I'm curious how far one has to be pushed, or taken advantage of, or burdened, or generally pissed off, or gravely let down before something in them says 'enough'. See, the problem I have here is that when I do something, I really do it. None of this half-assed kind of shit. If I determine that I have indeed had enough, I need to come to terms with the fact that I will be severing not only ties to things that symbolize the only normalcy (no matter how fucked up it is) that I know, but also to things that I never planned on voluntarily saying goodbye to. At this rate, I may successfully alienate the majority of people in my life and lose the paltry amount of actual 'things' I have. Probably within the next couple of months. And they want me to be 'Christmas-y'?! I think not. Paint me green, get me a little antlered dog and find me a Who to hate.
But life changes, doesn't it? Don't they say that change is the only thing that remains the same? As much as it's true, it's a load of shit. There's a big difference between voluntary and involuntary change that I don't even want to delve into now. The problem I have with change lately is that I feel like I'm at a blackjack table run by Twisted Fate and the only words I know how to say are 'hit me'.
So, when you feel like you can't control things that way, you do the only thing you can; you start pulling away. If the only thing you can manage to do it say 'hit me' less frequently perhaps you'll get knocked down fewer times. And yes, I realize that phrase spans two meanings but get over it.
Don't misunderstand, there are things I can still laugh at and some things I can say I still enjoy. It's just that I don't trust anything anymore not to morph at any given moment. Because of that, I'm distancing myself more and more. On one hand I think it's self-preservation. On the other, I think it's just a little bit sad that at my age (ick, that sounds bad!) I still can't really believe anything. I still think of life as fluid; nothing stays, no matter what words are spoken or guarantees have been made. Problem is, I want a guarantee somewhere.
There is some form of inventory going on in my head now. I can't really stop it as the process has begun and I'm just an onlooker at this point. It's sort of like those inventory people you see in stores with their hand-held digital machines and mini magic-scanner-wands have taken over up there. Things are being sorted and whether I realize it now or not, I probably know where it'll all end up. Isn't that odd? I mean, they're my thoughts, I know whats up there, yet I feel like I have to allow myself to go through this process to come to a conclusion. Huh. Maybe that's why I have an interest in psychology; the mind is a strange place.
Just like my last mini post with the maxi title, I'll stick to saying fuck off for the time being. If I say more I'll either cry, beat someone, or short out. For once, my desire to swear at someone is actually the safer option.
9 comments:
Awuch!
That's usually what I end up doing, when I go beyond the point of non-return. The thing is right after ding all that, the only thing that seems to work for me is taking refuge in the same arms that I have "fucked off", cry hard and being told that everything is going to be OK.
If a virtual hug could do, consider urself tightly hugged. . .
A rock on the bottom of a river remains even after a flood.
You're the constant, the guarantee. The trick is to find the other rocks while ignoring the debris.
Forra choo, I killa da bool. Olé!
I thought it was only death and taxes?
I know what you mean - something reliable that turns out to actually be reliable would be good. Perhaps some of us learn this lesson later in life than others and that's why it p*sses us off? 'Cos there we were happily believing something and then whammo! Turns out we were wrong.
You tell 'em to fuckoff if it makes you feel better. I don't mind. I'll tell 'em the same thing this side of the pond, if it helps.
Tigress - I suppose having that sort of safe place helps, doesn't it? Thank you for the hug! =)
Jason - I'm the constant? Eesh, we're all in trouble now. Finding other rocks is definitely a good thing but I think I can occupy myself in the mean time by referring to certain others (or situations) as 'debris'. I like that.
Kyknoord - Lol, you know, I figured your accent would be a little different than that. What a guy, ole indeed!
Terri - I know you can't escape death and taxes, and if you could, you'd be a skazillionaire! Yeah, maybe that's why it gets us upset, we learn it later and have more sense to identify it as something not quite right than does the lucky 20 year old that gets it right off the bat. I think we should definitely make the phrase 'fuck off' a daily thing. Just remember, it must be said with conviction...lol.
I wish I had an inventory of the things that go on in my mind - I'd be a bit more focused about where things are and where I'm heading. Then again, knowing that may be worse than not knowing.
Well now--it seems indeed that I turn away for a moment, blink my eyes, come back and you have posted several times, your Gram is in and out of the hospital, the holidays are upon us, and you are...spinning a little, or a lot.
I wish I could send you a solid, reliable life (complete with interesting people with lovely eyes, perhaps).
It's a hard time of year.
Your Mojo could be a cousin of one of my cats, Pippin, who was rescued from a laundromat (next door to the store) and defied all odds by living, despite drenching, pneumonia, and broken bones. He's a grand huge cat and very quirky. (one of my other cats is named Destiny--so hey, if you have Mojo, well--I have Destiny). (and surely that's a good thing? ) I send you good thoughts my dear.
The early spring-cleaning taking place in your thoughts sounds like a good step forward. It's important to let go of stuff that might hold you back, or down, as the case may be...
Nomad - There are moments when it's hard to tell which is worse, knowing or not knowing. I suppose we all work differently! Each has it's strong points. ;)
Jarvenpa - Ah yes, interesting people with lovely eyes, those help. I happen to know of just such a person, too! Sounds like Pippin had quite a rough start; glad he found you. I do love big kitties, they're wonderful. ha, Mojo and Destiny, it sounds like a winning pair! I hope all is well with you.
Anne - It's always some form of seasonal cleaning in my head. Purging the gray matter can work wonders.
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