Oh dear Jesus, Budda and Allah, what have I done...

I need a keeper. That's it. During my manic phase I not only resurrected my MySpace account, but I got a Facebook account. What the FUCK was I thinking?!?! Here's the issue. I cannot be trusted. First thing, I kinda did the resurrecting for stalking purposes. No biggie - they live far away, I just wanted info. But then there's good ol' Facebook. I happened to look up the name of someone. Now. We had one of those strained relationships in college where we were friends but hung out all the time and everyone always asked us why we weren't dating. But we were very, very close and it was my fault the communication stopped. As it usually is. So on a whim I look him up. And there he is. I know it was him based on a number of factors, I didn't need a pic. So like a full on dumb ass, I sent him a message. I didn't do a friend request, just sent the message. This is not a good thing. I will do this until I combust internally. I have this need to know yet a distinct desire to NOT know. I wish those two sides of me would get on the same page one day. Nothing good can come of this. Now my former stalkee seems like childs play (harmless info, that's all it was) in comparison to the hurt I may have to relive. Do you realize that if I get a response, I will be transported back in time to a place that I am not ready to return to? Yes, I know it was me being thoughtless but now I'm going to have to live with this. Right now I'm a bit too fragile to take on that set of issues so don't remind me that it was my fault. Yet because I couldn't control myself, I had a message all written sent and in history before I realized, I did it. *sigh* I didn't send a friend request because I don't care what he's doing now. I just wanted to make sure he was ok. I missed him for years and wanted to say so - but that part I held back. I was brief. I just told him I always wondered how he was doing. Always. So the thing is that I will end up in a downward spiral. I sensed it as soon as I hit the 'send' button. I'm going to be sick. And then I'm going to need extra appointments with my therapist because I can't stop fucking up my life. If you knew how I get when the cart gets tipped, you'd understand my panic here. Too late to avert and I tipped the damned thing myself. Sonofabitch.

**Add on** No one should ever give Facebook to someone with even a slightly unstable mind. I had no idea that it would throw me into such a state of panic. It is like I'm revisiting all things lost. Sometimes they are lost for a reason, other times you can't remember why they even went away. I thought I was protecting myself (and I am) by not putting my real name on my account. I never considered that I'd have to protect myself from what I might find. Damn me and my incomplete logic!