Or perhaps it is already here. I'm not looking at this as if it were a bad thing, I see it as more of a cleansing. Of course I do worry that there is nothing left to cleanse; that other than the anger, bitterness, and general darkness that mull about inside me, well, there really isn't much left. It has all been pushed out or into hiding.
So I think that I've been trying to separate me from me. Which of course, is not easily done and is typically handled with a mixture of antipsychotic drugs. Not really what I'm going for. Maybe I'm trying to separate me from what has led up to me becoming who I am since I happen to be so fucking miserable of late. That makes sense, doesn't it? It's like I'm trying to start again, but being the person I am, I have to get rid of the things around me that only serve as reminders.
Interestingly, I feel that every item I get rid of must be thrown away. I'm referring to things other than clothing - decorative items, personal items collected over the years. Reminders of vacations long past. They cannot be donated, they must be thrown away. I can't explain why, but I think I'm close on that. I'll know why soon enough.
There is less and less around to show that I even exist. In a way that bothers me, seeing that my imprint here is disappearing. For as apathetic as I've become in one sense, I can't even bother to care. In another sense, I'm on the border of panic and seeing the things most important to me in the trash really doesn't help. It's like I'm punishing myself for not being able to be the person I was given the tools to be.
Is this about failure or beginning anew? How different are they, really? Is there some sort of hint at mutual exclusivity there?
Do other people do this shit?
12 comments:
Are we the memories or the one who does the remembering? In my life I have thrown away many memories some of which have remained discarded and others whose persistence can at times be a real pain in my existence, if you know what I mean.
peace
I wish I had the answers you seek. Perhaps in letting go of things and letting go of memories you are trying to break free into light and comfort and new life?
To start again? To erase a mistake or two and make things new and better?
Or perhaps I don't know at all.
But I care.
Things get so personal that we can't merely re-distribute them when we need to get rid of them, we have to destroy them because they become to painful to touch, to hold.
Have a bonfire. Blaze it all up into some dark night and let it go. What drags you on can drive you mad.
And you have this metaphysical record of your very existence. Of course, this is in your hands too, you can record or delete. I find that when I morph personality every so often I then morph blog. (at the moment I'm split between two...hmmmm!).
Be a phoenix. You can burn it all away but it doesn't necessarily leave you empty. On the contrary, you can begin again with new plummage. Maybe catharsis is exactly what you need, so don't be so hard on yourself...
GD x
It is about cleansing so you can move on.
Just think how cool it is once it's all gone, then you can start filling all those spaces with things you really want, new things with no history, so you can make new history, the history of your choosing.
Until you decide you're tired of that history and then you can toss it all out and start again.
That's the beauty of it.
Nothing is permanent, and you can always change your mind again.
(Just think very carefully before tossing things like letters and photographs. I tore up a letter 20 years ago and to this day I regret it..!)
EEK - CAPS LOCK! JUST A NOTE TO SAY THAT I APOLOGIZE FOR THE DELAY. I'VE RUN INTO ANOTHER HEALTH ISSUE (WHICH SHOULD TURN OUT JUST FINE, NO WORRIES) THAT HAD TO BE TENDED TO AND MADE THINGS A BIT DIFFICULT. I WAS NOT IGNORING YOU OR THE THOUGHTS YOU SO WILLINGLY SHARE. ~
Anonant - That is, of course, a huge question. The answer is a little of both, I suppose. And you're right, there are some things you just can't run from because they always find you. Good think I have a curvy 'existence'! =)
Jarvenpa - If you did have the answers, that would be incredibly convenient! ;) I think every time I get angry it sets my mind into 'clean slate' mode. Anger has always been my motivator - or at least for 25 years or so. It helps me clear things out. Thank you for caring. xo
Ginger Doll - You are very right. These things must simply GO: in some ways it is like they are tainted beyond repair. The difficult part is knowing that it's a part of you (well, 'me') and seeing what represented you (again, 'me') for so long being thrown in the trash. As with this and your blog switcheroos, there is a sadness that comes along with it and a vulnerability. And yet, you have to do it. Funny you mention a phoenix - for years I've wanted to get a phoenix tattoo to represent the many trials I've faced and to show that I'm one stubborn bitch to get through it all!
Terri - I really have thought about it and I agree, it's about cleansing. I've let myself become complacent in some ways and when I get angrym I tend to focus on it. Or rather, it focuses on me - complacency is in my face. I see the reminders and they must go. At one point I wanted these things but over time, I've changed. I'm not that person. In some ways, I'm embarrased by the person I was and I think that's why I'm so certain I must get rid of it. It cannot exist anymore. No more than the person I once was can exist. But I totally see your point on letter and photos. I've got some that are 'pending' so to speak. Good for me I have a bad memory in some aspects and forget about them. When I find them, I repeat the process. Yours is a hard lesson to learn, though. Some things you cannot replace.
Treat yourself to that tattoo for Christmas ;}
I agree.
Whoa... hey there... sorry i've not been around much. Thanks for dropping by my blog, lovely lady!
*hugs you lots for xmas*
I just left a new post on my blog, with all you lovely lovely American people in mind, too... *evil grin*
(Well all the Republican ones... i'd feel so proud if one of them found it and read it with believing horror...)
S.x
I feel that sometimes, that there is less Realness in what I think is me or my life. As if I think back to another time and it all seems so much more vibrant. Then I wonder will things fade more and more into the future? Huh. Maybe that is just the way of things. Almost makes sense. Fading to nothing even before ones own end. Makes that ending far less tragic.
Yeah. Or, maybe, I should just turn off this computer for a change and Go Outside...
Rock on!
I feel like every time I come on here after being away, i've missed huge chunks of happenings. It's like reading every 3rd chapter of a book lol. Well I can't really help regarding the throwing away of things as I am so ridiculously materialistic, clinging desperately onto 'things' to make myself feel whole. I can kind of understand how you could get to the point of needing to do that, but as to wether that in the long term is a help, or wether you will come full circle and feel the need for that validation manifested a what is essentially useless shit, same as 99% of what we all own...well who knows. But if thats what it takes to get you where you need to be...then sometimes sacrifices must be made, and I can understand the throwing rather than giving away, it's yours, if you don't have it, no-one should. Things that are personal could seem very strange in the hands of another, just the idea of it. I think i'm gonna have to read the 'back issues' to understand what i'm discussing, but i'll leap in anyway, my ramblings will no-doubt be amusingly long winded and random if nothing else. :)
Anyhoo, hope you are well as any of us can be expected to be, and my apologies for my absence.
Dan
xxxx
Pssssst..... Merry Christmas!
xxx
U ok chick?
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