I dunno. I could be wrong. Something tells me that all that I have been doing to get my life in order is really only a cushion for when things go haywire. It might be starting. It sort of feels that way. It is so annoying when you feel like you are on the cusp of something but instead of being excited about it, you have this low voltage edginess going on.
I'm watching old episodes of I Love Lucy (as if there are new ones...) and gritting my teeth at the simplicity of it all. Jealously, of course. In addition, she's got some killer dresses and a hot Cuban. For as much as I enjoy watching the show, I always feel like I somehow failed. In general. Like it's a societal-based failure.
Parts of me are so hateful that I am even somewhat embarassed. Not sure where it's coming from so I find it hard to reel it in. If I can't go to the source, I don't know which wire to cut, you know? Really though, I'm still a very sweet, intelligent, kind person at the same time. I just change on a dime. Perhaps that's what I'm having a hard time with. Maybe I feel like I am supposed to be one or the other, not one and the other.
Winter is getting to me and I fear that one more bout of snow and freezing rain will have me sprawled out, pounding my fists into the mess and shouting obscenities. Not that much different from any other day with the exception that I could hurt myself punching ice. Winter makes me feel confined. I have serious confinement issues. Perhaps I should reevaluate my current locale in reference to weather sometime in the next year or so.
Not without a long string of unforseen and poorly paired events, I came into the world of technology today. One level of it anyway. Digital phone, caller ID, digital cable and the DVR thingy. I'm recording something as we speak. Which I want to say I'm taping it but that's not accurate, is it? Old habits, eh? Never did have caller ID on a home phone. I'd let you leave a message and if I felt like talking, I'd call you back. That was a fine form of ID in my book. But it's now included, so I have it. Apparently sometime tomorrow it will be showing up on the TV screen, should I have it on. As if I'm too lazy to turn and look at the handset next to me.
Oh, and here's a little something I learned along the way. Unless you actually have a septic system or really sensitive plumbing, do not buy septic safe toilet paper. You can grab three yards of the stuff and wrap it around your hand but when all is said and done, your hand goes right through and you've basically just peed on your own hand. Granted, it is your own urine but still. Apparently septic safe means water (or urine) breaks it down easily. Good for the septic system, bad for my hand.
I'll be around to spread my cheer over the weekend. Not to worry, I'll wash my hands first.
11 comments:
lmao. this post mademe laugh. sounds like you're having a frustrating time. go do something nice for yourself. maybe it'll help relieve the stress.
oh now you've done it!!
you'll never want o be without caller ID OR DVR again
caller ID is a life saver - for me anyway... especially now that someone gave me a phone that you can have different ring tones for different people... now I have my phone set to an alarm sound with a flashing red light whenever my aunt calls!! haaaa
butthe caller ID on the tv is AWESOME (when it works) you can't rely on it... BUT what's great is that with cordless phones our phone is rarely sitting near us when we're watching tv so I can just look up at the screen - what's extra good about it is it's large enough to see from across the room
but the extra good thing is that it comes up with the call waiting - none of my phones tell me who's calling if I'm already on the phone... but the caller ID on the tv screen will!! WOO HOO
anyway - did you not even have digital cable before? digital cable is the best... strictly because of the ability to flip through the channels and/or the guide to several hours or several days away (AND see what the show is about/whether or not it's a rerun!!)
AND there's picture in picture on the digital channel guide - so if you insist on using the guide to see what's on later you don't have to miss part of your show - not that you'd have to miss it anyway - because with the dvr you can pause and rewind live tv anyway
next to the DVD - DVR is my favorite invention... possibly EVER!! haaaa
oh and Sam and I still ask eachother if we taped anything last night - but then we still call albums albums too - I guess that makes us the old people that kids roll their eyes at now
Congratulations on the technology. Am I the only one who thinks you cleverly talked about that longest and lastest to paper over the stuff you said before?
Or perhaps it's just that I read something into what you said before because I can identify with it so keenly.
"Societal-based failure"
"I should be one or the other"
wow. not cool seeing it in black & white.
As for "that low-voltage edginess you feel when you feel like you're on the cusp of something"... I know that feeling.
I think we should call it "Hezbekkah".
i totally agree with terri calling that feeling "hezbekkah." maybe that's why you've been pulling that word out of the air, that general feeling is in the air, too. art imitating life? maybe.
As the old expression goes: If you're feeling shitty, then you need a better quality toilet paper.
Avoiding any and all septic-tank safe loo roll.
