Time to dust off the cobwebs

Well.  Sure has been a long time since I've been HERE. 

Would be nice if I could give you a big, elaborate story as to why, but it comes down to boredom, laziness, frustration and just being plain forgetful of late.

Had a three day trip planned for this coming week to drive up to New York, see The Trews and Big Wreck and then hop over to Canada for a few hours.  Um.  Yeah.  I won't be going.  I'm not really pissed about it, but I am hugely disappointed.  It is a choice that I am making in order to stay closer to home as it has been determined that my grandmother will be needing surgery and although it isn't happening this coming week, I can't really leave here here with the things she has going on.  That would be really selfish of me.  I'm all for living your life, but I can't leave her when I know she's scared.  She is 91. 

This is the second little getaway that I planned this year (the other was in May) that fell through, actually for the same reason ~ it was the beginning of all this that is going on now.  I need time away so badly that I'm pretty much mentally done for. 

I've challenged my Director and expect to get reamed on Monday.  Look, the fucker put me on the schedule for 12 days in a row (and three Mondays, which is my day off so I schedule all my appointments then) and never even asked me.  Now.  He and I have had this convo several times and the last time (about a month ago) I thought he finally got it.  So the schedule came out, I saw the 12 days, was trying to find a way to bring it up without getting screamed at (always a touchy subject with him), and then he sent out an email to everyone saying to disregard, he messed up the schedule and he'd have it fixed by days end.  Just in case, I shot a quick email asking if this would (hopefully) change my 12 in a row so that he was aware before making all the changes.  Well, it didn't, so I emailed him last night and although I wasn't mean, it is not an email that he will be pleased to read.  I've had it.  At this point, if I stay in Oncology and lose the hours in the main pharmacy, I don't care.  I will find somewhere else to pick up a few hours.  In truth, I think my time there is about up, by my choice.

Which brings me to another thought... it may be time for me to branch off with my career.  I'm not sure how or what, but I sure as hell don't see the point in taking another job like I have now, just in another hospital.  The novelty would wear off in less than a year, guaranteed.  Time to figure out what I actually want.  No mistaking, that could change again in 5 years, but I'm not worried about 5 years, I'm worried about now.

In other news, which, in truth should have made headlines on the World News... other than the seven days of the meds that put me in the hospital last year, my status is been Bipolar: unmedicated since 5.5.11.  Truthfully, I don't think I'm any worse than I was when I went off the meds.  That is the general consensus as well.  Trust me, I've got a couple that would have NO problem telling me that I was off track.  Which is good; I need that.  This isn't about being non-compliant.  This is a decision that I came to and my doc agrees with since I had lithium toxicity twice then was hospitalized with the ADR last June from the meds that I started to replace the lithium.  Maybe I'm just lucky right now, but I've been maintaining fairly well over the past year.  If it comes to the point where I am not, then I have some decisions to make.  For now, I am refusing treatment for the bipolarity based on the fact that 1) I am scared to death of another bout of toxicity  2) I am fucking terrified that I will end up on death's doorstep again with another ADR and am still recovering from that fiasco  3)  I am no worse without it. 

Well, just figured I'd ramble for a bit to prove that I am still here.  Perhaps tomorrow I will skip around BlogLand, but for now, sleep wins.