Kitty is suspicious. She thinks I may be dead or something. To be honest, I feel not too far off.
There was a time not so long ago that I would get on this box here and and just vent like hell. But every time I try to say something, I can't. I have failed drafts. They failed not because they weren't grammatically correct or brimming with pleasing prose - please. When did I ever worry about that? They failed because I'd end up hanging my head and quietly shut down the program.
I'm worn out. Physically, mentally, emotionally. I don't want to be me anymore and I'm struggling to maintain and not get lost in the possibilities. My health is kinda screwed but it typically is. Just facing some new stuff, that's all. My opportunity for an 'out' of my current position into a new one in my department has been slashed and is still lying at my feet taking its last breaths. I didn't do anything wrong - they chose me. Another pharmacist quit and this is just part of the trickle down effect. I used to be Eleventh Hour Girl. Lately I feel like Circumstantial Girl. Not a fan.
Seems the sobbing fits that take me down very dark roads in my mind are easier to find than this pc. I figure nobody wants to hear some other case of drama when everyone has their own these days. And I've lost the humor, so that really would make it a downer. I'm just pulling away into my own little world. Too much in my head.
Don't get me wrong, I miss your collective little worlds. I'll work on putting up a post. It may be brief but if I want to keep negativity out of it, that's my only option for the moment. I'm working on changing it but there is much I have no control over. Nonetheless, I'll work on a post.
Until then - the Pittsburgh Penguins won the Stanley Cup tonight. Yay.
My typing has never been stellar, but I'm pretty sure dead people's is even worse. More proof.
6 comments:
I don't just visit here because of your pretty prose and subversive humour, although I love it. I stop by here because over the years I've kinda developed an affinity to you, despite the miles, despite this not being 'the real world' (whatever that is). And that affinity means that if you're blue and sad and lost, then I want you to know that you still matter to me.
And if the blueness washes over your posts like a mist of sadness, then don't censor yourself. You may not want to post it publically and that's fine. But if writing gives you an 'out' then don't worry about what the blogsphere thinks. Use it to find you again.
Some of the most honest writing I have ever done was when I looked into the abyss and saw infinity stretching underneath. I read it occasionally now and it still burns me, but I'm glad it's there because it reminds me how far I've come.
I'm not a therapist: gods know I make a big enough screw up of my own matters to be giving advice to anyone. But just remember that there's a small core of people who think a lot of you and would help in any way they can, even if they can't be there physically.
Metaphysical hugs of the tallest order, GD xx
Ginger Doll is wise. While I've treasured your wit, I care for your wellbeing, and you know, you can write anything. Or not write, but come dart in and put a word of the month out there, chosen at random from a helpful nearby book, cereal box, or sign.
Or yes, just write it out for yourself, in private.
I am always sending you the most loving energy possible. I am not the only one.
you really shouldn't avoid expressing your true feelings here because you think nobody wants to hear it!!
strangely enough we DO... not that we want to read about your misery but we actually do CARE - so if it can in any way make you feel better to let it out on your blog, you totally should!!
besides ya never know when one of us might have something helpful to say, ya know?
and if ya ever wanna vent to someone in private you know where to find me =)
HUGS
p.s. I'm VERY glad you're alive!! :)
I a glad to hear you are not dead, I never believed you were. Kitty echos my feelings as well, you should allow your heart to bleed and allow our sharing to be a bandage.
peace
Everyone - You are all so kind and supportive and I truly appreciate that. I though I'd be back a little sooner but things simply didn't work out that way: I was ready and willing to speak but time was certainly not on my side recently. It is a very kind and comforting feeling to come here, after this amount of time, and see that you've all come. Thank you. Of course I'd know if the site would forward comments to my email but, NOOOOO. ;)
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