There will always be things that people try to forget about. I'm not referring to the really bad ones, just things. Normal, mundane in origin perhaps, yet the kind that make you want to pull up roots, shrivel and head on across the land like tumbleweed: the ones you just want to be away from. To ignore.
And there are those things that you can't. I find it shameful that I need to dole out my thoughts like I'm handing change to a line of paupers simply in order to keep them from overwhelming me. I hate it and I detest feeling so weak over something that is not of much consequence in the scheme of things. Yet apparently it is in my scheme. Somewhere it is huge.
I was to be making certain decisions now but I've conveniently 'forgotten' about the whole plan. Recently reminded, I'm weighing panic against purposeful inaction. Fact is, it can't be both ways. I can't tackle what causes me an utter shift in the ability to think and feel like a regular person. My regular. Which isn't all that regular.
Some would refer to me as a free spirit in the way that I do what captures my fancy at the moment. Most don't realize that that is the only safe way I can exist. Of course, there is a downside and the pitfalls of just such an existence catch up. I need an answer where there isn't one to be had. And this time, I can't artfully manufacture one - it doesn't work for this.
I'm okay now. Mostly out of the mixed episode anyway. What I'm concerned about here is my reaction to something that is basically hardwired in my brain. See, when I panic, my goal is not to get away from the situation, but to get away from me, because I'm the one stuck in it and will take it with me. But if the idea of trying to peel myself out of my skin to get away seems plausible, well, overwhelmed brains will try to accomodate. That is what I fear. Pretty much general stupidity brought on by overwhelming panic. It's almost like running from or reacting to a visual hallucination.
This is nothing new and I've talked about it before. I'll talk about it again soon but it's not so much the topic, as it is fairly generic, but it is how I respond to it. And the concept that I do not see how I will ever rid myself of it. The neural pathways were repeatedly burned to make this thought process and I may very well be a slave to it. Which in that case, there is no hiding.
*boom*
3 comments:
>>>I find it shameful that I need to dole out my thoughts like I'm handing change to a line of paupers simply in order to keep them from overwhelming me. I hate it and I detest feeling so weak over something <<<
You're being very very hard on yourself here. You call yourself various things in this post, stupid being one. You are not weak, you are not stupid, you are just - as you acknowledge yourself - reacting in the only way you can to circumstances that threaten to overwhelm you. There is nothing shameful in expressing your thoughts, if in the expressing you use it as a safety valve.
I've been hiding from myself over the past two weeks. I've been refusing to acknowledge certain truths to myself. You haven't done that. You've approach them head on. So what if you haven't made plans? So what if you live day to day? I've made the plans and I'm too scared to realise them - your way is so much braver than mine.
Take care - GD xx
If you find a way to get away from yourself, do drop me a postcard on how to do it from wherever you go. That would be a really neat trick. In the absence of that particular skill, though, the next best thing we can do is get the stuff that makes us want to run away out of our heads. Hence the existence of blogs and shrinks. So chill, honey, you're actually on the right track here :-)
I'm not ignoring comments or visiting... work is kicking my ass so this might be a slow go for a bit.
Ginger Doll - Hard on myself? Really? I suppose I just see it as being realistic in reference to shortcomings. Could be that I'm so used to it that I don't realize that I'm being hard on myself. I suppose I just keep trying to find new ways to shake the demons out; to have an understanding of why and how I can function while 'broken'.
When you hide from yourself, I always consider it a mental game of hide and seek with 'you' starring as the only player - kind of an exercise in futility. For a moment you can make yourself believe that you have the best EVER hiding spot until it dawns on you that you aren't hiding from anyone save yourself.
It's kind of funny in a way that we are taking on a similar beastie and attacing from opposite ends yet we both think we're not quite right for going about it that way.
There's some saying about time healing all wounds or somesuch. I believe to an extent; but moreso that it lessens the intensity, allows you to forget, and urges it to ease to the background. Perhaps not healed per se, but it gives a much needed respite.
Hope things are on the upswing xoxo
Terri - If I found a way to do that I'd be a gazillionaire with an infommercial on every TV station in the world. Perhaps even broadcast to the researchers in Antarctica. See, that's the thing about me. I really am stupid (sorry GD!), or shall we call it dim-witted? Or hard headed. I just think that if I want to get away from myself that as long as I try hard enough I should be able to do it.
That's a problem in and of itself because I usually get what I want, or something close to it. When I can't provide it, I take it as a very hard hit. And obviously I don't mean petty things. I mean jobs, projects, relationships... for some reason I can most often be the one that comes out on top without hurting anyone else. When I don't I truly panic as it is foreign...
Here's an example, at work this pharmacist always tells me that I could get anything in the world that I wanted with my voice, attitude and demeanor. He says I make people feel like they are my priority and will move the planets to help them. Thing is, I don't fake that - it's just me. BUT, I don't know how to be that way with myself, which is why I stall out at the 'chill' portion...lol.
If it weren't for my blog, and reading others, I fear I'd be in a horrid place. Like I said, I'm okay now and I do gather strength simply by reading these comments and bloghopping so I can see that there are others out there like me who struggle with these sorts of things. That always helps!
Post a Comment