It started normal enough.
Somewhere along the way something went wrong and I'm not sure where. I mean, it's all in my head, but my head is really all I've got, so I'm not so sure that is a comfort.
Right now I'm convinced that there is no way that I can do anything right. Everything is wrong and I am just existing and putting on a fake smile. I really want to yank down my pants, bend over and moon the world with my big, white ass. Or not. Maybe just sit and stare out the window.
How things have gotten to be such a mess, I'll never know. My fix? For the moment.... I GIVE THE FUCK UP! And I have to raise my alcohol tolerance again (goal: no cardiac effects). Not to where it used to be ~ I sure as hell couldn't afford that kind of habit anymore, but to a level where I can have a few drinks and just forget about shit. Just forget the fuck about it.
Forget about strength and sense. Forget about logic and compassion. Forget about dreams and goals and being nice and absently replying 'fine' when asked how I am because clearly, everything is not fucking fine.
And then one day it will be worse.
And eventually, it will get better.
I would just give 90% of my stuff away and walk away from my life but people think you're suicidal when you give all your shit away. Which I'm not. Obviously I thrive on the twisted perversion of life to have stuck around for so long.
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