Circuitry

Some things come hardwired because that is simply the way they are. Some things become hardwired because that's how we form them over time.

I want changes in my life but I'm scared. Rarely will I admit to being scared (except for maybe spiders, clowns, ventriloquist dummies and things of that nature). The changes I want scare me because if they are good, and I like them, I fear they will be taken away. Perhaps I rationalize that it is better not to even attempt it than to fail and be crushed. That is how I've hardwired myself. If I close myself off I won't be hurt. Granted, it is a flawed plan but I don't think too clearly when I'm terrified, ya know?

Funny thing happened today. Three generations in one car, all three suffering from one form of mental disorder or another. All three have made comments in the recent past about not wanting to live. The two passengers are pissing off the driver, who is the only one who would actually act on those thoughts and comments. Perhaps not the best person to be pissing off. It actually made me laugh when I realized that. My family isn't really different from anyone else's, yet there are differences that would surprise some. This isn't one, I just thought there was a dark humor there.

Ye olde brayne is a tad edgy and I'm thinking a mile a minute. Hoping it is short-lived because I don't have the energy for this now. Work and family have worn me down so I don't have time to deal with a phase. It may work out in a few days - that happens often.

Still, I need to say this and I'm avoiding it. You won't know what I mean but I will and right now I just need to say it, even if in cryptic fashion. The time with Jack was weird today. Either I was way off base before or I am now. Probably now; I'm pretty good with this stuff. But if I'm wrong about that, my brain has taken a jump to a very uncomfortable level. Even worse, I've been planning a way to test it. And it could go horribly wrong. Something wasn't right about it and I feel a need to know what. It could either turn out to be something I can rationalize and set off to the side or... it could go horribly wrong. Did I mention that? Because the family has enough going on. But that was alot after so little. Gah!

Off to hunt down some sedatives, I need rest.