Barring the relentless piles of snow here and there that refuse to succumb to the warming temps, most of it has melted. The lake has almost completely thawed. That is always a high point for me. It takes on a peculiar landscape in the winter when it freezes, partially thaws, then reforms and freezes once again. It's like mini-tectonic plates shifting but their days are numbered. I need to see the water.
In light of the fact that it is March, the buzzards have returned as they do every year on the Ides of March. Apparently they are on holiday up on the lake here for a few days but I enjoy them. Mostly. I keep thinking they are in my line of sight to remind me that they're here to clean up what is left of my life. To dispose of the carcass in an ecologically sound manner, if you will. And I can't argue with them, they've come all this way. They must know something I don't. But I'm catching on.
This mixed episode is still kicking my ass but I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Saturday, the good disco doc. This is the last chance I've giving him then I find a new doc. For crissake, I told him I was ready to drive off (or into) a bridge and options I'd given myself and he doesn't seem to take it seriously. Interestingly I can't even drink to change the mental vibe anymore. At least not right now. A part of me erroneously believes I'll 'learn' something from this episode so I need to have all senses keen. First, these are chemicals in my brain going haywire so there is nothing to learn, what happens to me isn't a conscious decision to learn from, I'm a bystander. Second, keen, reliable senses during an episode? Puh-lease. Maybe not imbibing is just a bit of restraint as I really have moments when I act on impulse and who is to say that I wouldn't really do something stupid? As if my current involvement with my life is anything to be proud of. Hell, I can't even be a good drunk! In a way it's like having the safety on a gun yet the abundance of explosives goes unnoticed.
There is an event I want to attend in Canada this June. Of course my mother is coming with me. She doesn't give two fucks about what I'm doing but she doesn't trust me to go and come back safely even though I more than likely won't be in any phase at the time. Apparently Canadian bridges are heftier than American ones? I'm 37 and I get a babysitter. Anyway, I've got to order my ticket and make plans this weekend. In some ways, if I have this planned, I know I'll cling to the flimsiest shred of sanity if need be just to attend. It's like life insurance in a way. Given my last post I'll give you three guesses as to what it is.
For now I'm glad that tomorrow is the end of a seven day stretch at work. Not bad at all, I just wish I felt better. I'll be able to snoop around in BlogLand over the weekend, which I'm looking forward to. Anyway, I'm reading a new book on bipolarity and I'll let you know if it's any good. Or if I strangle my disco doc on Saturday. Or the lovely folks at Sprint that have given me three shit-ass replacement phones in the past two weeks. For now, take care and I'll catch up with you all in a few days.
I'm really not dead although the buzzards are trying to convince me otherwise.
8 comments:
EEK!! we seem to have turkey vultures here all year long - they FREAK ME OUT!! but I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that before hehehe
recently there was one in a tree at the edge of our yard and I DID bring myself to go out there and attempt to photograph it (too bad my camera sucks)
as I crept closer and closer I kept pleading with it not to fly away... not because I didn't want to lose the shot but because I was afraid I'd poop in my pants if I had to see it's pterodactyliness flying over my head
I have serious panic problems with large birds like that
i'm rather afraid for you with those birds around. i saw crows last week, though. kinda creeped me out.
We don't have an equivelent to vultures here in LaLaLand UK, the odd pretty raptor but nothing majorly scavenging other than black crows.
I recall being gobsmacked at the sight of a flock of the ugly buggers (vultures) whilst in South Africa, I'd not realised such large carrion critters existed. UK wildlife is so tame...
Hope the disco doc session is tolerable, as the good ole Rocky Horror show states, 'Stay sane inside insanity (but they locked the foor and they threw away the key...)'
GD xx
(ps...Kitty, loving the avatar)
er...I might have meant door, not foor. I should adopt a motto that doesn't allow me to type under the influence.
lol these moms! they never tire!! ;-)
wish u all the best.
Erm, I'll be back, promise. Quick jaunt out of state tomorrow - aunt in hospital (not good) uncle had a stroke, REFUSED to be admitted and is now having difficulty. Shock. Anyway, I'm going to visit them. *sigh* See you soon!!! xoxo
Hang in there!! Spring will be here soon!
you'd BETTEr be back!
Incidentally, as someone who has suffered from depression and other things from a very early age, and knows many many others like or similar to myself... i am of the opinion that half of all workers in the mental profession (and i think i'm being generous) have less of an idea of a patients illness than the patient themselves.
the scene: talking to new psychiatrist or whatever: you explain how you're feeling and they start to come out with the same tired lines as the last jerk and the one before that, or they treat you as if you are a half-wit, JUST because it's a mental illness!
I just want to reach out and slap them right in the chops when they do either of those things (obviously, i don't, as this will then reflect badly on me and i'll then get "psychotic" added to my list of "grievances" =P )
Gah!
*runs around and bites stuff while frothing at mouth*
(don't worry, it's an act i put on for the entertainment of the "doctors" and myself)
I hope you are well, hun.
S.x
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