(Dan, this one's for you.)
There are times that I would prefer to be delusional. I want to be the girl that gets irate when her boyfriend cheats on her with his wife. The person who denies their meth addiction while speaking through darkly eroded teeth. The one who continues to yell, come find me when the game of Hide & Seek is long over; the counter tapping them on the shoulder. The girl that continues to sing and act out a video long after the music stops even though she can't carry a tune in a bucket.
Hey wait, that last one IS me...
Anyway. My point is this. I can't be those people. I will never be them. I knew from the very start that the Emperor had no clothes and was never able to see things any other way. From time to time, I try, thinking that if I blend with the herd my life will be easier.
I cannot blend. I do not blend. That is what makes me, me. Some days it makes me feel the hurt of the ages. Other days, I just am. Over time I learned that left of center is where I fit best; an anchor of sorts that ensures I won't succumb to the Brownian movement of the herd.
Sometimes I wish I was one of those people; for the delusional, things are simpler. But comfort in my differentness guides me and I veer off, skipping and tripping along my own quirky, variable, off key path. Bucket optional.
Intoxicated with the madness, I'm in love with my sadness
Bullshit fakers, enchanted kingdoms
The fashion victims chew their charcoal teeth
I never let on, that I was on a sinking ship
I never let on that I was down
Wanna go for a ride?
(The Smashing Pumpkins, Zero)
~
** Truth be told, this sat in my draft folder overnight. Perhaps it was waiting for this... on my single hospital round this evening, I was faced with this mid-conversation comment: "You know, you aren't just left of center, its like you went full circle then stopped there!" The handful of us got a good laugh and I realized that that was the best compliment I've had in a while. Why? These people really like me and think rather highly of me. They don't like me in spite of my weirdness, they like me because of it. Its a good thing I don't know any other way to be.
10 comments:
To be unique, I am jealous!
:)
peace
:D
I think part of the problem I have is that because of my shyness, I don't feel like i'm always putting myself across as best I could. I haven't always the confidence to be as talkative, funny, interesting etc as I could be...and that bothers me. I can deal with people not liking me better when i'm truly being myself...but thats so rare.
But of course what you say is completely true, and yes I get bothered about not fitting in when in reality whatever I did wouldn't matter because i'm just different to other people...but our differences are what really bring us together, if everyone was the same, it just wouldn't be as interesting.
And i'm sure glad you're you, as i'm sure everyone else is :)
Dan
xxxx
Anonant - We're all unique, silly. You included. ;) Some of us know that from birth it seems, the rest of us battle with it until we're comfortable with that. Isn't human nature just wonderful? (eesh!)
Motormouth - Believe it or not that was what held me back when I was in my teens. Since then it's been a back and forth thing. I think that being shy is no big deal if it doesn't bother you. Nothing wrong with it at all. But if being shy DOES bother you, you may need to take steps to break out of that. Be kind to yourself as it does take time. You don't always have to be 'on', as they say. Even the funniest, most talkative, interesting people need to recharge. Putting yourself out there and really being yourself takes alot of courage. Both because of vulnerability and also trusting that you will be you and not specifically try to impress. Let more of 'you' show through, little by little. There is no rush, no banner to run through at the end of it all. You are so right when you say that our differences bring us together. If I were surrounded by people that were all clones of me, I think I'd be jumping off something high. The beauty is in the variety of personalities. My guess is that people value you more than you allow yourself to believe. Try it for a while - allow yourself to believe in you. xoxo
Hey, it's me. With a new name. Again. Call me the P Diddy of easy listening. Or is it Sean now? Anyway ...
In case I haven't told you lately, you're a damn good writer. Happy Valentine's Day ... if you're into that kind of thing. :)
Bloody good post, and Dan, just remember that the people who take time out to find out who *you* are - they're the one's who'll be the friends / lovers / rocks of ages etc when you need them most.
I had a friend drought in my early twenties, I coped with my shyness by getting horrifically drunk and then OTT hyper. People I met then still avoid me in the street.
Now in my thirties I don't really try and yet I have made some wonderful, lovely friends who like me for my randomness and lack of conformity. I feel safe in my skin, took me a long time but it happened :-}
So chill, have fun and do something you enjoy (that's free! I know you're skint).
Love to you too, LW.
GD xx
Well, I like you a bunch, just as you are, here in the cyber world. And that should count for something. I'm glad your hospital crew also sees you and loves you.
Weirdness is a blessing. My world is a better place with your weirdness in it. I belong to the tribe of weird myself!
You can olny be who you are and forcing yourself out of that box just doesn't work.
Rush - You are indeed the P Diddy (er, you know...) of the blog world! Truthfully, I'm not sure what he answers to this week. And thank you for the compliment, I truly appreciate that.
Ginger Doll - I'm still smiling over the term 'friend drought' and nodding my head in understanding of the 'people on the street' scenario. When I read Dan's post, I had to write this as it had been on my mind lately; it was kind of a natural. Life certainly has a way of tossing us around sometimes. ;)
Jarvenpa - It IS easy to like someone from a distance...lol. But you seem to be such a good judge of character so I'm really flattered, actually!
Anne - Holy crap! Twice! YAY! You're back! Of course I'll have to shuffle on over that way to see what is going on at your place. But yay!! My fellow weird tribe member! =)
Glenn - Ok, so it took me about 6,512 words to say what you sum up in one sentence. Damn. Brevity is not my strong suit. Your logic is sound but I suppose it takes the experience of it all to believe we are ok just the way we are. All that altitude must make you smart. ;)
This was well put and if some of these things are really getting to you I would suggest dealing with them. If you need help seek it. Just don't let this drive down a road of addiction of any kind. I know it can be easy to find a bottle more comfortable than confronting what is really bothering you. Narconon VistaBay has taught me to deal with any issues I have and get control over them so nothing bothers me any more. Even if it is something like being shy. Confront life for all its wonders and come out of your shell.
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