I really had every intention of posting sooner. Truth is life is a bit of a shitfest and I couldn't post without bitching. So I didn't post. For the moment, I just need to talk about one thing.
My mother forwarded a message to me. A friend from my childhood found her on Facebook and was hoping she was my mom and asked if she could get a message to me. Her message? She has been trying to find me for years (truth) and that we were best friends in grade school (partial truth). She says that I was the one that got her through a very difficult childhood. Oddly, my friendship with her aided in me becoming a seriously defective person. Years of therapy, and I don't joke.
Funny how she is grateful for me being there and I often regret the fact that I was ever in her life. Two sides, same coin. It wasn't her fault but I've spent more than 20 years avoiding her because of what happened, trying to forget things. I will contact her. I have to. I'm seriously afraid. She mentions her difficult childhood so I know it will be addressed. I've spent a lifetime pretending the events co-mingled with our friendship could just be buried. But now they are back, almost 30 years later.
These events, along with others, made me want to run and disappear. My mind does stall out and leave when I find myself facing similar moments. I've run most of my life but its back. None of it ever fucking went away but I was able to keep it at bay. And now it is back. And the very idea scares the hell out of me. I will not be able to contain it. I will spend my time talking with her and consoling her when the time comes. She deserves that more than you can imagine. And then I will take it out on those closest to me. And I will become more hateful and bitter than I thought I could be.
And then I will take it out on myself. It saddens me that she gives me so much credit. A real friend would have killed him.
2 comments:
Um... After a split-second thinking about whether or not I would post my first reaction here I have decided to go with it. It might sound harsh but it comes from a place of similar experience. So here goes:
Run, Forest, Run!!!
From your post it sounds like this is the epitome of what they call a Toxic Friendship - she gets all the support and in the process drains you of life. Honey, you do NOT owe her any more than what you already gave years ago. If your instinct is to run and disappear then Do It.
I had a friend like this. I loved her dearly; we had lots of laughs, true. But she also had a 'difficult' childhood. There were all sorts of nasty issues involved. I felt like I was constantly trying to save her and in the end all I got was hurt and emptied. For the record: I had a 'difficult' childhood too - I'm guessing yours was no picnic either! But these people give nothing back. Finally, as an adult, I ended the friendship. It was one of the hardest things I ever did and I still feel a bit guilty. I actually still wonder did she survive..? but if I had carried on I don't know if I would have.
Your priority is to look after You.
If your gut is telling you to run the other way, then run the other way. Trust yourself and don't get sucked into old destructive patterns again.
You deserve better.
I get all nervous about posting these sort of comments but I feel very strongly about this and because I give a shit about you, I'm posting it anyway.
Take care.
xxx
Terri - As I'm sure you'd figure, I appreciate your honesty. Very glad you went with your first instinct. You are right, I had a difficult childhood as well and sometimes I think it is because of that that we try to cover all bases and be everything to everyone. Somehow we try to fix what we couldn't when we were younger and often at a detriment to ourselves. I'm not sure if me wanting to run is the me 'now' or a reaction to the me 'then'. I have spent my entire life keeping my real name out of anything on the internet because of things like this. I was pretty damned good at hiding. Which I can still do. The guilt you feel over severing ties with your friend is completely understandable but it sounds as if it was a sink or swim issue for you. Someone has to look out for YOU. It's not ok to drain the life out of you for the benefit of another, that, while they may be in a terrible situation, does not mean they can in turn abuse you or your kindness toward them. Often they don't see it that way which is what makes it so toxic. And isn't it sad that in the end, standing up for yourself leaves you feeling guilty anyway? The human condition can boggle the mind. Thank you for your comment. I truly appreciate your thoughts! =) xoxo
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