You wreck me baby, yeah you break me in two.
Just a line in a song. Except in the song he's referring to another person. In my case, I'm referring to my own brain. I'm going to tell you briefly how my day went then tell you about my theory. One almost seems like intangible proof of the other although I came up with this theory a while ago. It is not lighthearted; be warned.
I got in an argument today that had me grab my purse, phone, hop in my car and get the fuck out. And I did. And then I realized I had nowhere to go. That is kind of how I play my life, you know? I connect only on the surface but the core is never anchored. I thought about finding a place by the lake and parking my ass there for a couple hours but I couldn't. I had to move; to actively separate myself. It's what I do best. Next thing you know I was on my way to Pittsburgh. First time in a long time. Record high gas prices, already 3:30 in the afternoon and I'm on an almost 6 hour round trip. By the time I started to calm down from the argument, I got to the city and my chest was getting tight. I went up to the Overlook and surveyed the city. Probably should have flung myself off but took a Klonopin instead. I left after five minutes and $70 in gas. I think I went there knowing that it would be bittersweet. It would distract me from the current issue by giving me something else to deal with. It's a bit sick, but it's as if I can't feel better, I want to feel worse...
So about my theory. I though about this a month or two ago and the more I think of it, the more I subscribe to the idea. What 'hell' is, is something that happens in your head. So what if there is some sort of transition that occurs in your brain, your thought processes, your very perception, that makes you suffer. I'm not talking about mental illness, but if you know the true definition of schizophrenia, it might be similar to that; having the logic at times to understand and process, then giving over to fear, threatening perceptions, warped senses and threatening concepts that overtake you. What if THAT is hell? In that case, every person would submit to their own while trying to make sense of it all. This would be a torturous existence indeed if there was nothing you could do. If it skewed every bit of information that you took in so you never knew what was real or what was the haze of your own person hell settling upon you. It makes me think of a fever settling upon you.
Most cultures have their version and vision of hell, and while they may vary, there are some constants, one being that it is a place where you go, either body or spirit. I think I may be challenging that. If hell has such ferocity, why would there be restrictions? Hell would find you.
Perhaps this is why I literally feel torn and always in some sort of battle of the ages in several facets of my life. It is a suffering that is meant for me now. I can't explain why it happens and logically, I would like to consider myself above simply being dramatic. Granted, I can be dramatic but that is usually paired with humor. Or anger. But think of the most intense feelings you've ever had. Witnessing something horrid? Death of someone close to you? Being the victim of a violent crime? Guilt over not saving someone? That is the level that I struggle with more days than not. Even when I'm not in any bipolar phase. Like now. So how is it that one person can be allowed to carry the burden of that level of intensity over routine things and not have a way to control it or to rise above?
As I mentioned, everyone has different beliefs; half the time I don't even know what mine are. But I'd say one thing that we can all agree on is that we're alive, on whatever plane you choose to opt for. I don't think hell wants to wait for us anymore. It's found a way to trickle in and wreak havoc. This is not to say that I think I, or anyone else, is going to hell - this isn't a precursor. This might be as far as it goes. Hell isn't a place, it is a transformation that occurs in your brain. How peculiar that we're all walking around, each possibly in our own living hell.
And no, I'm not drinking.
7 comments:
I visited an ancient northern abbey on Friday afternoon, in the gloom and by myself. I walked down steps built by slave hands in the 11th century. I saw the tombs of christians from the 7th century. I gazed at the gargolyes peppering the ceiling and I gazed for a stretch of time at ancient freezes depicting heaven's saints and England's bishops. Depicted christian justice. Sending sinners to hell, two were notably shown holding the heads of the men they'd condemned by the hair as their glory shone in a blazing halo about their head.
Why do I mention this? Because on so many levels I believe that you are right. Hell is personal, hell exists. Man created it. Our own selves created it. Mine shows itself in the all consuming panic attacks that I sometimes suffer inder conditions of extreme stress that I can't fight. Feelings of suffocation, of the inevitable weight of death. Individual to me perhaps, but recognisable by many.
