Wednesday 6.11.08 is the Matthew Good concert in London, ON. I've planned. I bought a ticket for myself to go by myself. From my house, it is a 5.5 hour drive (non-stop) one way. Yes, he's amazing but this was also a goal show for me. How can I put this? Remember over the past, I don't know, 8 - 10 months I was ready to will life to end in a fiery blaze? The only way I got myself to move on was to use goals. Buffalo was the first, Cleveland the second and this was to be the third.
Did you notice a sort of change in grammatical tense with that last part? Yeaaaah. I can't go. Well, I could, but the fact that I have developed a troubling and insanely disgusting tooth abcess is putting a damper on the whole thing. I'm worrying about fending off endocarditis but I still can't stop trying to think of a way to go. Yes, I know it would be a stupid choice to go considering all that could go wrong, and let's face it, you've known me long enough to know that with me, they'll go wrong and then some. Meh, old hat.
Even saying that, it kills me. Perhaps because I feel like I not only failed in providing myself with a moment of peace because he really just has a way of making me feel more than any one person should then smooths over all the rough spots, but I feel like I've failed at my goal. Like I'm telling myself that by not going that I don't value my sanity as this is what was keeping me going. It's probably the infection talking..... sure. We know it's me but the idea of an easy out is appealing.
So, I contacted the venue and all but begged for them to release my ticket - for free - I didn't even want the money for it. They won't. Unless the person picking up the ticket has a copy of both the front and back of my credit card. Which will be happening right after I get a Paris Hilton tattoo on my fucking forehead. All I could think to do was contact Matt Good and see if he could use whatever method possible to get it to someone who otherwise couldn't make it to the show. I'm sure he gets emails and such all the time like that.
I'm the one trying to fend off an infection of the heart and somehow that pales in comparisson to how I feel about cancelling my trip, failing to keep my promise to myself and then trying to give away a ticket to someone, no strings, and failing at that. Ok, so I know I can't control their policies, I'm not an idiot. I'm being responsible for my health so why do I feel like it's all wrong? Oh yeah, that's right... I'm not used to taking care of myself!
Alright, I've gotta end this one with a bang {snicker}. If you get disgusted easily, or even moderately so, stop now ->
Ok, this fucking tooth abcess tastes like I'm giving an eternal blow job. Twenty. Four. Muthalovin'. Seven. Now that's just wrong.
5 comments:
I just fell out of my chair... so you may not have succeeded at getting to that show - but you successfully made me fall over laughing!! a goal you weren't even shooting for!! =)
now all you have to do is find something else to look forward to
OR can't you just get your tooth fixed?? dentists do emergency stuff... don't they?
That must have been so FRUSTRATING!!!
Hope you're getting treatment now and feeling better, minus the endless blow job.
hahaha you're a fucking mess. lol. i love it.
so sorry that you have to miss the concert. that blows. hope you get the tooth fixed pronto.
but can i say how proud of you i am that you planned to go on your own?! you go girl!
Awuch to the tooth abscess!!! that sucks (pundit intended! ;) ).
And sorry for the missing of the concert. Goes to show that the good intentions (giving away the ticket no-strings-attached!) are some times dwarfed but other less well-intentioned! The rule of front and back of credit card copy is ridiculous!
I hope Matthew Good answers and finds a way. . .
Cheers,
Having had tooth abscesses of my own (and not too long ago either) I feel for you, and hope you are on antibiotics and all that (garlic, b vitamins, rest, water).
When our bodies...interrupt us--it is hard. Because when we are least in control we feel most we should be, and we feel responsible.
So you are getting practice in taking care of yourself.
And maybe Matthew Good will someday just do a private concert for you.
Hey, anything is possible.
(my daughter's cat is now officially proclaimed well by the vet--despite all odds. We are happy. Nothing like teaching your kids that stubborn determination is a good, good thing.)
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