undo it in those sorts of circumstances. Besides, who know what we are all really meant to go through anyway.
Terri - Yeah, it was actually more of a combo promise/decision. Still, the long term results really suck. It seems so hard to forgive yourself for losing time, even when it was meant to protect you. I'm taking little teeny steps to reroute my thinking. Some things I can jump right into, but not this one.
KT - Well, I can see how that would happen - you print out the posts and make your therapist promise that if you ever get to my mental stage of the game to take you out back or find you a nice padded room. ;) Actually, I take that as a compliment because I think we can all learn from each other's experiences and thoughts. New thoughts open up new pathways in the brain that you never knew existed.
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