There is occasionally nothing wrong with hate. I'd like to say I never do it, but naturally I do - at points in my life when it just bursts out in one suxstained explosion for a number of days / weeks / occasionally months and then collapses inward and leaves me shattered and self abusing. Usually the subjects are subjects for good reason - the woman who slept with my husband for example (and don't think he got off lightly either although it never developed into hatred, more crime and punishment. She was different thogh - she'd knowingly set out to hurt me, thus she suffered back in spades). The She Devil in my previous job who had a knack of bullying women around her and turning it round onto the challenger (i.e. me) if questioned at all. I astounded my friends by the sustained level of hatred I showed for her because they are quite simply not used to it. But she is someone who goes through life destroying people and then says they asked for it.
So don't beat yourself up for it. It happens for a reason. I won't say don't self hate because I occasionally still do (myself), yet oddly I don't hate myself for publishing the mistresses personal details and photo on my website, plus transcripts of her e-mails, text messages and then e-mailing the web address to her colleagues. Perhaps it will make the skanky whore think twice next time!
Err, sorry about the rant...I'm still being positive this year, honest!
GD/xx
Caller ID on the TV sounds cool to me.
And thanks for the heads up about the TP. lol!
KT - Frustrating indeed. I keep trying to do something for myself but I get distracted...lol. Then again, I did buy new TP; does that count?
Kitty - For the first time last night caller ID came up on the TV. I take back any snide remarks I made... I think I'm in love. My mom had digital but no DVR. I'm semi-hip to the dig thing but this is the new and improved set up so it's still new, in a way. And the remote is more confusing. I watched my 'taped' program and really like the ease of recording. This might actually get me to watch more TV. Or at least tape more. No guarantees I'll watch it. I'm not up to the pausing live tv and stuff... it hurts my brain to think about that. Maybe I'll work up to that next week! You can count me as a member of your old club; I'm hip to that. Apparently not much else, but that, it works for me! =)
Terri - Nice use of the word 'paper' in this comment. And yeah, I kind a work that way. There's always some sort of blend going on and I just blurt things out in whatever order they fall off my brain. Sometimes seeing it in blank and white can be freeing, other times it makes us wish that we weren't seeing ourselves in those statements. But we do. And once that happens, somehow you can't really take back that moment of recognition, can you? I think you are onto something with calling that feeling Hezbekkah; it even has the right sound. It's official then. Hope you're doing better!
illyria - That was quite a nice call on Terri's part, was it not? And this Hezbekkah feeling seems to be universal if it has found you as well. We'll need to remember it for the next time... there's always a next time.
Kyknoord - Well mister smartypants. It's not my fault if SA has all the good expressions and we are left to fend for ourselves up here. If I'd only known...
Dearbhla - Ah, thanks for stopping by when I posted about such an, um, interesting topic! ;) Hey, just doing my part to enlighten the public on such crucial matters! =)
Ginger Doll - When hate gets a grip on you, often you have little say as to the outcome and it does tend to utterly wring you out. I think you'd agree that it also has it's place. It is a very strong emotion and will not be held back. In trying to do so, it could literally be the death of you one way or another. It really does make people view you differently when they witness it. As in reference to the She Devil - they were not used to seeing you that way and it most likely left a lasting impression. And hopefully provided a deterrant for them! As for the other scenario. Pardon me for saying this, but doing what you did was, well, kind of severe. It makes me like you all the more! You got to a point where you pretty much put your concerns of what others might think aside and in various ways said 'No, this is NOT ok!'. She crossed the line and you called her out. You have bigger balls than many guys I know. ;)
Meadow - Hey sweetie, how ya been? Yeah, tv/caller ID is my new BFF. And you know me, always willing to share any embarassing, gross, awkward moment if it means someone else can opt out! Knowledge is power. Yeah, not such a fan of pee-pee hand. Ew! =)
well a little advice for when you do work your way up to pausing - if you have your heart set on seeing something you should record it rather than just pause it - because there have been a few times now where the phone rang or something interrupted my tv watching and I've paused only to accidentally hit the 'live' button, bringing the show to it's right place and it doesn't always let you rewind what you accidentally 'fast forwarded'
did that make any sense? hehehe
my favorite thing about DVR (aside from the ease of it) is all the stuff I would have otherwise missed because it's on in the middle of the night
seriously, since I got the DVR I've hardly used my DVD player or VCR - I have all I can do to keep up with what I'm recording!! haaaa
Kitty - That actually DID make sense. Yeah, I'm thinking my VCR and DVD player might end up under a layer of dust. Well, more dust than usual! =)
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