As I walked about the Abbey I found myself apologising to a god I don't believe even exists. I told him 'I'm sorry I can't give you more'.
He didn't answer. I didn't expect him to. But I found myself oddly - is somewhat hypocritically - comforted.
I don't know if this helps. I don't even quite know what I'm trying to say, except that again, I believe that you're too hard on on yourself. I run as well, perhaps not as far, perhaps not as well, I run from my demons.
Sending you nothing but love and warmth. GD xx
I don believe in hell or heaven. We just get the reactions to our actions. That forms our heaven or hell.
About two months ago i started um... a "relationship" with God... i kinda had this epiphany.
I don't go to church and if i was to take the bible literally, i'd go quite mad... but... nevertheless...
I think this is one of those times i will have to blog more on my private blog for you... it's not something i want to shout about in this cynical and mocking world.
I often find the world very ironic. People are willing to believe in any old superstition like star signs and feng shui, yet willingly ignore the possibility of a divine presence... ah well... we're human... and human = complicated and fallible... amongst other things =)
S.x
If I did believe in Hell, yours would be a very rational way of putting it. "It's all in our head!"
Unfortunately I don't even have the car right now to drive away. and unlike you there is no Pittsburgh for me to drive to either. . .
Ginger Doll - I can see myself taking the same journey you did and noticing the same things; finding irony in them at times.
I do believe (or at least I do at this moment) in some sort of higher power. Ick, I hate that term. Thing is, I don't believe that I necessarily have a responsibility to it nor it to me.
So much of what we, in various cultures, believe is pretty much lore. Stories get twisted and turned with each person that recounts it. That being said, one of my favorite things to do is to wander through a cemetary, goal in mind is to find the oldest engraved stone. I stop and wonder, thinking about the differences between now and then. I ask them for their secrets but the don't talk.
Old churches (my reference would be to the greek catholic/byzantine/orthodox catholic variety) fascinate me. But I find them mocking in a sense. I want to connect but I seem to be on bypass. Which doesn't always bother me. I suppose I just don't like the idea of someone selling me possible nonsense without at least questioning it.
You are right, our hells are unique. Dante's Inferno was a cool read but I think we are individualized beyond a handful of levels. And it would be more personal. What is more personal than something in your head that you can't get away from?
I think sometimes that's what I run from.
Dr 02 - Hey there! Aw shucks, and I was soooo looking forward to sprouting wings and sitting on a cloud for eternity. ;) Sometimes I think that going with the current 'heaven/hell' theory gives people free reign to act like an ass and 1) be 'forgiven' or 2) fry. Like you said, basing it on actions seems more sensible.
Saturnyne - I am cynical. I am mocking. But you know in what regard; I'd not give you a hard time for your beliefs. See, all that we are today is a culmination of all the things we've been exposed to , whether we agree with them or not. That's how we learn and grow.
I've always been a little jealous of those that have faith. They often find comfort and strength where I cannot. Personally, faith is something I have a hard time with.
Be warned; if you start adding 'praise be to (enter deity here)' after every second sentence, I'm going to start getting edgy. ;) I'd like to see what you have to say so I'll have to stop over!
Tigress - Hey you! I'm not sure why this theory came to me, but it just makes sense. I don't take to believing tales of yore and although there is a part of me that can come up with the most fantastical ideas, I always challenge the big ones.
No car?! Oh dear. And I'm certain you could use the break. Hopefully you are able to find a way to deal with those issues that put you into 'run' mode. Remember, we all need to just escape sometimes... that includes you!
I think Hell is real and I think you have touched on some very interesting stuff regarding it.
Ben O.
Ben - We all have different beliefs and like many, mine change. Guess challenging the norm is something I'm not afraid to do. Glad to know this held your interest.
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