But I didn't. And now I never can.
I suppose I could say I was distracted by my adjustment to returning to Ohio. Or that I was battling two new jobs that were each vying to be the end of me in one way or another. Of course, just having had knee surgery less than a month prior would be another plausible reason.
But none of that is good enough. Not one bit of it. The truth of the matter is that it was due to my worsening tendency to separate and break away. Even from the things that matter.
Today I learned that a very close friend of mine passed away. Had I actually made the effort to contact her upon my return, well, then I'd have had the chance to continue being friends with her, even for a while. But I crawled into my anti-social shell.
I've spent quite a while today crying. Although I feel horrible and am shocked and saddened, the tears really aren't for me. The tears are because I wonder if she ever wondered where I went, why I sort of abandoned her? If she ever thought my absence was because of a shortcoming on her part.
I cried because I felt I may have hurt her, let her down. Then because I missed her.
For all that you endured, and the grace with which you did it, I can only believe that you've been granted a second chance. Maybe some time without illness or struggle. A moment to savor the rightness of things. I choose to believe that you know how I feel; a gift of clarity as a parting gift perhaps. SNOO will be permanent for as long as I have any say in the matter. Thank you Sue, for everything. Kiss kiss.
~
8 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss.
(BTW, this is Renee trying out a new stage name. And although it's completely inappropriate to mention it at a time like this, I just wanted you to know who's sending you well wishes.)
Peace and love ...
Renaissance Jones - To be honest, I really like that name for you. It fits. And thank you for the well wishes. It's hard to lose a friend when you know you played a part in the separation that occured before her death. I gotta get a grip on this sequestering thing I do.
I had a friend all through school - we weren't close but pretty friendly... she had a rough time all through school and wasn't the most popular kid by any stretch - and I've always kinda felt like I could have done more to make her feel accepted, ya know?
for the last several years I've tried to track her down but have never been able to find her online - I'd google her periodically and find absolutely nothing - nothing on classmates, myspace - anywhere!
I've just always wanted to know what became of her
a few weeks ago I googled her again and FINALLY found something...
unfortunately what I found wasn't good... it seems she had been hit by a car and killed just a couple weeks earlier
I keep hoping the article was about someone else with the same name... but I really don't think so :(
anyway... I'm sorry for your loss - that REALLY sucks!!
It's hard, so hard, when we put up the walls which are only there to protect ourselves (I do it too), and then something hits them and crumbles into the dust of what maybe could have been. I hadn't spoken to my pirate for two weeks before he killed himself. I'd known he was down, but didn't want to chase it too fully because I was playing a game of me at the time that didn't leave room for anything else. I reacted in a similar manner to you. I cried and I cried when told of his death. It just seemed to well from nowhere, and a huge part of it from my own guilt - especially as the last thing he told me to do was 'go away and do something creative, gal pal, and send me it'.
I did, a story called 'A friend called Jack'. It was a story about a man who finds his voice only when his best friend was killed. Pirate Twin never responded though he read the story. Five days later he was dead. I now think of that story as his goodbye and I can't read it.
I like to think of him sat stroking a metaphysical ginger cat called Marcus, surrounded by grecian temples and curvy temple maids, raising a glass to his dark mistress and partying with the sun god. Not sure if they had JD in grecian times, but if there is elysian fields, then I'm sure they brew it just for him.
The guilt fades but the sorrow still lingers. I couldn't have done anything, changed anything. But I shed tears for him when few others would because he showed me a kindred spirit that many wouldn't like. I could be free with him a way that many would censure me for.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Each grief is different, each has its own course. Just know that I'm thinking of you, and I'm thinking of that damnable pirate twin of mine, and he's raising a neat JD to Live Wire and his Honey Child. And who knows? Perhaps Sue is sat there with him watching the sun fade and Bacchus dancing.
xx
Aw. That sucks. I am sure she would understand though. We all get busy with our lives and can't keep in touch as much as we would like to.
Live, I'm so very sorry. I also believe that she would understand.
Just so sorry. Hugs and grace to you, my friend.
i'm so sorry sweetie. how awful. i wish i could give you a hug. please take care. we're thinking of you.
Am sorry for your troubles, hun.
I remember similar feelings, and thoughts of guilt about... people.
We could all do many, many things with hindsight to guide us. But at the time... we do only what we are able to do. Regret is a country one should not linger in for long. The atmosphere is quite stifling, y'know. *smiles*
If there is an afterlife, and certainly no-one can disprove it, then i think your friend will know.
*many hugs*
S.x
Post a Comment